|“||There is no such thing as aliens! Your grandmother is dying. And so are you. You have this in common. Celebrate it!'||”|
A Vague, Yet Menacing, Government Agency has interests in Night Vale, and their agents can sometimes be seen watching the populace. No one knows who they are, or what they want. Night Vale Community Radio host Cecil Palmer describes their work as "vague, but important".
The agents of a vague, yet menacing, government agency are specially trained to disguise themselves as trees, doors, birds, feral cats, wind gusts, or even items of furniture, and they typically communicate with the public through an indecipherable maze of representatives and heavily drugged proxies. They've been known to cooperate with a variety of other government organizations in Night Vale, such as the City Council and the Sheriff's Secret Police.
Interests and Actions[edit | edit source]
No one knows what the agents from a vague, yet menacing, government agency are truly after, but they have shown interest in a variety of people and phenomenon around Night Vale.
- When Carlos the scientist first arrived in Night Vale and held a town meeting, agents from a vague, yet menacing, government agency were seen standing in the back of the crowd, watching him intently.
- Shortly after Cactus Jane was impregnated by a time traveler, several agents from a vague, yet menacing, government agency attended the birth of her son, Champ, who, like his father, had a foreign face and a handsome, but terrible, beard.
- Possibly upset that the Faceless Old Woman had been alerting You to her secret presence in your home, on July 1, 2013, secret agents of a vague, yet menacing, government agency surrounded and infiltrated your home, appearing as an item of furniture that you were probably looking directly at without even realizing that it was actually a secret agent in disguise. The agents eventually retreated after the Faceless Old Woman announced her candidacy for mayor of Night Vale, although not before releasing thousands of highly trained spiders into your home. You cannot see them unless you look closely, and they always move just outside of your periphery, but they are always watching you, and you will sometimes feel them brushing against your soft cheeks and lips as you sleep. Do not think about this.
- A vague, yet menacing, government agency is involved with Night Vale's upcoming mayoral election in some manner. When reporters asked when and where the election would be held, masked representatives of a vague, yet menacing, government agency purred loudly and began rubbing their sides against the journalists' legs, causing some reporters to begin sneezing.
- A vague, yet menacing, government agency is not interested in UFOs, because UFOs are totally not a thing. UFOs are merely weather balloons, and weather balloons are merely misplaced clouds, and clouds are merely dreams that have escaped our sleep, and sleep is merely practice for death, and death is merely another facet of our world, and our world is merely the last thought of a dying man, laughing and shaking his head weakly at the improbability of it all.
- Similarly, a vague, yet menacing, government agency is not interested in the lights and sounds seen in the Scrublands just off Route 800 on January 14, 2014. Although you may have seen a great spacecraft land and disgorge spindly creatures of enormous size, what you mistook for the Scrublands was actually your grandmother's house, the spacecraft was actually your grandmother, and the spindly creatures were the words you and your grandmother exchanged.
Annual recruitment drives[edit | edit source]
A vague, yet menacing, government agency performs annual recruitment drives from Night Vale's Abandoned Missile Silo. Applicants are asked to first drop their resumes and head shots into one of several secret drop spots around town. At the recruitment drive itself, the applicants are ruthlessly interrogated to determine how they found out where the secret drop spots were, what exactly they know about the agency, and who told them. The applicants are subjected to hypnotic light pulses, disruptive sound patterns, and a potluck lunch, although candidates are warned that the events are typically overstocked on desserts and do not have enough main courses. Finally, those lucky applicants who are selected by a vague, yet menacing, government agency will disappear forever, "presumably to join a vague, yet menacing, government agency in some capacity". Those who are not selected will also disappear forever.
Cooperation with other organizations[edit | edit source]
A vague, yet menacing, government agency frequently collaborates with other organizations around Night Vale. Usually, these collaborations take the form of public announcements about things that the citizens of Night Vale should or should not do.
Night Vale's City Council[edit | edit source]
The City Council, in cooperation with agents from a vague, yet menacing, government agency, publicly urged the citizens of Night Vale to attend a questionnaire at 7:00pm on July 1, 2012, to discuss "mysterious sights that definitely no one saw, and strange thoughts that never occurred to anyone. Because all of us are normal, and to be otherwise would make us outcasts from our own community".
Sheriff's Secret Police[edit | edit source]
On July 15, 2013, the Sheriff's Secret Police, in association with a vague, yet menacing, government agency, announced that those trucks full of crates far out in the desert are nothing, and that the citizens of Night Vale shouldn't worry about them. The press release continued, "Don't even worry a little about them. Forget we said anything. No, really, remembering we said anything is now against the law." This probably refers to the same crates You had to load in your job.
On August 15, 2013, the Sheriff's Secret Police made an announcement with a vague, yet menacing, government agency again, this time to remind the citizens of Night Vale that no one in Night Vale is eating each other. Absolutely no one in Night Vale is attending grill parties where consensual cannibalism is practiced. After the heavily cloaked spokesperson, possibly a representative of a vague, yet menacing, government agency, finished delivering his or her announcement, an app on his or her iPhone 4S summoned a horse from out of thin air, and they flew away into the sky.
Night Vale Psychological Association[edit | edit source]
On May 1, 2013, the Night Vale Psychological Association, in conjunction with a vague, yet menacing, government agency, asked that Night Vale's citizens start keeping dream journals, so that the Sheriff's Secret Police could finally track down and arrest the miscreants who kept dreaming about horses. The NVPA also released a helpful how-to guide:
1. Find a foreign dictionary or hymnal, preferably in Russian or Ukrainian (although German will do in a pinch).
2. Carve out several pages, creating a secret compartment in the book.
3. Write down your dream in great detail the moment you wake up.
4. Eat the paper you wrote the dream on, then place a bird skeleton in the book.
5. Bury the book near a magnolia or willow tree. Repeat daily.