| Episode No. | Title | Release Date |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | "Pilot" | 15 June 2012 |
| Look to the north. Keep looking. There's nothing coming from the south. | ||
| 2 | "Glow Cloud" | 1 July 2012 |
| Men are from Mars; women are from Venus; Earth is a hallucination; podcasts are dreams. | ||
| 3 | "Station Management" | 15 July 2012 |
| There's a special place in Hell. It's really hip. Very exclusive. | ||
| 4 | "PTA Meeting" | 1 August 2012 |
| What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening? I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help. | ||
| 5 | "The Shape in Grove Park" | 15 August 2012 |
| A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A basilisk. | ||
| 6 | "The Drawbridge" | 1 September 2012 |
| Lost? Confused? Lacking direction? Need to find a purpose in your life? | ||
| 7 | "History Week" | 15 September 2012 |
| It must be 3:23 PM somewhere. Maybe space? | ||
| 8 | "The Lights in Radon Canyon" | 1 October 2012 |
| We are living in an immaterial world, a ghost world, and I am an immaterial girl - a ghost. | ||
| 9 | ""PYRAMID"" | 15 October 2012 |
| "Nice bolo tie," is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive. | ||
| 10 | "Feral Dogs" | 1 November 2012 |
| Eating meat is a difficult moral decision, because it's stolen, that meat. You should apologise. | ||
| 11 | "Wheat & Wheat By-Products" | 15 November 2012 |
| Today is the last day of your life up to this point. | ||
| 12 | "The Candidate" | 1 December 2012 |
| Does the carpet match the drapes? No, it doesn’t. You’re the worst interior decorator. Please leave my home. | ||
| 13 | "A Story About You." | 15 December 2012 |
| I’d never join a PEN15 club that would allow a person like me to become a member. | ||
| 14 | "The Man in the Tan Jacket" | 1 January 2013 |
| Biologically speaking, we are all made up of smaller people. | ||
| 15 | "Street Cleaning Day" | 15 January 2013 |
| One incorporeal being said to the other, “I’m not here too! Make friends?" | ||
| 16 | "The Phone Call" | 1 February 2013 |
| If I said you had a beautiful body, would it even matter because we are so insignificant in this vast incomprehensible universe? | ||
| 17 | "Valentine" | 15 February 2013 |
| Werner Herzog is the most interesting person. | ||
| 18 | "The Traveler" | 1 March 2013 |
| Find more ways to work ‘plinth’ into daily conversations. | ||
| 19A | "The Sandstorm (Part A)" | 15 March 2013 |
| ||
| 19B | "The Sandstorm (Part B)" | 15 March 2013 |
This is how to be happy. | ||
| 20 | "Poetry Week" | 1 April 2013 |
| Pain is just weakness leaving the body, and then being replaced by pain. Lots of pain. | ||
| 21 | "A Memory of Europe" | 15 April 2013 |
| Ask your doctor if right is left for you. | ||
| 22 | "The Whispering Forest" | 1 May 2013 |
| If you love someone, set them free. Set them free now. This is the police, and we have you surrounded. | ||
| 23 | "Eternal Scouts" | 15 May 2013 |
| Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys. Show them pictures of cows when they’re young and administer brief electrical shocks. | ||
| 24 | "The Mayor" | 1 June 2013 |
| The most dangerous game is man. The most entertaining game is Broadway Puppy Ball. The most weird game is Esoteric Bear. | ||
| 25 | "One Year Later" | 15 June 2013 |
| Fun game. Say "toy boat" over and over. Do it for the rest of your life. Retreat from society and live on alms. Whisper "toy boat' as you die. | ||
| 26 | "Faceless Old Woman" | 1 July 2013 |
| The human soul weighs 21 grams, smells like grilled vegetables, looks like a wrinkled tartan quilt, and sounds like bridge traffic. | ||
| 27 | "First Date" | 15 July 2013 |
| Production oversight by Torey Malatia, who is holding a small locket. He is not speaking. He’d just like for you to touch the locket. His hand is twisted. His skin is forming into scales. Just touch it once. Just once, okay? | ||
| 28 | "Summer Reading Program" | 1 August 2013 |
| A bar walks into a bar. The bartender is a snake eating its own tail. The windows look out only onto the face of the one who looks. | ||
| 29 | "Subway" | 15 August 2013 |
| Your body is a temple. A temple of blood rituals and pagan tributes, a lost temple, a temple that needs more calcium. You should maybe try vitamin supplements. | ||
| 30 | "Dana" | 1 September 2013 |
| Look to the sky. You will not find answers there, but you will certainly see what everyone is screaming about. | ||
| 31 | A Blinking Light up on the Mountain | 15 September 2013 |
|
Throw your hands in the air. Now your arms. Keep detaching limbs and throwing them in the air. Hopefully, the birds will be sated and leave. | ||
| 32 | "Yellow Helicopters" | 1 October 2013 |
|
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never quite describe the pain. | ||
| 33 | "Cassette" | 15 October 2013 |
|
You can lead a horse to water, and you can lead a horse into water, and you can swim around with the horse and have fun. | ||
| 34 | "A Beautiful Dream" | 1 November 2013 |
|
Thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. We're not accepting applications at this time. Please try again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. | ||
