List of Proverbs

Episode No.	Title	Release Date
1	Pilot	15 June 2012
Look to the north. Keep looking. There's nothing coming from the south.
2	Glow Cloud	1 July 2012
Men are from Mars; women are from Venus; Earth is a hallucination; podcasts are dreams.
3	Station Management	15 July 2012
There's a special place in Hell. It's really hip. Very exclusive.
4	PTA Meeting	1 August 2012
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening? I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help.
5	The Shape in Grove Park	15 August 2012
A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A basilisk.
6	The Drawbridge	1 September 2012
Lost? Confused? Lacking direction? Need to find a purpose in your life?
7	History Week	15 September 2012
It must be 3:23 PM somewhere. Maybe space?
8	The Lights in Radon Canyon	1 October 2012
We are living in an immaterial world, a ghost world, and I am an immaterial girl - a ghost.
9	"PYRAMID"	15 October 2012
"Nice bolo tie," is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive.
10	Feral Dogs	1 November 2012
Eating meat is a difficult moral decision, because it's stolen, that meat. You should apologise.
11	Wheat & Wheat By-Products	14 November 2012
Today is the last day of your life up to this point.
12	The Candidate	1 December 2012
Does the carpet match the drapes? No, it doesn’t. You’re the worst interior decorator. Please leave my home.
13	A Story About You.	15 December 2012
I’d never join a PEN15 club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
14	The Man in the Tan Jacket	1 January 2013
Biologically speaking, we are all people made up of smaller people.
15	Street Cleaning Day	15 January 2013
One incorporeal being said to the other, “I’m not here too! Make friends?"
16	The Phone Call	1 February 2013
If I said you had a beautiful body, would it even matter because we are so insignificant in this vast incomprehensible universe?
17	Valentine	15 February 2013
Werner Herzog is the most interesting person.
18	The Traveler	1 March 2013
Find more ways to work ‘plinth’ into daily conversations.
19A	The Sandstorm (Part A)	15 March 2013
Step one: write down the names of everyone you know. Step two: rearrange the letters. Step three: this will reveal a great secret of time.
19B	The Sandstorm (Part B)	15 March 2013
Step one: separate your lips. Step two: use facial muscles to pull back corners of mouth. Step three: widen your eyes. This is how to be happy.
20	Poetry Week	1 April 2013
Pain is just weakness leaving the body, and then being replaced by pain. Lots of pain.
21	A Memory of Europe	15 April 2013
Ask your doctor if right is left for you.
22	The Whispering Forest	1 May 2013
If you love someone, set them free. Set them free now. This is the police, and we have you surrounded.
23	Eternal Scouts	15 May 2013
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys. Show them pictures of cows when they’re young and administer brief electrical shocks.
24	The Mayor	1 June 2013
The most dangerous game is man. The most entertaining game is Broadway Puppy Ball. The most weird game is Esoteric Bear.
25	One Year Later	15 June 2013
Fun game. Say "toy boat" over and over. Do it for the rest of your life. Retreat from society and live on alms. Whisper "toy boat' as you die.
26	Faceless Old Woman	1 July 2013
The human soul weighs 21 grams, smells like grilled vegetables, looks like a wrinkled tartan quilt, and sounds like bridge traffic.
27	First Date	15 July 2013
Production oversight by Tory Malatea, who is holding a small locket. He is not speaking. He’d just like for you to touch the locket. His hand is twisted. His skin is forming into scales. Just touch it once. Just once, okay?
28	Summer Reading Program	1 August 2013
A bar walks into a bar. The bartender is a snake eating its own tail. The windows look out only onto the face of the one who looks.
29	Subway	15 August 2013
Your body is a temple. A temple of blood rituals and pagan tributes, a lost temple, a temple that needs more calcium. You should maybe try vitamin supplements.
30	Dana	1 September 2013
Look to the sky. You will not find answers there, but you will certainly see what everyone is screaming about.
31	A Blinking Light up on the Mountain	15 September 2013
Throw your hands in the air. Now your arms. Keep detaching limbs and throwing them in the air. Hopefully, the birds will be sated and leave.
32	Yellow Helicopters	1 October 2013
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never quite describe the pain.
33	Cassette	15 October 2013
You can lead a horse to water, and you can lead a horse into water, and you can swim around with the horse and have fun.
34	A Beautiful Dream	1 November 2013
Thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. We're not accepting applications at this time. Please try again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.
35	Lazy Day	15 November 2013
On this day in history: mundanity, and terror, and food, and love, and trees.
