Rather than a "normal" report on current road conditions, the traffic segment is generally some sort of vignette or short story, often with a vague but bleak existential message.
|8||Today I saw a running man.|
|14||Somewhere outside Night Vale a woman drives a blue, square-ish car with tires, windows and an engine that works…most of the time. A 15 year-old child sits in the passenger seat. Neither of them speaks.|
|16||Route 800 is looking clear in both directions. The old dirt road to the small wooden shack is backed up at least thirty minutes.|
|17||Look out for road closures all over in the general area. They’re in a bunch of different places…probably.|
|20||Report by Katherine Ciel of Old Town.|
|21||Work crews are slithering on certain sections of Route 800. Drive slowly in these marked areas. Fines for traffic violations in these marked areas are double. All fines outside of the marked areas are quadruple, as usual.
|33||Allow a lot of extra time for any journeys today, and be on the lookout for abandoned cars and dazed people wandering into the roadway. Because, listeners, everything’s looking clear out there today.|
|35||A description of the path of a few drops of water from a mountain peak to the ocean.|
|39||The roads are looking clear|
|Live show 1||Listeners successfully murder a lone driver using the collective willpower of their minds. Test confirmed by City Council.|
|46||Expect delays as you near the Parade Day exit, but do not change route. Stay your course.|
|47||There are delays around the company picnic.|
|Live show 3||Picture a dog. Maybe avoid unarmed travel on Route 800 between exits 10 and 13.|
|57||We are eternal, but we will not last. There’s a fender-bender on Route 800 near exit 84B. Expect delays.|
|62||There is an accident at the corner of Hollows Road and Great Hills Drive; traffic is bad near the Best Buy.|
|68||There is a jackknifed 18-wheeler on the shoulder of westbound Route 800 near exit 4 causing serious delays. At the bus depot on Somerset, a fire hydrant was cracked open and now space and time have collapsed. Don't drive on Somerset, unless you want all of your matter collapsing into a singularity.|
|80||(A series of instructions for moving one's legs.)|
|81||A spectrum of grey.|
|83||A farmer disappeared from his farm while trying to find the source of party noises on his property.|
|86||Two strangers met once one inconsequential evening.|
|94||A horrible accident on Route 99 and the highway is now closed in both directions until everyone feels emotionally prepared to drive again.|
|95||The roads are clear. They are completely transparent.|
|105||There’s a patch of falling snow on Route 800 that scientists cannot explain.|
|111||The ghost cars on the highway have started drag racing on the weekends.|
|114||Avoid Route 32, and take 9A instead. Human remains from the Old Cemetery have washed onto Route 32, with additional delays from sickened Department of Transportation workers and motorists.|
|124||There is a new traffic roundabout in Old Town, though no one knows how it works. If you go to the right when you should go to the left, your headlights explode. If you go left when you should go right, you get a phone call that one of your family members is in the hospital. If you hesitate, a stranger dies. And if you just keep going, you'll never stop.|
|133||Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I took them both.|
|134||Commutes are the limbo of the weekday. Everything is stasis. Expect delays.|
|135||Kevin narrates Charles' drive through town in his maroon Honda CRV.|
|136||Nearly a dozen minor traffic accidents near the dig site for the Mudstone Abyss. Several hazy dark shadows, vaguely human-shaped have begun to appear, drifting along the streets. There is a 10 minute back up entering downtown along...|
|138||When you were 12, you thought accidentally crashed your mother's car into Dons where she was shopping.|
|143||When you were young, you had a dream that your family left you alone at home, with only a snake as a caretaker. You are still waiting to wake from this dream.|
|144||A minor accident between a top secret military transport truck and a 2011 Honda CRV along Route 800 near exit 12. Expect 15 minute delays on Eastbound lanes of Route 800, near Exit 12.|
|152||There is a crack in the wall. There is a twinge in your heart. There is someone coming, but don't worry, there is also someone going.|
|156||Roads were clear for a brief period as all of the cars had disappeared from existence.|
|159||Expect delays of 20 minutes on westbound lanes of Route 800, near exit 19. Everyone on that side of the road simply started thinking about Uranus and giggling. Every single driver simultaneously remembered how the name of that planet always made them laugh in school. Eastbound lanes, who were trying to think of a single funny thing about Saturn, but could not, have slowed in response to their laughter.|
|170||A poem about a sweet island in the west.|
|182||A man named Sergei is stopped at the corner of High St and McDowell, watching lights in the sky.|
Tweeted traffic reports
- Traffic report: Machines clogging the veins of the society they themselves have created. Use alternate routes.
- Traffic report: A swirling black vortex has consumed all lanes north of exit 19. Take alternate routes.
- Traffic report: All exits are looping directly back onto to the highway. No alternate routes.
- Traffic report: No major accidents or delays. Accelerate. Accelerate. ACCELERATE AND CLOSE YOUR EYES. HERE COMES THE "RIFT."
- Traffic report: Bees.
- Traffic report: Facts can prove anything you want them to prove. No one can agree on the traffic. Best you find out for yourself.