| 35 | "Lazy Day" | 15 November 2013 |
|
On this day in history: mundanity, and terror, and food, and love, and trees. | ||
| 36 | "Missing" | 1 December 2013 |
|
Look. Up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. No. It's just the void. Infinite and indifferent. We're so small. So very very small. | ||
| 37 | "The Auction" | 15 December 2013 |
|
Listen. I'm not a hero. The real heroes are the people that point out to us when protesters have smartphones, thus invalidating all concerns. | ||
| 38 | "Orange Grove" | 1 January 2014 |
|
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single command from a satellite-activated mind control chip. | ||
| 39 | "The Woman from Italy" | 15 January 2014 |
|
Your Bitcoin address is your middle name, followed by the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on. | ||
| 40 | "The Deft Bowman" | 1 February 2014 |
|
You can’t get blood from a turnip. Listen, you need some blood? I can totally get you some blood. Set that turnip down and follow me to the blood. There’s a lot of blood. | ||
| 41 | "WALK" | 15 February 2014 |
|
Please move your brain so we can get to the drugs. And stop leaving it there. We've talked about this. | ||
| 42 | "Numbers" | 1 March 2014 |
|
Ignore all the haters telling you that everything isn't a sandwich. Everything is a sandwich. | ||
| 43 | "Visitor" | 15 March 2014 |
|
You won't sleep when you're dead, either. | ||
| 44 | "Cookies" | 1 April 2014 |
|
At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire. | ||
| 45 | "A Story About Them" | 15 April 2014 |
|
Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say your mother's in the hospital. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Listen. I'll drive you over there. We'll leave right now. Grab a coat; it's a little cold out. I'm so sorry. | ||
| 46 | "Parade Day" | 1 May 2014 |
|
If you love something, set it free. If it starts flying around and chirping, it was probably a bird. | ||
| 47 | "Company Picnic" | 15 May 2014 |
|
There's a difference between you're, your, and yarn. Yarn isn't even pronounced the same way. It's a completely different word. | ||
| 48 | "Renovations" | 1 June 2014 |
|
Feeling lost? Like you have no goal in life? Like you're covered in dirt and wet leaves? Like you're an earthworm? Are you an earthworm? Kinda sounds like you're an earthworm, actually. | ||
| 49B | "Old Oak Doors Part B" | 1 July 2014 |
|
Wonderwall is the only 90's song visible from space. | ||
| 50 | "Capital Campaign" | 15 July 2014 |
|
Soccer is also commonly known as football, Canadian baseball, American football, violent jogging, and World War Two. | ||
| 51 | "Rumbling" | 1 August 2014 |
|
Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Except ostriches. What the hell man? | ||
| 52 | "The Retirement of Pamela Winchell" | 15 August 2014 |
|
Most people think pitbulls are dangerous dogs; but, biologically speaking, most pitbulls are just three Shih Tzu's wearing a trench coat. | ||
| 53 | "The September Monologues" | 1 September 2014 |
|
*static* *rising tones* *abrupt end of episode* | ||
| 54 | "A Carnival Comes to Town" | 15 September 2014 |
|
Say what you will about dance, but language is a limited form of expression. | ||
| 55 | "The University of What It Is" | 1 October 2014 |
|
Language will evolve irregardless of your attempt to literally lock it away in a secluded tower, obvs. | ||
| 56 | "Homecoming" | 15 October 2014 |
|
I’ve got more rhymes than the Bible’s got psalms, 151. I’ve got 151 rhymes. | ||
| Bonus Ep. 1 | "Minutes" | 1 November 2014 |
| If you're worried your writing isn't good just remember the earth is warming and soon good and bad writing alike will all be underwater. | ||
| Bonus Ep. 2 | "What of the Sea?" | 15 November 2014 |
| Remember that all sentences must have a noun, a verb, and the phrase "foolish mortals". | ||
| 57 | "The List" | 1 December 2014 |
| Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Also beware of gifts of Greek bears. Gifted and bare Greeks are totally okay. | ||
| 58 | "Monolith" | 15 December 2014 |
| It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the other dog in the fight. | ||
| 59 | "Antiques" | 1 January 2015 |
| If you want a picture of the future, imagine a person writing headlines about millennials forever. | ||
| 60 | "Water Failure" | 15 January 2015 |
| The reason we say "bless you" after someone sneezes is because we know they will die someday. | ||
| 61 | "BRINY DEPTHS" | 1 February 2015 |
| I let my haters be my motivators. Mostly they tell me I suck, and then I get sad. This was a terrible idea. | ||
| 62 | "Hatchets" | 15 February 2015 |
| Ask your doctor just who he thinks he is. Say it just like that. Say, "Who do you think you are?" See if he starts crying. I know I would. | ||
| 63 | "There Is No Part 1: Part 2" | 1 March 2015 |
| History is written by the victors. And then forgotten by the victors. And then the victors die too. | ||
| 64 | "WE MUST GIVE PRAISE" | 15 March 2015 |
| Don’t bring a gun to a knife fight. Don’t bring a knife to a knife fight, either. Stop going to knife fights altogether. What’s your deal with knife fights? | ||
| 65 | "Voicemail" | 1 April 2015 |