36	Missing	1 December 2013
Look. Up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. No. It's just the void. Infinite and indifferent. We're so small. So very very small.
37	The Auction	15 December 2013
Listen. I'm not a hero. The real heroes are the people that point out to us when protesters have smartphones, thus invalidating all concerns.
38	Orange Grove	1 January 2014
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single command from a satellite-activated mind control chip.
39	The Woman from Italy	15 January 2014
Your Bitcoin address is your middle name, followed by the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.
40	The Deft Bowman	1 February 2014
You can’t get blood from a turnip. Listen, you need some blood? I can totally get you some blood. Set that turnip down and follow me to the blood. There’s a lot of blood.
41	WALK	15 February 2014
Please move your brain so we can get to the drugs. And stop leaving it there. We've talked about this.
42	Numbers	1 March 2014
Ignore all the haters telling you that everything isn't a sandwich. Everything is a sandwich.
43	Visitor	15 March 2014
You won't sleep when you're dead, either.
44	Cookies	1 April 2014
At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire.
45	A Story About Them	15 April 2014
Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say your mother's in the hospital. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Listen. I'll drive you over there. We'll leave right now. Grab a coat; it's a little cold out. I'm so sorry.
46	Parade Day	1 May 2014
If you love something, set it free. If it starts flying around and chirping, it was probably a bird.
47	Company Picnic	15 May 2014
There's a difference between you're, your, and yarn. Yarn isn't even pronounced the same way. It's a completely different word.
48	Renovations	1 June 2014
Feeling lost? Like you have no goal in life? Like you're covered in dirt and wet leaves? Like you're an earthworm? Are you an earthworm? Kinda sounds like you're an earthworm, actually.
49B	Old Oak Doors Part B	1 July 2014
Wonderwall is the only 90's song visible from space.
50	Capital Campaign	15 July 2014
Soccer is also commonly known as football, Canadian baseball, American football, violent jogging, and World War Two.
51	Rumbling	1 August 2014
Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Except ostriches. What the hell man?
52	The Retirement of Pamela Winchell	15 August 2014
Most people think pitbulls are dangerous dogs; but, biologically speaking, most pitbulls are just three Shih Tzu's wearing a trench coat.
53	The September Monologues	1 September 2014
*static* *rising tones* *abrupt end of episode*
54	A Carnival Comes to Town	15 September 2014
Say what you will about dance, but language is a limited form of expression.
55	The University of What It Is	1 October 2014
Language will evolve irregardless of your attempt to literally lock it away in a secluded tower, obvs.
56	Homecoming	15 October 2014
I’ve got more rhymes than the Bible’s got psalms, 151. I’ve got 151 rhymes.
Bonus Ep. 1	Minutes	1 November 2014
If you're worried your writing isn't good just remember the earth is warming and soon good and bad writing alike will all be underwater.
Bonus Ep. 2	What of the Sea?	15 November 2014
Remember that all sentences must have a noun, a verb, and the phrase "foolish mortals".
57	The List	1 December 2014
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Also beware of gifts of Greek bears. Gifted and bare Greeks are totally okay.
58	Monolith	15 December 2014
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the other dog in the fight.
59	Antiques	1 January 2015
If you want a picture of the future, imagine a person writing headlines about millennials forever.
60	Water Failure	15 January 2015
The reason we say "bless you" after someone sneezes is because we know they will die someday.
61	BRINY DEPTHS	1 February 2015
I let my haters be my motivators. Mostly they tell me I suck, and then I get sad. This was a terrible idea.
62	Hatchets	15 February 2015
Ask your doctor just who he thinks he is. Say it just like that. Say, "Who do you think you are?" See if he starts crying. I know I would.
63	There Is No Part 1: Part 2	1 March 2015
History is written by the victors. And then forgotten by the victors. And then the victors die too.
64	WE MUST GIVE PRAISE	15 March 2015
Don’t bring a gun to a knife fight. Don’t bring a knife to a knife fight, either. Stop going to knife fights altogether. What’s your deal with knife fights?
65	Voicemail	1 April 2015
Instead of a proverb today, I just have some important news about the stray cats that live outside my apartment. There is the usual one, named Bisquick, who is missing one ear and is terrifying, but today I saw a second one, who is fatter and less terrifying and who I have named The Baron. I will keep you updated as events unfold.
66	worms...	15 April 2015
When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. But, because of distance, not for millions of years.
67	Best Of?	1 May 2015
“I’m all business,” I say, peeling off my skin strip by strip, showing you what oozes out. “Business to my core.”
