Flying is actually the safest mode of transportation. The second-safest is dreaming. The third-safest is decomposing into rich earth and drifting away with the wind and rain. Welcome to Night Vale.
Hello, listeners. Welcome to this, another day. Or, you were already in this day, and my voice is now joining you. Perhaps you should be welcoming me.
I’d like to take this moment to update you about the misbehaving child, Tamika Flynn.
She has been witnessed with her army of missing children, sabotaging any business owned by StrexCorp – which is getting to be most of them at this point.
The White Sand Ice Cream Shoppe isn’t…there are probably others. They should not be proud of this.
Tamika was last seen leading her army through the Ralphs, shouting to all witnesses that “We are here! We are the beating heart! We are the breathing lungs! We are the lips that chant!” before erecting a blood stone circle in the produce section, in direct defiance of StrexCorp’s recent ban on bloodstone manufacture and use.
This was wrong of her, and it is my duty to condemn her act of extreme civic pride and heroism. Which is also wrong. Everything was incorrect, and not allowed, and should not be celebrated or reported on.
Listen. Listening is dangerous. Talking? More so. Things aren’t looking so good for quiet existence, either.
In an unrelated report, yellow helicopters have continued to disappear from their place in the sky, along with the pilots who were presumably inside. The helicopters are disappearing almost as fast as our beneficent sponsors, StrexCorp, can supply them.
StrexCorp management released a series of flares from the darkened horizon which spelled, in Morse code, “We love your enthusiasm for our products, but those helicopters are for your own good and productivity. Please, stop taking them. Don’t make us ask again, or we will have to do a number of unproductive things with your human form.”
Also, and I don’t even know why I’m bringing this up, there was a new woman drinking coffee at the Moonlite All-Nite Diner this morning. She smiled twice, and frowned once. And her fingers tapped out a rhythm. There was nothing unusual about the rhythm. She ordered a second coffee, she–
THE WOMAN FROM ITALY
IS ARRIVING TODAY
NOTHING CAN STOP HER
FROM COMING THIS WAY
SHE WILL NOT HEAR PLEADING,
SHE CARES NOT FOR SUCCOR
SHE IS THE WOMAN FROM ITALY,
BOW LOW BEFORE HER
ALL THE CHILDREN IN TOWN
KNOW TO HIDE IN THEIR ROOMS
THE ADULTS HAVE FORGOTTEN –
THEY’LL RECALL ALL TOO SOON
HER HANDS ARE LIKE STORM CLOUDS,
WITH LIGHTNING-QUICK TALONS
ALL BEFORE IS A MURMUR,
ALL AFTER IS SILENCE
…and ate the last of her eggs. Nothing more to report on the woman at this time. I don’t even know why I reported what I just did.
The Vague, Yet Menacing, Government Agency would like to address the lights and sounds seen in the Scrublands just off Route 800 yesterday.
Many townspeople reported seeing a great craft alight on the ground, and disgorge spindly creatures of enormous size, wavering up into the darkness with limbs that’s angle and attachment met none of the criteria of human biologic knowledge.
The Agency would like to inform you that what you mistook for the Scrublands was actually your grandmother’s house, that what you mistook for a great craft was your grandmother – with whom you have a tense, but ultimately loving, relationship. And what you mistook as enormous spindly creatures were the words you and your grandmother exchanged – pleasantries and reminiscence to avoid discussing all the hurt that lies behind you, and the ultimate ending to your shared past that is foreshadowed by her every forgetful moment. Every tremble in her hand.
“There is no such thing as aliens!” says the Vague, Yet Menacing, Government Agency. “Your grandmother is dying. And so are you. You have this in common, celebrate it!”
A memo from the owner of the Ace Hardware on Fifth and Shay Street:
They will no longer tolerate baristas lining up for day jobs in their parking lot. Every morning at dawn, dozens of baristas with newsboy caps, waxed mustaches, and knit ties tucked into buttoned sweater-vests continue to crowd the parking lot, foreheads beaded with desperation, and hoping to be picked up to operate unlicensed espresso machines. This is scaring away the legitimate Ace hardware customers, and the baristas will be required to return to their caves just on the outskirts of town, near the Sand Wastes, in the Barista District.