| Instead of a proverb today, I just have some important news about the stray cats that live outside my apartment. There is the usual one, named Bisquick, who is missing one ear and is terrifying, but today I saw a second one, who is fatter and less terrifying and who I have named The Baron. I will keep you updated as events unfold. | ||
| 66 | "worms..." | 15 April 2015 |
| When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. But, because of distance, not for millions of years. | ||
| 67 | "Best Of?" | 1 May 2015 |
| “I’m all business,” I say, peeling off my skin strip by strip, showing you what oozes out. “Business to my core.” | ||
| 68 | "Faceless Old Women" | 15 May 2015 |
| Don’t be afraid of the dark. Be afraid of the terrible things that are hiding in there, and the terrible things they will do. | ||
| 69 | "Fashion Week" | 1 June 2015 |
| Dress your dog for the job you want, not the job you have. | ||
| 70(a) | "Taking Off" | 15 June 2015 |
| A rose by any other name is called something else. | ||
| 70(b) | "Review" | 15 June 2015 |
| You say potato, I say potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Yes, this is very good. Let's keep going. Potato. Potato. Potato... | ||
| 71 | "The Registry of Middle School Crushes" | 1 August 2015 |
| I had a dream in which cow-sized pugs existed. I was on a train, and one loped along outside my window. I'm sorry your dreams aren't as good. | ||
| 72 | "Well of Night" | 15 August 2015 |
| When someone says, "I'm a dog person," I always reply, "Yeah? Well I'm a lizard person." And then I peel off my face. | ||
| 73 | "Tryptich" | 1 September 2015 |
| Candles lit, runes drawn upon the floor, sacrifice prepared. Everything is ready for the summoning. I begin the incantation: "Shakira, Shakira!" | ||
| 74 | "Civic Changes" | 15 September 2015 |
| The word “motel” is an amalgam of the words “hotel” and “murder.” | ||
| 75 | "Through the Narrow Place" | 1 October 2015 |
| Drake would you like to add you to his professional network on LinkedIn. | ||
| 76 | "An Epilogue" | 15 October 2015 |
| "Late capitalism" is such a sweetly optimistic phrase. | ||
| 77 | "A Stranger" | 31 October 2015 |
| I'm a single issue voter. If the candidate is not a baby polar bear, I straight up cannot support them. | ||
| 78 | "Cooking Stuff: Thanksgiving Special" | 15 November 2015 |
| If a car flashes its brights at you, it's probably a gang, and if you flash your brights back, the gang gives you cake. It's a cake gang. | ||
| 79 | "Lost in the Mail" | 1 December 2015 |
| Ever wondered how a plane flies? Well the answer is that no-one knows. Pilots are scared to ask. If we ask, maybe it'll stop working. | ||
| 80 | "A New Sheriff in Town" | 15 December 2015 |
| There are hot singles in your area, and they all died exactly 20 years ago on a night just like tonight. | ||
| 26 | "Faceless Old Woman" (R) | 1 January 2016 |
| How to have a successful podcast:
| ||
| 13 | "A Story About You." (R) | 15 January 2016 |
| Summer, Fall, feeling sort of but not quite sick all the time, Spring. | ||
| 81 | "After 3327" | 1 February 2016 |
| You know what would be great? If someone made a movie showing Spiderman's origin story. I'd love to finally see that on the big screen. | ||
| 82 | "Skating Rink" | 15 February 2016 |
| Be careful what you wish for. Because it probably won't come true, and life is mostly about, expectations management. | ||
| 83 | "One Normal Town" | 1 March 2016 |
| Actually, it's Properties Brother. | ||
| 84 | "Past Time" | 15 March 2016 |
| Dance like the government is watching. | ||
| 85 | "The April Monologues" | 1 April 2016 |
| Put your (STATIC) in, take your (STATIC) out, put your (STATIC) in, and (EXTENDED STATIC, ELECTRONIC BUZZING) all about. | ||
| 86 | "Standing and Breathing" | 15 April 2016 |
| Call me old-fashioned, but I believe there should be only one continent. | ||
| 87 | "The Trial of Hiram McDaniels" | 1 May 2016 |
| "Them's the brakes, kid," said the most annoying driving instructor ever. | ||
| 88 | "Things Fall Apart" | 15 May 2016 |
| Want to feel old? People born in 2014 have already graduated college, don’t know what a trombone is and are all named after gourds. | ||
| 89 | "Who's a Good Boy? Part 1" | 1 June 2016 |
| Remember to compliment-sandwich when critiquing. Example: "That’s an okay shirt you have on. Everything you wrote was bad. You’re wearing a shirt." | ||
| 90 | "Who's a Good Boy? Part 2" | 15 June 2016 |
| You can tell a lot about someone. By coming into our office, and confessing everything you know about them. | ||
| 91 | "The 12:37" | 1 August 2016 |
| Here is the church, here is the steeple. Open it up and see all the people screaming about the giant who just tore the roof open. | ||
| 92 | "If He Had Lived" | 15 August 2016 |
| Writing rules:
| ||
| 93 | "Big Sister" | 1 September 2016 |
| Drive it like you stole it. But you stole it, because you really loved it and you would not like it to be damaged. Basically, drive carefully. | ||
| 94 | "All Right" | 15 September 2016 |
| This is Doritos' world, we just live in it. | ||
| 95 | "Zookeeper" | 1 October 2016 |