68	Faceless Old Women	15 May 2015
Don’t be afraid of the dark. Be afraid of the terrible things that are hiding in there, and the terrible things they will do.
69	Fashion Week	1 June 2015
Dress your dog for the job you want, not the job you have.
70(a)	Taking Off	14 June 2015
A rose by any other name is called something else.
70(b)	Review	14 June 2015
You say potato, I say potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Yes, this is very good. Let's keep going. Potato. Potato. Potato...
71	The Registry of Middle School Crushes	31 July 2015
I had a dream in which cow-sized pugs existed. I was on a train, and one loped along outside my window. I'm sorry your dreams aren't as good.
72	Well of Night	15 August 2015
When someone says, "I'm a dog person," I always reply, "Yeah? Well I'm a lizard person." And then I peel off my face.
73	Tryptich	31 August 2015
Candles lit, runes drawn upon the floor, sacrifice prepared. Everything is ready for the summoning. I begin the incantation: "Shakira, Shakira!"
74	Civic Changes	15 September 2015
The word “motel” is an amalgam of the words “hotel” and “murder.”
75	Through the Narrow Place	1 October 2015
Drake would you like to add you to his professional network on LinkedIn.
76	An Epilogue	15 October 2015
"Late capitalism" is such a sweetly optimistic phrase.
77	A Stranger	31 October 2015
I'm a single issue voter. If the candidate is not a baby polar bear, I straight up cannot support them.
78	Cooking Stuff: Thanksgiving Special	15 November 2015
If a car flashes its brights at you, it's probably a gang, and if you flash your brights back, the gang gives you cake. It's a cake gang.
79	Lost In The Mail	1 December 2015
Ever wondered how a plane flies? Well the answer is that no-one knows. Pilots are scared to ask. If we ask, maybe it'll stop working.
80	A New Sheriff in Town	14 December 2015
There are hot singles in your area, and they all died exactly 20 years ago on a night just like tonight.
26	Faceless Old Woman (R)	1 January 2016
How to have a successful podcast: Learn what podcasting is. Do I need a mic? Serial is a thing, right? Like the radio?
13	A Story About You. (R)	15 January 2016
Summer, Fall, feeling sort of but not quite sick all the time, Spring.
81	After 3327	31 January 2016
You know what would be great? If someone made a movie showing Spiderman's origin story. I'd love to finally see that on the big screen.
82	Skating Rink	15 February 2016
Be careful what you wish for. Because it probably won't come true, and life is about expectations management.
83	One Normal Town	1 March 2016
Actually, it's Properties Brother.
84	Past Time	15 March 2016
Dance like the government is watching.
85	The April Monologues	1 April 2016
Put your (STATIC) in, take your (STATIC) out, put your (STATIC) in, and (EXTENDED STATIC, ELECTRONIC BUZZING) all about.
86	Standing and Breathing	15 April 2016
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe there should be only one continent.
87	The Trial of Hiram McDaniels	1 May 2016
"Them's the brakes, kid," said the most annoying driving instructor ever.
88	Things Fall Apart	15 May 2016
Want to feel old? People born in 2014 have already graduated college, don’t know what a trombone is and are all named after gourds.
89	Who's a Good Boy? Part 1	1 June 2016
Remember to compliment-sandwich when critiquing. Example: "That’s an okay shirt you have on. Everything you wrote is bad. You’re wearing a shirt."
90	Who's a Good Boy? Part 2	15 June 2016
You can tell a lot about someone. By coming into our office, and confessing everything you know about them.
91	The 12:37	1 August 2016
Here is the church, here is the steeple. Open it up and see all the people screaming about the giant who just tore the roof open.
92	If He Had Lived	15 August 2016
Writing rules: Write a lot Read a lot If someone tells you not to use adverbs or some other Elmore Leonard thing, swiftly kick them.
93	Big Sister	1 September 2016
Drive it like you stole it. But you stole it, because you really loved it and you would not like it to be damaged. Basically, drive carefully.
94	All Right	15 September 2016
This is Doritos' world, we just live in it.
95	Zookeeper	1 October 2016
Want to feel old? People born in 2014 have already graduated college, don’t know what a trombone is and are all named after gourds.
96	Negotiations	15 October 2016
The children were right. The floor is lava. But they were wrong about the heat resistance of sofa cushions.
97	Josefina	1 November 2016
If there's not a race to get to the dance competition on time, then your screenplay isn't finished.
