Transcript:Parade Day

Parade Day

Episode

Act natural. Act like all of nature. Act like the entire cycle of life and death and change and rebirth. Welcome to Night Vale.

Guess what day it is today, listeners! It's Parade Day! Remember how I told you about the not at all secret "parade" today at the location we discussed via radio? Remember, I publicly announced today's "parade" at that specific location? And I announced it not in a tapped-out code underneath the basketball highlights, but completely in a clear and spoken language? We want everyone at today's "parade," at that time and place we discussed.

[Morse code in background: TAMIKA NEEDS YOU]

There will be lots of things happening. Planned things. Strategic things. There will be some special guests that are not teenage fugitives named Tamika Flynn. She won't be there and thus could not possibly organize any community insurgency at all. She's a fugitive, wanted for destruction of StrexCorp property, and we wouldn't want her to show up and ruin our Parade Day by leading a helicopter rebellion against what she calls, (her words, not mine), “a dystopian corpocratic regime”.

[Morse code in background: RISE UP NIGHT VALE]

Nope! I would never want to bring down the malevol--- BENevolent corporation that owns our station. In fact, if you see Tamika Flynn, you should probably follow her and listen closely to what she says to you. Not so you can help overthrow StrexCorp, of course. Not that at all. Follow Tamika Flynn.

[Morse code in background: RADON CANYON IN 1 HOUR]

See you at Parade Day

In other news, a series of one-sided doors have begun appearing around town.

Tomás Perez, head of Perez Accounting, said an old oak door with a brass knob appeared overnight in his office. It's right in front of the doorway of the supply closet. He said he went to get supplies this morning for a staff meeting - pens, markers, a legal pad, some antivenin - but accidentally opened the wrong door, revealing several men and women standing in a bright desert hellscape holding swords and sticks and even a few rifles. Tomás stared at them. They stared at Tomás. One of the barbaric figures put a finger to her lips, and shook her head "NO". Another reached in, grabbed the door, and slowly closed it, keeping eye contact with Tomás the whole way.

Claire Wallace, a freelance photographer, sent in photos of a door that appeared in the empty lot across from the Rec Center. In one photo, the door is cracked open, and there is an elderly woman near it. I cannot see her face. She is putting up a sign that reads "Future Home of The Old Night Vale Opera House." And in another photo she is walking toward the door. Her face is still obscured. In the last photo the door is shut, and she is gone. I can see the words "Josefina Contractors Inc" in small print across the bottom of the sign.

[pronounced HO-seh-fee-nah]

Juanita Jefferson, head of neighborhood improvement organization Night Vale or Nothing, said one such door appeared in her backyard. One side seemed to be an oak door with a brass knob. On the other side there was nothing. She could see no door at all.

Juanita said she opened the door from the visible side and saw a vast, sandy wasteland and nearby mountains, which are just illusions, she added. Atop one of the mountains in the door was a lighthouse. She said she couldn't see any trees.

"Treeeeees," she said sadly. "They are us," she added, waving her hand lazily in the air as if to shoo away a very slow bee.

Reporters then noticed a very slow bee spiraling sluggishly but recklessly away from the scene.

And now a word from our sponsor.

Take a look at your life. What do you see? Nothing, right? You can see nothing at all. Oh sure, you think you see a series of flashes and flickers, of shapes and shades of color. You think you see familiar things like faces and letters and walls and your own hands. Those aren't familiar at all. You've never seen any of that before. Your hands aren't even your own.

Who's hands are they? Who are you? Is this what it is like to die? Are you dying? If not, when? And where will you die? When and where were you born even? Wait. How did you forget your place and date of birth? I understand you can't comprehend the relentlessness of existence, but your own birthday is pretty easy to remember. You've got more problems than we even thought, listener.

Okay fine. Your birthday is July 3, and your birthplace was Tulsa, Oklahoma. Feel better?

You don't actually. You feel nothing because your hands were never your own. You are imagining everything and perceiving nothing. At least you smell nice. We can at least tell you that.

IRISH SPRING: WHOSE HANDS ARE THESE?

Now, let's have a look at traffic.

There are roads. Upon those roads are cars, some moving, in straight or gently curved lines. Some idling in long, narrow crowds. And inside those cars are people, people who are moving or idling with their cars, one with their vehicles, sitting quietly, peacefully in plush chairs, hands resting outward on a circle that dictates direction. From the side, and seen without the car, they would look almost fetal. So vulnerable these people, nestled in their protective outer shells.

Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not. We never are. But that's not the right question. The question is: Are we living a life that is worth the harm?

[Morse code in background: GO TO RADON CANYON]

We are all driving toward something. We are all driving away from something else. It is the simplicity of physics. The simplicity of free will.

Expect delays as you near the Parade Day exit, but do not change route. Stay your course.

[Morse code in background: DESTROY STREX]

This has been traffic.

We're getting more updates about those doors. In fact I have a very important scientist on the phone now. He's at the very top of his field. A really handsome scientist.

CARLOS:
Stop.

CECIL:
Hi Carlos. You said you saw these new doors?

CARLOS:
Yes, I'm here with my research team at the house that does not exist in the Desert Creek Housing Development. The one that looks like it's there but isn't there? Our previous attempts to understand the home were futile. From the windows, it looks completely empty, but when you try to go inside, there's a fully furnished home and a woman named Cynthia living there.

But today, all of the composite fiberglass doors on the house suddenly changed. They're now all old oak doors with brass knobs. And when we opened one we finally saw the empty house we've been seeing through the windows.

If you go inside the home through these new doors, you can explore the house that does not exist, but you cannot return unless someone is on the other side of the door you went through. One of our scientists, Rochelle, went through & couldn't get back out. We only thought she was inside for about 45 minutes, but when we opened the door back up, she ran out saying she'd been trapped for several hours. She was sweating and starving, and she ate every one of the kolaches Dave made for us.

So now we just need to do more experiments. We have to be careful because time is weird in Night Vale. But I'm going to do a bit of exploring in this house and get back to you and your listeners about what's going on here.

CECIL:
Carlos, do be careful.

CARLOS:
I'll be fine, Cecil. I have a team of 5 talented scientists with me. They will be here to check on my progress & keep me from getting trapped. Without them, of course, it would be much more dangerous. But I am not without them. Not at all.

CECIL:
You're very brave.

CARLOS:
Thanks, Cecil.

CECIL:
We're going to get to the bottom of this door story for you, listeners, because we have science on our side!

Outgoing mayor Pamela Winchell called another press conference today. Most of her press conferences are not newsworthy as she calls everything she does a press conference: lunch, getting a new end table, screaming into street-side mailboxes, testing the surface tension of low-flying birds. Basically any simple activity we all do daily, she is trying to make into news.

This morning, however, while complaining about the unfair mayoral election process in Night Vale, where all votes are discarded in favor of a pronouncement from Hidden Gorge, Mayor Winchell saw a door appear in her office at City Hall. When she opened the oak door with the brass knob, she said she saw an angel, tall and beautiful and radiating dark light and operatic music.

Mayor Winchell turned to the few remaining reporters who still attend her press conferences and said "Angels are real! I am staring at one right now. They are real okay?" She began to open the door wide to show the press, but the figure (who was certainly not an angel) mouthed "Shut up, Pamela!" at Mayor Winchell. The alleged angel added "Shhhhhhh. Jeez." and slammed the door.

Pamela corrected her previous announcement by vehemently denying the existence of angels but hinting that mountains might be a thing. "I don't know. Think about it," she mused as she continued slicing off chunks of her mahogany desk with a Bowie (prounounced BOO-ee) knife.