Traffic

Traffic is a recurring segment on Cecil Palmer's show on Night Vale Community Radio.

Rather than a "normal" report on current road conditions, the traffic segment is generally some sort of vignette or short story, often with a vague but bleak existential message.

Podcast Occurrences

Episode	Traffic report
1	Police warn of ghost cars appearing on the highways off in the distance, "reaching unimaginable speeds, leaving destinations unknown for destinations more unknown".
3	Cecil literally looks at traffic, briefly commenting on the quality and/or speed of the cars he sees.
6	Stalled car on the northbound on-ramp to the eastern expressway just south of Route 800--Highway patrol denies this report Police representatives issued a statement claiming there are no cars anywhere Expect delays at the drawbridge construction site
7	Crews from the Department of Public Safety will be repainting highway lane markers this week The protective steel barriers along curves in the road will be taken down to make room for butcher-paper silhouettes Exits 15 to 17 along Route 800 will be closed for the next two Saturdays
8	Today I saw a running man.
14	Somewhere outside Night Vale a woman drives a blue, square-ish car with tires, windows and an engine that works…most of the time. A 15 year-old child sits in the passenger seat. Neither of them speaks.
15	Southbound HOV lanes of Route 800 near Exit 15 have large, glowing arrows. Drive over the arrows and get a boost in speed! Save time and gas, and get your high-occupancy vehicle to work on time! There’s a stalled car at the downtown off-ramp of Eastern Expressway. Tow trucks are on the scene to euthanize the vehicle and chase away scavenging vermin. There are several accidents to report. Infinite accidents. Everything is an accident.
16	Route 800 is looking clear in both directions. The old dirt road to the small wooden shack is backed up at least thirty minutes.
17	Look out for road closures all over in the general area. They’re in a bunch of different places…probably.
19A	A warning to residents to stay off the roads as the sandstorm sweeps in, which is "making travel nearly impossible", as well as a note that drivers are getting out of their cars and fighting each other in pairs.
19B	All roads are running smoothly. On Route 800, near exit 66, police are intervening in several fist fights.
20	Report by Katherine Ciel of Old Town.
21	Work crews are slithering on certain sections of Route 800. Drive slowly in these marked areas. Fines for traffic violations in these marked areas are double. All fines outside of the marked areas are quadruple, as usual. Advisory note form the DoT: Silverhawk - Copperhead - and the Gopher Activate I repeat Activate Execute - Mission - Alpha - November - Zulu - Zero - One - Three Lethal parameters acceptable
33	Allow a lot of extra time for any journeys today, and be on the lookout for abandoned cars and dazed people wandering into the roadway. Because, listeners, everything’s looking clear out there today.
35	A description of the path of a few drops of water from a mountain peak to the ocean.
36
39	The roads are looking clear
Live show 1	Listeners successfully murder a lone driver using the collective willpower of their minds. Test confirmed by City Council.
43
44
46	Expect delays as you near the Parade Day exit, but do not change route. Stay your course.
47	There are delays around the company picnic.
Live show 3	Picture a dog. Maybe avoid unarmed travel on Route 800 between exits 10 and 13.
57	We are eternal, but we will not last. There’s a fender-bender on Route 800 near exit 84B. Expect delays.
62	There is an accident at the corner of Hollows Road and Great Hills Drive; traffic is bad near the Best Buy.
68	There is a jackknifed 18-wheeler on the shoulder of westbound Route 800 near exit 4 causing serious delays. At the bus depot on Somerset, a fire hydrant was cracked open and now space and time have collapsed. Don't drive on Somerset, unless you want all of your matter collapsing into a singularity.
69
71	A woman walks into a bar. Presumably, she did not just appear there. “Can I have a drink?” she said to the bartender. “Oh, I’m sorry,” said the bartender. “This is the end of my shift. Ed will be out in a moment and he’ll be able to help you.” The bartender left the bar. Presumably, he opened the door.
72
80	(A series of instructions for moving one's legs.)