| Want to feel old? People born in 2014 have already graduated college, don’t know what a trombone is and are all named after gourds. | ||
| 96 | "Negotiations" | 15 October 2016 |
| The children were right. The floor is lava. But they were wrong about the heat resistance of sofa cushions. | ||
| 97 | "Josefina" | 1 November 2016 |
| If there's not a race to get to the dance competition on time, then your screenplay isn't finished. | ||
| 98 | "Flight" | 15 November 2016 |
| So there’s this commercial and it’s like there’s this baby and she’s not getting along with the dog, she’s like a little afraid of the dog and the dog is like a big a beautiful Golden Retriever and um, so like the Golden Retriever like feels sad coz he can’t be with his family because the baby doesn’t like him, but so the Dad sees that um, the baby likes the the um, stuffed animal that she has which is a lion, so the Dad goes and orders a lion mane for the dog and then he puts it, he puts it on the dog and the dog, um the dog walks in as the lion and the baby loves it and the dog is happy coz it can be a part of the family again, as a as a lion. Thank you. | ||
| 99 | "Michigan" | 1 December 2016 |
| A four star hotel will put mints on your pillow, whereas a five star hotel will put candy bars in your butt. | ||
| 100 | "Toast" | 15 December 2016 |
| "It's always darkest before the dawn," we are always reassured by people who are totally wrong about how the sun works. | ||
| 39 (R) | "The Woman from Italy" (R) | 1 January 2017 |
| Well it's 2017, so there went that excuse. What do we wanna start blaming to avoid despair now? | ||
| 28 | "Summer Reading Program" (R) | 15 January 2017 |
| You have some teeth in your food. | ||
| 101 | "Guidelines for Disposal" | 1 February 2017 |
| "There's no harm in trying" really depends on what you're trying. Either way, give it a go - it's probably fine. | ||
| 102 | "Love Is a Shambling Thing" | 15 February 2017 |
| Live every day like it's your first. | ||
| 103 | "Ash Beach" | 1 March 2017 |
| If you're not wearing a denim vest, then this conversation is over. | ||
| 104 | "The Hierarchy of Angels" | 15 March 2017 |
| A million dollars isn't a sandwich. You know what's a sandwich? A taco. | ||
| 105 | "What Happened at the Smithwick House" | 1 April 2017 |
| "You are what you eat." That's very confusing phrasing. Let me simplify: You consume your own flesh. Much clearer. | ||
| 106 | "Filings" | 15 April 2017 |
| Good thing come to those who wait. Good things come slithering down the unctuous brown stone walls to those who wait alone in the dark pit. | ||
| 107 | "The Missing Sky" | 1 May 2017 |
| Top o' the mornin' to you, the rest of the day to me; I never said this was fair. | ||
| 108 | "Cal" | 15 May 2017 |
| You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but you'll catch even more with a corpse of some sort. | ||
| 109 | "A Story About Huntokar" | 1 June 2017 |
| Less is more. Simplification is the way to happiness. You are not your things. Anyway, thanks for your wallet! Bye~! | ||
| 110 | "Matryoshka" | 15 June 2017 |
| If you only read one book this year, then you have reached your approved book quota. | ||
| 111 | "Summer 2017, Night Vale, USA" | 1 August 2017 |
| There is no proof you exist, only evidence. | ||
| 112 | "Citizen Spotlight" | 15 August 2017 |
| Be yourself... as if you had any choice in the matter. | ||
| 113 | "Niecelet" | 1 September 2017 |
| Follow your heart; you need it. Where did it ever learn to walk? | ||
| 114 | "Council Member Flynn, Part 1" | 15 September 2017 |
| The seven habits of highly effective people are;
| ||
| 115 | "Council Member Flynn, Part 2" | 1 October 2017 |
| Pull this lever. Don't worry, you will never know the result. There will be a result. | ||
| 116 | "Council Member Flynn, Part 3" | 15 October 2017 |
| We are all (an elite few) in this (a secret underground emergency bunker) together (on our own without public knowledge). | ||
| 117 | "eGemony, Part 1: “Canadian Club”" | 1 November 2017 |
| People always say "before I die" as if they haven't already begun the process. | ||
| 118 | "eGemony, Part 2: “The Cavelands”" | 15 November 2017 |
| Why would you wanna think outside the box? The box is steel, and locked, and buried deeply underground. It's so safe here. Why would you want to leave? | ||
| 119 | "eGemony, Part 3: "Love, Among Other Things, Is All You Need"" | 1 December 2017 |
| For softer bones and a tenuous smile, drink malk. Got mock? It's here. Drink it. ([high-pitched] Drink it.) Drink this muelk. Mmmm. (Garbled noise). ([high-pitched, again] Drink it.) | ||
| 120 | "All Smiles' Eve" | 15 December 2017 |
| Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, now you're just being an asshole. | ||
| 121 | "A Story of Love and Horror, Part 1: “Barks”" | 1 February 2018 |
| Welcome to 2018. The year we finally do it. The year we eat the sun. | ||
| 122 | "A Story of Love and Horror, Part 2: “Spire”" | 15 February 2018 |
| I'm going to give you a piece of my mind! It's in this clay jar. Keep it in a cool, dark place, and away from cats. | ||
| 123 | "A Story of Love and Horror, Part 3: “Frances”" | 1 March 2018 |