98	Flight	15 November 2016
So there's this commercial and it's like this is a baby, and she's not getting along with the dog, she's like a little afraid of the dog, and the dog is like a big, a beautiful golden retriever, and um, so like the golden retrievers like feels sad cause he can't be with his family cause the baby doesn't like it, but so the dad sees that the baby likes the, the, um, the stuffed animal that she has which is a lion, so the dad goes and orders a lion mane for the dog and then he puts it, he puts in on the dog and then the dog, the dog walks in as the lion and the baby loves it and the dog is happy cause it can be part of the family again as, as a lion. Thank you.
99	Michigan	1 December 2016
A four star hotel will put mints on your pillow, whereas a five star hotel will put candy bars in your butt.
100	Toast	15 December 2016
"It's always darkest before the dawn," we are always reassured by people who are totally wrong about how the sun works.
39 (R)	The Woman from Italy (R)	1 January 2017
Well it's 2017, so there went that excuse. What do we wanna start blaming to avoid despair now?
28	Summer Reading Program (R)	15 January 2017
You have some teeth in your food.
101	Guidelines for Disposal	1 February 2017
"There's no harm in trying" really depends on what you're trying. Either way, give it a go - it's probably fine.
102	Love Is a Shambling Thing	15 February 2017
Live every day like it's your first.
103	Ash Beach	1 March 2017
If you're not wearing a denim vest, then this conversation is over.
104	The Hierarchy of Angels	15 March 2017
A million dollars isn't a sandwich. You know what's a sandwich? A taco.
105	What Happened at the Smithwick House	01 April 2017
"You are what you eat." That's very confusing phrasing. Let me simplify: You consume your own flesh. Much clearer.
106	Filings	15 April 2017
Good thing to those who wait. Good things come slithering down the unctuous brown stone wall to those who wait alone in the dark pit.
107	The Missing Sky	01 May 2017
Top o' the mornin' to you, the rest of the day to me; I never said this was fair.
108	Cal	15 May 2017
You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but you'll catch even more with a corpse of some sort.
109	A Story About Huntokar	01 June 2017
Less is more. Simplification is the way to happiness. You are not your things. Anyway, thanks for your wallet! Bye~!
110	Matryoshka	15 June 2017
If you only read one book this year, then you have reached your approved book quota.
111	Summer 2017, Night Vale, USA	01 August 2017
There is no proof you exist, only evidence.
112	Citizen Spotlight	15 August 2017
Be yourself... as if you had any choice in the matter.
113	Niecelet	01 September 2017
Follow your heart; you need it. Where did it ever learn to walk?
114	Council Member Flynn, Part 1	15 September 2017
The seven habits of highly effective people are; Levitation Translucence Omnipresence Country music Lime zest Suns for eyes Hiccups
115	Council Member Flynn, Part 2	01 October 2017
Pull this lever. Don't worry, you will never know the result. There will be a result.
116	Council Member Flynn, Part 3	15 October 2017
We are all (an elite few) in this (a secret underground emergency bunker) together (on our own without public knowledge).
117	eGemony, part 1: “Canadian Club”	01 November 2017
People always say "before I die" as if they haven't already begun the process.
118	eGemony, Part 2: “The Cavelands”	15 November 2017
Why would you wanna think outside the box? The box is steel, and locked, and buried deeply underground. It's so safe here. Why would you want to leave?
119	eGemony, Part 3: "Love, Among Other Things, Is All You Need"	01 December 2017
For softer bones and a tenuous smile, drink malk. Got mock? It's here. Drink it. ([high-pitched] Drink it.) Drink this muelk. Mmmm. (Garbled noise). ([high-pitched, again] Drink it.)
120	All Smiles' Eve	15 December 2017
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, now you're just being an asshole.
121	A Story of Love and Horror, Part 1: “Barks”	01 February 2018
Welcome to 2018. The year we finally do it. The year we eat the sun.
122	A Story of Love and Horror, Part 2: “Spire”	15 February 2018
I'm going to give you a piece of my mind! It's in this clay jar. Keep it in a cool, dark place, and away from cats.
123	A Story of Love and Horror, Part 3: “Frances”	01 March 2018
We regret to inform you that this entire podcast series has been viral marketing for Dippin' Dots. We don't think we made that obvious enough and we're panicking a little. Please tell someone to try Dippin' Dots today. We are going to be in so much trouble.
124	A Door Ajar Part 1	15 March 2018
Bite your tongue. Fun, right?
125	A Door Ajar Part 2	01 April 2018
I believe in tough love. Also, tough tenderness, tough vulnerability, and a daily session of tough mindfulness meditation.
126	A Door Ajar Part 3	15 April 2018
Pick a company and invest all your money in it. The absolute worst that could happen is that you lose every cent, and it would be terrifying and lifechanging. So give it a shot.
