- "If Night Vale is going to beat their bitter rivals this year, and stave off the government-administered pestilence that follows a losing season record, Sandero will have to improve his accuracy."
Michael Sandero was the quarterback of the Night Vale High School football team, the Night Vale Scorpions during his senior year (2013-2014). He has since graduated and now plays for the University of Mi-chigan.
Michael Sandero grew up with Cerebral palsy, and had his hand amputated by the City Council due to an overdue library book. These ailments were cured when Michael was struck by a bolt of sentient lightning during the off-season before junior year. This caused him to become super strong ("the strength of two jeeps"), and as intelligent as a "heavily concussed René Descartes."
Some time later, Michael grew a second head, which was more attractive and more intelligent than his original head. This caused his mother, Flora, to update her "Which of my children I like best" board, placing Michael's second head above Michael. When Michael underwent off-season surgery to have his second head removed, his mother elected instead to remove Michael's original head. She justifies this decision by pointing out that the new head is "much handsomer and doesn't talk back as much," as it only speaks Russian. Because of this, Michael's performance has dropped, because he can no longer understand the English or Spanish instructions of the coach. Also, because he can no longer watch English or Spanish soap operas, he has quit watching TV in general.