| We regret to inform you that this entire podcast series has been viral marketing for Dippin' Dots. We don't think we made that obvious enough and we're panicking a little. Please tell someone to try Dippin' Dots today. We are going to be in so much trouble. | ||
| 124 | "A Door Ajar Part 1" | 15 March 2018 |
| Bite your tongue. Fun, right? | ||
| 125 | "A Door Ajar Part 2" | 1 April 2018 |
| I believe in tough love. Also, tough tenderness, tough vulnerability, and a daily session of tough mindfulness meditation. | ||
| 126 | "A Door Ajar Part 3" | 15 April 2018 |
| Pick a company and invest all your money in it. The absolute worst that could happen is that you lose every cent, and it would be terrifying and lifechanging. So give it a shot. | ||
| 127 | "A Matter of Blood Part 1" | 1 May 2018 |
| Hey, what's your sign? Mine's a stop sign; I stole it from an intersection, and I hold it up every time someone tries to talk to me. | ||
| 128 | "A Matter of Blood Part 2" | 15 May 2018 |
| Our money back guarantee: when you die, the world gets your money back. | ||
| 129 | "A Matter of Blood Part 3" | 1 June 2018 |
| My name for the pony I have been planning to get one day has been 'Ponye West', for years, but for obvious reasons I have recently changed it to 'Janelle PoNeigh'. This wasn't written for me by Joseph, these are the actual names I've made up for my dream pony. | ||
| 130 | "A Story About Us" | 15 June 2018 |
| Anything is a piñata if you hit it hard enough. | ||
| 131 | "Brought to You by Kellogg’s" | 1 August 2018 |
| Keep your eye on the ball. Keep your lungs on the court. Leave your stomach in the locker room. | ||
| 132 | "Bedtime Story" | 15 August 2018 |
| Live every moment as if it were just one of the two and a half billion moments you have in your life. Seriously, pace yourself. | ||
| 133 | "Are You Sure?" (Earl version) | 1 September 2018 |
| This one weird trick doesn’t seem to have any real purpose. But maybe give it a try anyway. | ||
| 133 | "Are You Sure?" (Leann version) | 1 September 2018 |
| True change starts with the person in the mirror. He’s standing far behind you, barely visible. He’s really going to change things. | ||
| 133 | "Are You Sure?" (Telly version) | 1 September 2018 |
| How do I love thee? Let me tally up all the points I’ve assigned to your personal value with respect to my needs. | ||
| 134 | "Fall Football Preview" | 15 September 2018 |
| Dress for the job you want, sports team mascot, Not the job you have, customer service manager. | ||
| 135 | "The Mudstone Abyss Part 1" | 1 October 2018 |
| On second thought, a million dollars is cool. Finger guns to you, million dollars! | ||
| 136 | "The Mudstone Abyss Part 2" | 15 October 2018 |
| Girl, did you fall from heaven? 'Cause there's a giant crater where you landed and radiation levels are spiking. | ||
| 137 | "The Mudstone Abyss Part 3" | 1 November 2018 |
| Kangaroos are deer, abbreviated. | ||
| 138 | "Harvest Time" | 15 November 2018 |
| If you circle the letters in the Bible just right, you get the phrase "lightly dressed kale." Still don't know what that means, but it's direct from God. | ||
| 139 | "The Birthday of Lee Marvin" | 1 December 2018 |
| Every example of irony in the song "Ironic" is completely correct, because that song single-handedly changed the common parlance definition of irony. | ||
| 140 | "A Blood Stone Carol" | 15 December 2018 |
| The universe contains, among other things, black holes, vast clouds of gas and light, a planet made of diamond, and your tiny body. | ||
| 141 | "Save Dark Owl Records" | 1 February 2019 |
| A good way to tell if an artistic idea is worthwhile is to remember that the most successful video game of all time is "a plumber steps on turtles." So, who knows. | ||
| 142 | "UFO Sighting Reports" | 15 February 2019 |
| In Europe, instead of cell phone, they say mobile. Instead of arugula, they say rocket. Instead of letting you die because of lack of health insurance, they take care of you when you're sick. It's a weird place. | ||
| 143 | "Pioneer Days" | 1 March 2019 |
| The leading cause of death is having a body. | ||
| 144 | "The Dreamer" | 15 March 2019 |
| Talk to your kids about the birds and the bees. "Never look directly at birds," you should say to them. "And bees? Don't get me started." | ||
| 145 | "The Veterans" | 1 April 2019 |
| Develop your chi. Really work that chi hard. Get six-pack chi. Totally swole with chi. Roll up those sleeves and welcome people to the chi show. | ||
| 146 | "The Birthday of Lee Marvin" | 15 April 2019 |
| A group of chihuahuas is called a committee. A group of Labradors is called a jumble. A group of golden retrievers is called a butter dish. | ||
| 147 | "The Protester" | 1 May 2019 |
| "Nothing lasts forever" is a phrase with two meanings, and they're both true. | ||
| 148 | "The Broadcaster" | 15 May 2019 |
| Ask your doctor about dogs. Have a long conversation about how good dogs are. Show each other pictures of dogs. | ||
| 149 | "The General" | 1 June 2019 |
| I'm gonna take my horse to the old town road, and then we're gonna go grab drinks and dinner, maybe watch a movie. Girls' night. | ||
| 150 | "The Birthday of Lee Marvin" | 15 June 2019 |