Oh! Some great news to all of you out there who adopted kittens from Khoshekh, the cat floating in our station bathroom. Well, it’s been several months, and the kittens have just been growing like you wouldn’t believe! They’ve molted twice, and some of them are already getting their grownup kitty spine ridges!
Which brings me to my grave warning:
As we all know, the spine ridges of adult cats are highly poisonous. If you are coming to see a kitten that you have adopted, it is important that you check for the location and severity of the spine ridge before attempting any petting.
Also, keep your hands away from their mouths. A few of them have developed their venom sacs. We lost two cat adopters already this months, so…let’s just be careful, people.
And, let’s take care of these cute little kitties! Who’s my adorable little kitten with your adorable tendril hub? It’s you! It’s you!
I’m not even sure why I bring this up, but the new woman is wandering down Main Street, checking out the various knick-knack stores and antique shops and chanting dens and food wallows that have been springing up with all this new money flooded into Night Vale from one single, uncomfortably efficient source.
She is window shopping, but hasn’t found one she likes yet. Bay windows, stained glass, a car window taken from a 1983 Honda Odyssey, she bought none of them! She gnaws softly on the side of her thumb, she–
THE WOMAN FROM ITALY
IS WITH US THIS EVENING
WE HIDE AND WE SHUDDER
BUT THERE IS NO DECEIVING
SHE EXHALES MUST AND STEAM,
SHE POISONS THE AIR
SAY YOU HAVE A FAMILY, SAY IT!
SHE DOESN’T CARE
THE WOMAN FROM ITALY
DELIGHTS IN YOUR PAIN
SHE ASKS JUST ONE FAVOR,
BUT ASKS AGAIN AND AGAIN
“DO YOU THINK YOU COULD,
NO RUSH, JUST A MOMENT,
GIVE IN SCREAMING TO
ETERNALLY BURNING TORMENT?”
…sang an impromptu song to the delight of everyone who heard her.
No one heard her.
And now, traffic.
Think of a number. Any number. That number is how many thousands of years old a certain rock is.
That number is how many times someone has cried in their life.
That number is the lucky number of an unlucky man who is yet to realize he is unlucky.
Think of a number. No, think of…numbers.
Picture all of these abstract representations of human thought, all of them forming an imagined pattern, as all patterns are imagined, and picture how those abstractions describe, in specific ways, real moments that exist.
Picture numbers.
There is a woman who lives at 531 Beachwood Street. Her phone number starts with a 3 and ends with a 5. She smiled 18 times yesterday. She is currently thinking of 3 things she needs to do. There are actually 4 things she needs to do. She has forgotten 1 of them.
She touches the doorknob 2 times before committing to its turn. She has 2 eyes. She has 2 hands. She has 2 more chances to make her life what she thinks it should be.
But she doesn’t know it yet.
Think of a number.
Yes! That’s the one! That’s the one that describes an infinity of disparate truths about our disparate universe.
Also, the roads are looking clear.
This has been traffic.
And now, a word from our sponsors.
Filler text to be replaced with actual material. Replace with copy before sending to radio station.
Talking points go here.
- Something about coffee
- Something about the bright start of a hypothetical day
- Something about secret boxes locked in secret soundproof rooms
Maybe make it a song. Look into that.
Then, slogan goes here.
Starbucks.
Copy and paste slogan again here.
Also, just reminding the future me that comes back to rewrite this that I need to grab some milk. I think the one in the office fridge is starting to turn.
As long as I’m reminding myself things, I’m a good person, worthy of love – both from myself and others. And writing press releases and ads like this is just the start of a great writing career.
You have a novel in you, kid! You have a novel in you!
This has been a word from our sponsors.
In economic news, the White Sand Ice Cream Shoppe has gone out of business, and will never open again.
The owners, Lucy and Hannah Gutierrez, have gone bankrupt and, as is usual for bankruptcy cases, have had their lives confiscated by the nearest friendly large business – which, in this case, was StrexCorp.
