No man is an island. Some men are fjords. Most men are oxbows. All men are ravines. Welcome to Night Vale.
The news coming up, but first, let's go to the weather. There's a cold front moving through Night Vale. Temperature at City Hall is currently 63 degrees and sunny, with wind gusts later this afternoon of up to 40 miles per hour. These winds are expected to bring cold air as low as 20 degrees this evening, and possibly dropping to below zero overnight.
"It's unknown what's causing this weather," is a statement I make every day, looking into the sky. Is it God? Perhaps it is the government. Perhaps Earth itself. Is it out of boredom, that the weather exists?
Maybe it is out of care. That would suggest the existence of a god who wishes us well. But it does not explain the fierce destructiveness of a blizzard, or a heat wave, or a tornado. Or a tsunami.
Is a tsunami weather? That is a question best left to oceanographers, or meteorologists, or a Tarot deck.
But why would a god make a thing, then mar it? What mood change is this? What care can this God have for humanity?
Ah, and maybe that's the point. That makes me feel better, to think that it doesn't matter. It really takes a lot of pressure off doesn't it?
Anyway, it's getting cold tonight. Bundle up, Night Vale.
Let's have a look now at Agriculture.
John Peters - you know? the farmer? - says his orange crop this year is massive. He says the quantity of product has not deviated, only the quality.
"Them oranges are huge," John said, holding an orange the size of a 2002 iMac computer. "I can't fit this thing into one of them orange crushers what that I make the juice with," he said, struggling to keep his back straight under the weight of the abnormally-sized citrus fruit.
John said he's excited for his orange grove, which has been doing great ever since he genetically modified his crop to no longer cause teleportation across existential dimensions when consumed.
Despite his excitement for orange sales, John says he's worried about next years crop of invisible corn. He said he looked up Summer 2020 in his Farmer's Almanac, and all it said was "Well, crap. Good luck."
John plans to diversify his farm investment by raising cattle for slaughter. He's a vegan these days, so he does not want to sell the cattle for meat or dairy. He'll just raise the cattle until they're old enough to kill.
Best of luck in all your endeavors, John. Hope you finally win that coveted Best Orange at the Citrus Festival this year.
Many of our listeners have written concerned emails about the temperature possibly falling below zero. Bob Sturm of Old Town said "Zero is the lowest number, Cecil. I'm a big stats guy, and I can tell you that you cannot have less than nothing. That's impossible."
Well, listen Bob, I'm a journalist, not a numerologist, so I don't know what to tell you. Apparently there are many unknown numbers below zero, and as they are discovered, rest assured I will be here to report on them.
Reyna Guerrero from the Westside asks if there's anything we can do to better prepare ourselves for this weather.
Well Reyna, here are some tips I just looked up online:
One: Bundle up. Your heater can only do so much.
Two: Bring your pets indoors. And if you have an agent from a vague yet menacing government agency outside your home assigned to record your every movement, invite them in as well. You don't want them freezing alone out in their black sedan.
Three: Light a fire, if you have a fireplace. If you do not have a fireplace or pellet stove, try using your refrigerator or sink.
Four: If you should lose power at any time, do not panic. Just curl into a ball, breathing heavily, and repeating "oh god no oh god no oh god no" through loudly chattering teeth.
We're not expecting precipitation tonight, but should it snow, I recommend making a snow angel. That's always fun. All you have to do is lie flat on your back, arms and legs outstretched, until you are called into celestial service to whatever greater authority rules these beautiful creatures.
Thank you for your questions and comments. I'll do my best to keep our town up to date on the latest weather.
But first, this Saturday is Night Vale's annual Holiday Fireworks Extravaganza at the Night Vale Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area. There will be live music by local bands, including a new band by Dark Owl Records owner Michelle Nguyen and her girlfriend Maureen (oh! my old intern!) Their band is called The Fun-tastics, and it's a folk country-slash-trance tribute band, performing a cappella covers of Philip Glass scores.
According to Michelle's press release: "Please do not watch our show. I'm angry you even know about it. I hate that our secret concert at the annual Holiday Fireworks Extravaganza, Night Vale's most anticipated and attended annual event, was leaked to the press."