| Technically, the first human being and the first human being in space were the same person. | ||
| 151 | "The Waterfall" | 1 August 2019 |
| All is not lost. Some of it is intentionally hidden. | ||
| 152 | "The Great Golden Hand" | 15 August 2019 |
| The universe contains, among other things, black holes, vast clouds of gas and light, endless void, a diamond planet, and your tiny body. | ||
| 153 | "The Heist, Part 1" | 1 September 2019 |
| Don't go writing metaphors. Please stick to the similes and literal descriptions that you're used to. | ||
| 154 | "The Heist, Part 2" | 15 September 2019 |
| The gum you like is out of style again. | ||
| 155 | "The Heist, Part 3" | 1 October 2019 |
| Wisdom ages like fine wine. Knowledge ages like Boston lettuce. | ||
| 156 | "The Trouble with Time" | 15 October 2019 |
| On one hand, you have skin. On the other hand, you don't- oh man, what happened to that hand?! | ||
| 157 | "The Promise of Time" | 1 November 2019 |
| As Dolly Parton said, "Tumble out of bed, and I stumble to the kitchen. Have to fight an evil magician. Yawn, and stretch, and fight him for my life." Wise words. | ||
| 158 | "The Battle for Time" | 15 November 2019 |
| Every friend group has a joyful chasm. If you do not know who the joyful chasm is, then I have news for you: you are the joyful chasm. | ||
| 159 | "Cat Show" | 1 December 2020 |
| Wanna feel old? Don’t worry, you will. | ||
| 160 | "The Weather" | 15 December 2020 |
| Who called it Snowpiercer instead of Chris Evans’s Polar Express? | ||
| 161 | "The Space Race" | 1 February 2020 |
| Correct placement from right to left: salad fork, soup spoon, salad spoon, bread knife, bowie knife, meat thermometer, entrée fork, and finally, the dessert claws. | ||
| 162 | "Alpha" | 15 February 2020 |
| Love means never having to say you're a werewolf. | ||
| 163 | "Bravo" | 1 March 2020 |
| What if, and hear me out. What if someone made a printer... That worked. Everytime you needed it to work. | ||
| 164 | "The Faceless Old Woman (Live)" | 15 March 2020 |
| Never judge a book by its cover, judge it by the title page instead. | ||
| 165 | "Charlie" | 1 April 2020 |
| The greatest trick the devil ever played was designing hotel lotion dispensers to look exactly like hand soap dispensers. | ||
| 166 | "Delta" | 15 April 2020 |
| People who live in glass houses shouldn't hire that realtor again. | ||
| 167 | "Echo" | 1 May 2020 |
| Did you know the Germans have 31 different words for beer? Well, they don't. That's wrong. You're wrong. | ||
| 168 | "Secret Blotter" | 15 May 2020 |
| Six out of seven dentists have no idea where that seventh one disappeared to. Honest, they all have rock-solid alibis and that blood could've belonged to anyone. | ||
| 169 | "The Whittler" | 1 June 2020 |
| Give a man a fish, and he'll wonder what your deal is. Teach a man to fish, and he'll ask you once again to please leave him alone. | ||
| 170 | "To the Family and Friends" | 15 June 2020 |
| Earth is technically a sandwich where the upper bread is stars, and the lower bread is stars, and the filling is rock and lava and a few incidental humans. | ||
| 171 | "Go to the Mirror?" | 1 August 2020 |
| Call me old fashioned but I believe dance is the only true language. | ||
| 172 | "Return of the Obelisk" | 15 August 2020 |
| Bite your tongue. Fun, right? | ||
| 173 | "The Hundred Year Play" | 1 September 2020 |
| Many are called, but few are chosen. And fewer still pick up, because most calls are spam these days. | ||
| 174 | "Radio Jupiter" | 15 September 2020 |
| Diamonds are girl's best friend. Agate is a girl's worst enemy. Emerald is a work acquaintance who a girl hung out with once and then it just never turned into anything more. | ||
| 175 | "The October Monologues" | 1 October 2020 |
| Listen, it might seem like everything's bad right now... | ||
| 176 | "The Autumn Specter" | 15 October 2020 |
| The road to hell is paved with cobblestone. It's super bumpy. Not at all comfortable, and really bad for your car's suspension. | ||
| 177 | "Bloody Laws, Bloody Claws: The Murder of Frank Chen" | 1 November 2020 |
| If a tiny creature asked me to guess its name in exchange for the return of my child, I would simply immediately and correctly guess Rumpelstiltskin. | ||
| 178 | "Rattlesnake Rest" | 15 November 2020 |
| Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Go for the legs. It’ll throw them off-balance. | ||
| 179 | "First Snow" | 1 December 2020 |
| Ten years ago on this very date, a very important person was born. I don't know their name or anything about them, but sure, lots of people are born every day and some of them end up important. | ||
| 180 | "U-View" | 15 December 2020 |
| Success is 1% inspiration, 3% perspiration, and the rest is made up of corn. | ||
| 181 | "C****s" | 1 February 2021 |
| So, sometimes you write an episode in early December and then it turns out that the episode reflects a number of January news stories in ways that you could not have intended because they didn't exist. But, it's just that we all live in Night Vale now. | ||
| 182 | "It Sticks With You" | 15 February 2021 |
| Laughter is the best medicine, except in cases where you’re actually suffering from a medical condition or disease. For real, though, you need drugs for that. | ||