“We were only too happy to help,” StrexCorp carved into a large slab, uncovered this morning out in the Sand Wastes, and dated to several thousand years ago by reputable scientists and experts.
The carving continued, “Lucy and Hannah are valuable members of this community, and now their value has been added to our value. We are even more valuable now. Everyone wins! Even if it seems like some of the everyones are gone, or absorbed, or dead. This is just part of the natural process of winning.”
Archaeologists were baffled when presented with the content of the carving and evidence of its age, saying that just moments ago they were working in a museum in Los Angeles, and they have no idea where they are or how they were so suddenly brought here.
“Let us go home,” they said to the person presenting the carving. “Please! Let us go home!”
In a story that will interest no one, the new woman is sitting on a bench in Mission Grove Park, reading an old paperback copy of a book apparently called Bridge of Birds. Her hair flutters a bit in the breeze. She turns a page in the book, she crosses her legs as she leans back and relaxes into the story she is reading. She–
THE WOMAN FROM ITALY,
OH END OF ALL THINGS
SHE HAS SEEN THE FALL OF BABYLON,
SHE HAS DRUNK THE BLOOD OF KINGS
HER ROBES ARE SHADOW,
HER EYES ARE DUSK
HER VOICE IS AMBER,
AND CHALK DUST AND RUST
THE WOMAN FROM ITALY
HAS HONED IN ON YOUR SCENT
SHE SEEKS OUT YOUR REFUGE.
OH YES! SHE KNOWS WHERE YOU WENT!
IT’S YOUR SKIN THAT SHE WANTS,
BOUND AND BROWNED INTO LEATHER
BUT FIRST, PREDECEASE,
I GIVE YOU THE WEATHER
[“Penn Station” by The Felice Brothers]
Welcome back, listeners!
Usually, after the weather, I am here to tell you about how we have been saved from some world-ending danger – that, for whatever reason, has failed again to end our world.
But today, I have no such report, because there is no such danger. Or, there is an infinitude of such dangers. Rocks hurdling unseen from space, gamma ray bursts created by chance and utterly destroying by chance, disease, war, hunger, or the slow dissipation of it all – not by the sudden, but by the gradual always.
But now is not the time for such light-hearted childish thoughts. Now is the time for me to talk.
Umm, let’s see. What can I talk about?
Ah! Well, that new woman! The one I have been, for some reason, reporting on, she is leaving town. She has bought a Razor Scooter from the pawn shop, and is using it to skim her way down the shoulder of Route 800. Destination – and origin – both unknown. But we know where she is now.
Good for us!
Any information is impressive in such an opaque world.
Cars honk and swerve, there are a few accidents, a man gets out of his car and looks at his bumper, fists on his hips, his mouth half opened, saying, “Well what is this now? Well what is this now?”
The woman does not seem to hear him – or anything else.
She is skimming slowly out of town, her hand raises, it waves goodbye, her shoulders bounce slightly with the imperfections of the road. She turns to look back, and we all see her face and we..
We…
WE…
THE WOMAN FROM ITALY,
OH MERCIFUL GODDESS!
HER VICTIMS ARE LEGION
BUT THIS EVENING THEY’RE NOT US
WE GRAB GRATEFUL BREATHS
FROM THE NIGHT-SHADED AIR
BATED BREATHS, FEARFUL BREATHS,
BUT BREATHE DEEP – NOTHING THERE
THE WOMAN FROM ITALY IS GONE
BUT THEN, NOT FOR ALWAYS
SHE WAITS BEHIND DOORS
AND AT THE END OF DARK HALLWAYS
SHE FOLLOWS NO LOGIC,
EXISTS SOLELY FOR SPITE
BUT YOU ARE SAFE FOR NOW, DEAR LISTENER,
SO GOOD NIGHT, NIGHT VALE.
GOOD NIGHT.
Today’s proverb: Your Bitcoin address is your middle name, followed by the name of your first pet, and the first street you lived on.
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