Following the concert, there will be a collective prayer to the [heavily digitally distorted] GREAT GOLDEN HAND, and then the fireworks will begin.
Event organizers say they have a special fireworks display in store for attendees this year. Traditionally, the biggest explosions are reserved for the end of a half-hour long build-up of lesser explosions. But focus groups have indicated that people are tired of having to wait for the best part.
So, instead of normal, boring fireworks, they will be blowing up old cars using the 18,000 tons of solid fuel they found at an abandoned missile silo on the edge of the Sand Wastes. The Holiday Fireworks Extravaganza would like to thank the Sheriff's Secret Police for the vehicle donations, which are mostly cars impounded this past week for overdue state inspection stickers.
Can't wait to see everybody this Saturday at the Fireworks Extravaganza.
It's getting pretty bad out there, Night Vale. The temperature has fallen dramatically to 20 degrees outside the radio station. I can hear the creak and groan of our antenna, straining under the 40 mile per hour winds. I've seen 3 different minor accidents outside my window as drivers lost control of their vehicles.
I've got my little space heater under my desk. [sucks in air; chatters teeth a bit; he's cold] But I can still barely feel my feet. I regret choosing today of all days to bike to work.
I'm getting word that power is out in the Barista District, and dozens of leather-apron-wearing people have been forced to make torches out of Irish Cream-soaked biscotti stuffed into Chemex pitchers. And the only thing available coffee-wise right now is cold brew. (gross.)
Employees at the Night Vale Power Plant are working to restore power to that area of town, but they have run into some difficulties. The blustery winds and extreme cold have kept some of the workers from being able to drive to the Plant. And the ones already on site are perplexed by how any of this works.
"We're not sure if this is a nuclear plant, or electric, or coal, or what," said Mike Rhyner, Director of Operations for the Power Plant. "We tried turning the whole thing off and back on, like a computer, but the switch didn't really do anything. Nobody labels anything around here, for crying out loud."
Rhyner then began to cry out loud, as dozens of workers rushed to put their arms around the sobbing man. "We're sorry boss," the frantic workers all repeated. In the chaos of the consoling, a single worker was heard whimpering: "Oh god, someone do something before he changes back into..." But that voice was quickly and fearfully shushed by the others.
More on the power outage and weather conditions soon.
But let's get to some good news. Our population is booming, Night Vale. We have more people than houses, but thankfully the good folks of the Private Land Development Industry are helping out. Ah, the altruistic hand of capitalism.
A new housing development, named The Final Destination, is going up in Radon Canyon. New homes start in the 130s for 2 bedroom, semi-detached townhouses, all the way up to expansive 10-bedroom estates with beautiful views of the blue-ish mist that settles every morning along the canyon bottom.
Representatives from the EPA have warned against building residences in an area known for producing toxic gases, but the developers said they will equip each home with large exhaust fans and provide a lifetime supply of rebreathers for the first 15 homebuyers.
The EPA has tried repeatedly to stop this development, stating that excavation of the canyon floor could lead to the release of more gases which could catastrophically imperil not only the lives of those in the canyon, but the earth's atmosphere for hundreds, if not thousands, of miles in all directions.
"Who knows what's beneath the shale in that canyon," one EPA representative said. The representative was wearing a sports coat too large for his frame and comically out-of-date glasses. He continued: "We have been trying to declare Radon Canyon a Superfund site for years, but Night Vale doesn't show up in any government database, so it cannot receive this protection. Didn't you ever see the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, how everyone's faces melted off? It could be just like that."
When it was pointed out that the end of that movie was good because it was Nazi faces melting, the EPA representative, said, "You're right. That was pretty cool. But still. You get what I'm trying to say, right?"
Nobody did, because it was a weird thing to bring up a 40-year-old movie about Nazis and museum artifacts. So now we will have new housing in the heart of Night Vale's most beautiful scenic attraction, beginning in Spring of next year.
I'm getting word that the power is out now in Old Town Night Vale and at the Library and on the South End. The temperature has dropped to 5 degrees, and I think it will continue to plummet throughout the night.