| 183 | "The Nephilim" | 1 March 2021 |
| I couldn't care less what gender a baby eventually turns out to be, but it is very important to me that it ends up goth. | ||
| 184 | "The Fog" | 15 March 2021 |
| It takes a village. Who knows what it will take next? Be safe. | ||
| 185 | "Fair" | 1 April 2021 |
| Always tip your dentist. A standard gratuity is 10% of your remaining teeth. | ||
| 186 | "The Many Lives of Frank Chen" | 15 April 2021 |
| If at first you don't succeed, cry cry again. | ||
| 187 | "Citizen Spotlight: The Spire" | 1 May 2021 |
| Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. What is wrong with you? Why are you like this? | ||
| 188 | "Listener Questions" | 15 May 2021 |
| There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but then, there is also a light at the end of an anglerfish's tendril. | ||
| 189 | "Megan Wallaby Is Missing" | 1 June 2021 |
| Technically, a tomato is a fruit because it contains teeth and pulsates when sung to. | ||
| 190 | "Listeners" | 15 June 2021 |
| Hope for the best. Prepare for the best, too. It’s going to be great. What could go wrong? | ||
| 191 | "The Many, Many Lives of Frank Chen" | 1 August 2021 |
| Laughter is not even in the top five best medicines. | ||
| 192 | "It Doesn't Hold Up" | 15 August 2021 |
| Stop and become the flowers. | ||
| 193 | "Team Having Fun" | 1 September 2021 |
| Be careful what you wish for because your wish might not come true, and then you'll be sad. | ||
| 194 | "The Nearly Infinite Lives of Frank Chen" | 15 September 2021 |
| Quoth the raven: nah! | ||
| 195 | "Silas the Thief, Part 1" | 1 October 2021 |
| True change starts with the person in the mirror. He's standing far behind you, barely visible. He's really going to change things. | ||
| 196 | "Silas the Thief, Part 2" | 15 October 2021 |
| Ask your doctor about updog. | ||
| 197 | "The Life of Frank Chen" | 1 November 2021 |
| Whistle while you work, hum while you hoard, sing while you sacrifice. | ||
| 198 | "Them Woods Are a Maze" | 15 November 2021 |
| Ask your doctor about *their* health. It's always you, you, you. Conversation is a two-way street. | ||
| 199 | "Guidelines for Retrieval" | 1 December 2021 |
| Sick beat, dude. Absolutely diseased beat, bro. That beat is a plague that will devour the Earth. None shall remain. (Whispering) None shall remain. | ||
| 200 | "Susan Willman Comes Clean" | 15 December 2021 |
| It turns out the lonliest number is actually 331. No one knows why. (whispers) But it's true. | ||
| 201 | "The Delivery Man" | 1 February 2022 |
| Let those without sin lighten up. Maybe do a crime. Or say a swear. Mix it up, people. Have a little fun. | ||
| 202 | "The Day After the Day" | 15 February 2022 |
| All dogs go to heaven. Even dogs who have done a murder. There are so many murder dogs in heaven. | ||
| 203 | "The Kareem Nazari Show" | 1 March 2022 |
| Sun's out, guns out. Moon's out, spoons out. Stars out, lars out. Hi Lars. | ||
| 204 | "Audition" | 15 March 2022 |
| Ugh. I'm over the moon. | ||
| 205 | "The Moon Is Gone" | 1 April 2022 |
| Look up the video of the guy who voices Mario explaining how he auditioned for the job. It's delightful. Okay, y'all have fun out there. | ||
| 206 | "The Great Librarian of the Western Sands" | 15 April 2022 |
| Step on a crack, break your mother's back...is I guess how the body works. I don't know. I didn't go to medical school. | ||
| 207 | "LOST: CAT" | 1 May 2022 |
| As Franklin Roosevelt once said: “The only thing we have to fear is goblins. What’s with all these goblins?” | ||
| 208 | "Cecil in The Big City" | 15 May 2022 |
| Put your money where your mouth is. Right there. Near the bottom of your face. Put your money in there. Eat it. Eat your money. | ||
| 209 | "The Black Coat" | 1 June 2022 |
| I think it’s kind of selfish, that you’ve only been flossing your own teeth. | ||
| 210 | "Ten Years Later" | 15 June 2022 |
| Hey, *thankful tone of 10 years of support* thanks. | ||
| 211 | "Howl" | 1 August 2022 |
| It turns out you don’t have to wait until Halloween, any night of the year you can knock on a stranger’s door and demand a treat under the threat of a trick. | ||
| 212 | "The Campus" | 15 August 2022 |
| He who laughs last, laughs latest. Let’s try to be a little more timely with those laughs bud. | ||
| 213 | "Murals" | 1 September 2022 |
| For the last time, a hot dog is a taco, Rice Krispies® are congee, mashed potatoes are a bisque, a lemon is a water balloon, and bourbon is corn kombucha. | ||
| 214 | "The Comet's Tail" | 15 September 2022 |
| Give a man a fish and he’ll be like, “gross, get that fish away from me!” Teach a man to fish, and he’ll be like, “you?” “Again?” “What’s your deal?” | ||
| 215 | "Sarah Sultan, Explained" | 1 October 2022 |
| This one is a Mad Libs. So, think of a plural noun, a verb, and an animal. Ready? And here it is, I thought of three words and they are ‘blank’, ‘blank’, and ‘blank’. Thank you for your attention. | ||
| 216 | "The Ball Is Where the Win Is" | 15 October 2022 |
| Oh yeah, I love reading fantasy. That’s what we call looking at Zillow now, right? | ||