81	A spectrum of grey.
83	A farmer disappeared from his farm while trying to find the source of party noises on his property.
86	Two strangers met once one inconsequential evening.
90
91
94	A horrible accident on Route 99 and the highway is now closed in both directions until everyone feels emotionally prepared to drive again.
95	The roads are clear. They are completely transparent.
105	There’s a patch of falling snow on Route 800 that scientists cannot explain.
107	Night Vale: Ten uninterrupted minutes of farm sounds. Normcore Night Vale: There are no vehicles on the road, not since gasoline ran out. Trish Hidge is taking a walk on Route 800.
111	The ghost cars on the highway have started drag racing on the weekends.
114	Avoid Route 32, and take 9A instead. Human remains from the Old Cemetery have washed onto Route 32, with additional delays from sickened Department of Transportation workers and motorists.
122
124	There is a new traffic roundabout in Old Town, though no one knows how it works. If you go to the right when you should go to the left, your headlights explode. If you go left when you should go right, you get a phone call that one of your family members is in the hospital. If you hesitate, a stranger dies. And if you just keep going, you'll never stop.
127
133	Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I took them both.
134	Commutes are the limbo of the weekday. Everything is stasis. Expect delays.
135	Kevin narrates Charles' drive through town in his maroon Honda CRV.
136	Nearly a dozen minor traffic accidents near the dig site for the Mudstone Abyss. Several hazy dark shadows, vaguely human-shaped have begun to appear, drifting along the streets. There is a 10 minute back up entering downtown along...
138	When you were 12, you thought accidentally crashed your mother's car into Dons where she was shopping.
139	A scattering of roads in the desert, far from human habitation. These roads are only roads in the most theoretical of senses.
143	When you were young, you had a dream that your family left you alone at home, with only a snake as a caretaker. You are still waiting to wake from this dream.
144	A minor accident between a top secret military transport truck and a 2011 Honda CRV along Route 800 near exit 12. Expect 15 minute delays on Eastbound lanes of Route 800, near Exit 12.
152	There is a crack in the wall. There is a twinge in your heart. There is someone coming, but don't worry, there is also someone going.
156	Roads were clear for a brief period as all of the cars had disappeared from existence.
159	Expect delays of 20 minutes on westbound lanes of Route 800, near exit 19. Everyone on that side of the road simply started thinking about Uranus and giggling. Every single driver simultaneously remembered how the name of that planet always made them laugh in school. Eastbound lanes, who were trying to think of a single funny thing about Saturn, but could not, have slowed in response to their laughter.
161
168
170	A poem about a sweet island in the west.
172	Route 800 has turned into a river and is shut down until 4:00pm today The river is now branching out down side streets and into neighborhoods. Expect delays of up to 10 to 20 minutes as you try to get to Mission Grove Park.
182	A man named Sergei is stopped at the corner of High St and McDowell, watching lights in the sky.
185	There’s an overturned tractor trailer on Route 800 just south of Exit 3, which is blocking the left lanes of northbound traffic. The delays are made worse by rubberneckers who have slowed, ostensibly for safety precautions as they navigate around the wreck, but honestly they’re slowing to gawk. Avoid Route 800, unless you’re hoping to see a dead body. Or maybe a friendly dog.
198
202

Tweeted traffic reports

• Traffic report: Machines clogging the veins of the society they themselves have created. Use alternate routes.
• Traffic report: A swirling black vortex has consumed all lanes north of exit 19. Take alternate routes.
• Traffic report: All exits are looping directly back onto to the highway. No alternate routes.
• Traffic report: No major accidents or delays. Accelerate. Accelerate. ACCELERATE AND CLOSE YOUR EYES. HERE COMES THE "RIFT."
• Traffic report: Bees.
• Traffic report: Facts can prove anything you want them to prove. No one can agree on the traffic. Best you find out for yourself.
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