People are doing everything they can to prepare. Before the stores close, I recommend driving out and picking up some water, as well as canned goods. Even some fresh produce and raw meat while it's still there. I mean, people worked hard to grow that food 10 states away and then drive it across country right here to you, and you haven't bought it yet?
Even if your refrigerator's not working because of the power outages, it'll be cold enough in your house to keep it all fresh. So get out there and spend your money on food. We have so much of it. Let's use it, Night Vale.
But above all stay warm. If you're alone, visit a neighbor. Body heat and company can help a lot in weather like this. And if you have room in your home, welcome your neighbors in. There's no reason to be alone at a time like this. Plus it's the holiday season. Why not keep each other warm with stories, with camaraderie, with good fellowship.
[chattering teeth again & sucking in air; maybe rubbing hands together; more intense that previous]
If you can't be with others tonight, then I will do my best to keep you company through this brutal cold. I'd like to tell you a story of my childhood. It's a very personal story. One I've never shared on the air before. I'm a bit nervous to tell it to you all, but if there ever was a time for a story to bring us closer together, now is that time.
I will tell you that story in a moment. But first, let's have a look at sports.
["Suspension of Disbelief" Victory Soul Orchestra]
[alert sounder; followed by computerized voice]
NWS: The National Weather Service has issued a severe weather warning for the Greater Night Vale area. Temperatures as low as negative 10 degrees are predicted with high winds gusting up to 60 miles per hour. Wind chills overnight may reach negative 30 degrees.
Residents of Night Vale and the surrounding towns of Pine Cliff, Red Mesa, and Desert Bluffs Too should seek shelter. They should band together around fireplaces with heaters at their highest settings. In cases where heat sources are not accessible or operating, residents should huddle in the vacant lot out back of the Ralphs. Come huddle with us.
Come huddle with us. There is a barrel here. It is filled with trash, and we have lit it on fire. It is so warm. The trash.
The trash is mostly paper and cardboard, but it is also something greater than that. It is a symbol of progress, of the great tower of industry and need, a ruined tower like Babel which has toppled under the weight of its hubris. And in the language of flame, it tells us things. It tells us so much. Not through words but through visions.
Here is a list of visions the fire has revealed to us:
- Two spools of coaxial cable.
- A single light bulb atop an ant hill.
- An empty cake. A round, squat cylinder of frosting, beneath which lies nothing, not even air. A void cake. Happy birthday, echoes a choir from a good distance away.
- A great black bird whose wide wings brush along the castle turret.
- A snake spiraled and asleep inside a leather boot.
- A wheelless tractor in a vast wasteland of cracked earth.
- Your brother. Not a brother you know, but a brother you once had. He looks like you, and he repeats your name, but backwards.
- Smoke clouds shaped like vice grips.
These are the visions of the flames, in the barrel, in the vacant lot, out back of the Ralphs, beneath our gaze, and across our minds, beyond our consciousness. These are the remains of the great tower of humanity.
Come huddle with us. You, without heat. You, without home. You, without hope. Come huddle with us.
This severe weather warning is in effect through 8 a.m. tomorrow, when a warm front is expected to move through the region, bringing sunny skies and high temperatures in the mid-80s. And everyone will return to their normal lives, satisfied that they have out-dueled death once again, confusing accidental survival with competence and immortality. What doesn't kill you, only makes you more complacent.
The National Weather Service knows this is but a night together with you, not a whole life. For what we have in this moment is truer than rain, but briefer than thunder. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Blah blah blah. I'm not saying the morning will not hurt. I'm only saying the joy of memory is stronger than the prick of any blade upon mine heart.
This has been a severe weather warning from the National Weather Service. Stay tuned to this station for further updates. I love you. I have always loved you.
And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
CECIL: ... [somber] and *that* is what I saw in the mirror that day, and why I do not like to go near mirrors ever.
Wow. I've never told that story to anyone before. I hope it has kept you company though this treacherous night. I hope it has kept you warm. Just knowing you're listening somewhere out there in the cold dark has kept me warm. Stay safe, wherever you are.
Good night, Night Vale. Good night.
Today’s proverb: What idiot called it Snowpiercer instead of Chris Evans’ Polar Express?
| Previous: Cat Show |
Transcripts | Next: The Space Race |