| 217 | "Salmon Burger" | 1 November 2022 |
| The question is not WHO’s a good boy? The question is WHAT’s a good boy? Ask yourself THAT, smart guy. | ||
| 218 | "The Sitter Cancelled" | 15 November 2022 |
| Give a man a fish. He could eat for a whole day on that, wow. | ||
| 219 | "The Traveling Tarot Reader" | 1 December 2022 |
| You break it, you bought it. That’s the only way to purchase, we don’t except cash in this store. | ||
| 220 | "A Radio Jupiter Holiday Special" | 15 December 2022 |
| Can you believe it's almost already 2021? Wait, I'm being handed a note. I'm sorry whaaaaat? | ||
| 221 | "The Glow Cloud, Explained" | 1 February 2023 |
| "Love it or list it" is a false dichotomy. There are other things you could do. Sing to it, flirt with it, sabotage it, just knock it down and leave your life and everything in it behind. So many choices! | ||
| 222 | "Makarov the Magical" | 15 February 2023 |
| A cursed amulet saved is a cursed amulet earned. | ||
| 223 | "Big Rico's Pizza Band" | 1 March 2023 |
| He who laughs last, laughs latest. | ||
| 224 | "Liminal Spaces" | 15 March 2023 |
| That sure was an Academy Awards, huh? Some movies won, but also, some movies lost. And not everyone agrees - wild! | ||
| 225 | "Renegotiations" | 1 April 2023 |
| Call me old-fashioned, but I believe the universe was better when it was a dense, single point. | ||
| 226 | "Creditors" | 15 April 2023 |
| Love is a many-legged thing, with human skin and no eyes. | ||
| 227 | "A Word with Dr. Jones" | 1 May 2023 |
| A bird in the hand is worth anywhere between no and 10,000 dollars depending on the bird. You can't just go around grabbing birds without knowing their value. | ||
| 228 | "Diplomacy" | 15 May 2023 |
| Revenge is a dish best served cold. A grilled cheese is a dish best served hot. Unless it's a revenge grilled cheese, in which case that should be cold. | ||
| 229 | "The Accused" | 1 June 2023 |
| Take a hike! That's right - get outta here! Why don't you go fly a kite! Go play in the street! It's a beautiful day and you deserve to be outside. | ||
| 230 | "Carlos, Explained" | 15 June 2023 |
| May you be forever young. Like, pre-potty training. I'm cursing you to an eternity of not getting how a toilet works. Good luck! | ||
| 231 | "The Terminal" | 1 August 2023 |
| Make him an offer he can't refuse. Like a really good offer - he's a really nice guy! | ||
| 232 | "A Car Crash on Buellton Avenue" | 15 August 2023 |
| Don't judge anyone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Until you've stolen their shoes, and have gotten a clean 1 mile away. Don't judge them. | ||
| 233 | "Citizen Spotlight: The Vampire of Lombardi Street" | 1 September 2023 |
| Ask your doctor about *their* health. It's always you, you, you. Conversation is a two-way street, bud. | ||
| 234 | "The Boy" | 15 September 2023 |
| Forget old sayings, they're old! Give me new sayings. The latest sentences. Phrases no one has ever heard before. Language that makes no kind of sense yet, at all. | ||
| 235 | "Book Club" | 1 October 2023 |
| Dance like no one is watching. Just pretend you are completely invisible. Maybe do a heist too! See what you can get away with. | ||
| 236 | "Truck Touchers" | 15 October 2023 |
| You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because this episode of Frasier is hilarious! | ||
| 237 | "Frown Night" | 31 October 2023 |
| It turns out you don’t have to wait until Halloween, any night of the year you can knock on a stranger’s door and demand a treat under the threat of a trick. They just won't react well *at all*. | ||
| 238 | "The Big Dig" | 15 November 2023 |
| Winning isn't everything. There's also losing. But even more than that, there are: eggs, fuel injectors, three-piece suits, the state of Georgia, Bon Jovi, diet Pepsi, dish soap, windows, air, German sausages, Polish sausages, Golden Retrievers, other dogs, backpack straps, history textbooks, passwords, curtain rods, white cheddar popcorn, guitar amps, throw pillows... | ||
| 239 | "Sister Cities: Vermillion Falls" | 1 December 2023 |
| Do you ever look up at the stars - the infinite stretch of our curious universe - and think: "Oh man, that thing I said at that one party when I was 19 was so embarrassing!" | ||
| 240 | "He Is Holding a Knife" | 15 December 2023 |
| Before you judge someone, walk a mile. It doesn't actually matter whos shoes you are in, the walk just clears your head so you can feel nice and calm while you judge them... harshly. | ||
| Show No. | Title | Release Date |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | "Condos" | 25 September 2013 |
|
25 September 2013 - Please keep all arms and legs inside the car at all times. Also, you are under arrest. Why is your car full of limbs? Whose are these? 18 December 2013 - All tattoos are temporary tattoos. | ||
| 2 | "The Debate" | 10 October 2013 |
| Don't judge a book by its cover... By its leather cover... By its human skin-looking cover... Don't ever judge that book. | ||
| 3 | "Thrilling Adventure Hour & Welcome to Night Vale Crossover" | 1 October 2014 |
| No proverb for this show | ||
| 4 | "The Librarian" | 1 March 2015 |
| To quote the great Herman Melville: "Call me" | ||