127	A Matter of Blood Part 1	01 May 2018
Hey, what's your sign? Mine's a stop sign; I stole it from an intersection, and I hold it up every time someone tries to talk to me.
128	A Matter of Blood Part 2	15 May 2018
Our money back guarantee: when you die, the world gets your money back.
129	A Matter of Blood Part 3	01 June 2018
My name for the pony I have been planning to get one day has been 'Ponye West', for years, but for obvious reasons I have recently changed it to 'Janelle PoNeigh'. This wasn't written for me by Joseph, these are the actual names I've made up for my dream pony.
130	A Story About Us	15 June 2018
Anything is a piñata if you hit it hard enough.
131	Brought to You by Kellogg’s	01 August 2018
Keep your eye on the ball. Keep your lungs on the court. Leave your stomach in the locker room.
132	Bedtime Story	15 August 2018
Live every moment as if it were just one of the two and a half billion moments you have in your life. Seriously, pace yourself.
133	Are You Sure? Earl version	01 September 2018
This one weird trick doesn’t seem to have any real purpose. But maybe give it a try anyway.
133	Are You Sure? Leann version	01 September 2018
True change starts with the person in the mirror. He’s standing far behind you, barely visible. He’s really going to change things.
133	Are You Sure? Telly version	01 September 2018
How do I love thee? Let me tally up all the points I’ve assigned to your personal value with respect to my needs.
134	Fall Football Preview	15 September 2018
Dress for the job you want, sports team mascot, Not the job you have, customer service manager.
135	The Mudstone Abyss Part 1	1 October 2018
On second thought, a million dollars is cool. Finger guns to you, million dollars!
136	The Mudstone Abyss Part 2	15 October 2018
Girl, did you fall from heaven? 'Cause there's a giant crater where you landed and radiation levels are spiking.
137	The Mudstone Abyss Part 3	31 October 2018
Kangaroos are deer, abbreviated.
138	Harvest Time	1 November 2018
If you circle the letters in the Bible just right, you get the phrase "lightly dressed kale." Still don't know what that means, but it's direct from God.
139	The Birthday of Lee Marvin	30 November 2018
Every example of irony in the song "Ironic" is completely correct, because that song single-handedly changed the common parlance definition of irony.
140	A Blood Stone Carol	14 December 2018
The universe contains, among other things, black holes, vast clouds of gas and light, a planet made of diamond, and your tiny body.
141	Save Dark Owl Records	31 January 2019
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is worthwhile is to remember that the most successful video game of all time is "a plumber steps on turtles." So, who knows.
142	UFO Sighting Reports	14 February 2019
In Europe, instead of cell phone, they say mobile. Instead of arugula, they say rocket. Instead of letting you die because of lack of health insurance, they take care of you when you're sick. It's a weird place.
143	Pioneer Days	28 February 2019
The leading cause of death is having a body.
144	The Dreamer	14 March 2019
Talk to your kids about the birds and the bees. "Never look directly at birds," you should say to them. "And bees? Don't get me started."
145	The Veterans	31 March 2019
Develop your chi. Really work that chi hard. Get six-pack chi. Totally swole with chi. Roll up those sleeves and welcome people to the chi show.
146	The Birthday of Lee Marvin	14 April 2019
A group of chihuahuas is called a committee. A group of Labradors is called a jumble. A group of golden retrievers is called a butter dish.
147	The Protester	30 April 2019
"Nothing lasts forever" is a phrase with two meanings, and they're both true.
148	The Broadcaster	14 May 2019
Ask your doctor about dogs. Have a long conversation about how good dogs are. Show each other pictures of dogs.
149	The General	31 May 2019
I'm gonna take my horse to the old town road, and then we're gonna go grab drinks and dinner, maybe watch a movie. Girls' night.
150	The Birthday of Lee Marvin	15 June 2019
Technically, the first human being and the first human being in space were the same person.

Live Shows

Show No.	Title	Release Date
1	Condos	25 September 2013
25 September 2013 - Please keep all arms and legs inside the car at all times. Also, you are under arrest. Why is your car full of limbs? Whose are these? 18 December 2013 - All tattoos are temporary tattoos.
2	The Debate	10 October 2013
Don't judge a book by its cover... By its leather cover... By its human skin-looking cover... Don't ever judge that book.
3	Thrilling Adventure Hour & Welcome to Night Vale Crossover	1 October 2014
No proverb for this show
4	The Librarian	1 March 2015
To quote the great Herman Melville: "Call me"