|Episode/ Title||Introduction Quote||Proverb|
|Episode 1: Pilot||A friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep. Welcome to Night Vale.||Look to the north. Keep looking. There’s nothing coming from the south.|
|Episode 2: Glow Cloud||The desert seems vast, even endless. And yet, scientists tell us that somewhere, even now, there is snow. Welcome to Night Vale.||Men are from Mars; women are from Venus; Earth is a hallucination; podcasts are dreams.|
|Episode 3: Station Management||The Arctic is lit by the midnight sun. The surface of the moon is lit by the face of the Earth. Our little town is lit too, by lights just above that we cannot explain. Welcome to Night Vale.||There’s a special place in Hell. It’s really hip. Very exclusive.|
|Episode 4: PTA Meeting||The sun has grown so very, very old. How long, cold, fading death? How long? Welcome to Night Vale.||What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening? I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help.|
|Episode 5: The Shape in Grove Park||Close your eyes. Let my words wash over you. You are safe now. Welcome to Night Vale.||A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A basilisk.|
|Episode 6: The Drawbridge||Rabbits are not what they seem to be. Welcome to Night Vale.||Lost? Confused? Lacking direction? Need to find a purpose in your life?|
|Episode 7: History Week||It is almost complete. It is almost complete at last. Welcome to Night Vale.||It must be 3:23 PM somewhere. Maybe space?|
|Episode 8: The Lights in Radon Canyon||Silence is golden. Words are vibrations. Thoughts are magic. Welcome to Night Vale.||We are living in an immaterial world, a ghost world, and I am an immaterial girl - a ghost.|
|Episode 9: Pyramid||Weird at last! Weird at last! God Almighty, weird at last! Welcome to Night Vale.||"Nice bolo tie" is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive.|
|Episode 10: Feral Dogs||Regret nothing. Until it is too late. Then, regret everything. Welcome to Night Vale.||Eating meat is a difficult moral decision, because it's stolen, that meat. You should apologize.|
|Episode 11: Wheat and Wheat By-products||Today's air quality is mauve and speckled. Welcome to Night Vale.||Today is the last day of your life up to this point.|
|Episode 12: The Candidate||The policeman in that intersection is not directing traffic. He's coding an urgent message to all of us. Welcome to Night Vale.||Does the carpet match the drapes? No. It doesn't. You're the worst interior decorator. Please leave my home.|
|Episode 13: A Story about You||This is a story about you," said the man on the radio, and you were pleased, because you always wanted to hear about yourself on the radio. Welcome to Night Vale.||I'd never join a "Pen 15 club" that would allow a person like me to become a member.|
|Episode 14: The Man in the Tan Jacket||Look to the obelisk. We don't know where it came from, but it's attracting a lot of cats. Welcome to Night Vale.||Biologically speaking, we are all people, made up of smaller people.|
|Episode 15: Street Cleaning Day||Bananas are hardly that slippery. But watch your step anyway. Welcome to Night Vale.||One incorporeal being said to the other, "I'm not here, too, make friends."|
|Episode 16: The Phone Call||Your existence is not impossible. But it's also not very likely. Welcome to Night Vale.||If I said you had a beautiful body, would it even matter because we are so insignificant in this vast, incomprehensible universe?|
|Episode 17: Valentine||Trust everyone. Welcome to Night Vale.||Werner Herzog is the most interesting person.|
|Episode 18: The Traveler||The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. It is only the truth-seeker who wonders, 'Why is the glass there? Why is there water all over the floor? Why is it covering every other surface of the house? Who -- or what -- is doing this to us?' Welcome to Night Vale.||Find more ways to work "plinth" into daily conversation.|
|Episode 19A: The Sandstorm||Blinking red light in the night sky. The future is changing, but it's hard to tell. Welcome to Night Vale.||Step 1: Write down the names of everyone you know. Step 2: Rearrange the letters. Step 3: This will reveal a great secret of time.|
|Episode 19B: The Sandstorm||The future is what you make of it. Just know that your supplies are limited. Welcome to Desert Bluffs.||Step 1: Separate your lips. Step 2: Use facial muscles to pull back corners of mouth. Step 3: Widen your eyes. This is how to be happy. :)|
|Episode 20: Poetry Week||
"You'll be safe here," says a whisper behind you. Welcome to Night Vale.
|Pain is just weakness leaving the body. And then being replaced by pain. Lots of pain.|
Episode 21: A Memory of Europe
|Hang a map of a place you'll never go on your living room wall. Draw new streets. Tear off bodies of water. Wait for news crews to arrive. Welcome to Night Vale.||Ask your doctor if right is left for you.|
|Episode 22: The Whispering Forest||There is a thin semantic line separating weird and beautiful. And that line is covered in jellyfish. Welcome to Night Vale.||If you love someone, set them free. Set them free now. This is the police, and we have you surrounded.|
|Episode 23: Eternal Scouts||We report only the real, the semi-real, and the verifiably unreal. Welcome to Night Vale.||Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys. Show them pictures of cows when they're young, and administer brief electrical shocks.|
|Episode 24: The Mayor||The sun has risen. You are awake. This symmetry is not without meaning. Welcome to Night Vale.||The most dangerous game is man. The most entertaining game is Broadway puppy-ball. The most weird game is esoteric bear.|
|Episode 25: One Year Later||A friendly desert community, where the sun is still hot, the moon still beautiful, and mysterious lights still pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep. Welcome to Night Vale.||Fun game: Say "toy boat" over and over. Do it for the rest of your life. Retreat from society, and live on alms. Whisper, "toy boat," as you die.|
|Episode 26: Faceless Old Woman||Trumpets playing soft jazz from out of the dark desert distance. They come tomorrow. It is too late for us. Welcome to Night Vale.||The human soul weighs 21 grams, smells like grilled vegetables, looks like a wrinkled tartan quilt, and sounds like bridge traffic.|
|Episode 27: First Date||
Mountains. Endless mountains. Peak after barren peak. And what lies, restless, in the shadowed valleys? I cannot say. I cannot say. Welcome to Night Vale.
|"Production oversight by Torey Malatia, who is holding a small locket. He is not speaking, he'd just like for you to touch the locket. His hand is twisted, his skin is forming into scales. Just touch it once. Just once, okay?"|
|Episode 28: Summer Reading Program||Does it even matter how many living things you touched today? Or where they all are now? Welcome to Night Vale.||"A bar walks into a bar. The bartender is a snake eating its own tail. The windows look out only onto the face of the one who looks."|
|Episode 29: Subway||Our black suns move erratically like drunken bees, and each of them stings. Now more than ever we are full of blood and honey. Welcome to Night Vale.||Your body is a temple. A temple of blood rituals and pagan tributes, a lost temple, a temple that needs more calcium. You should maybe try vitamin supplements.|
|Episode 30: Dana||It takes heart. It takes guts. It also takes cash. It just needs your payment immediately. Welcome to Night Vale.||Look to the sky. You will not find answers there, but you will certainly see what everyone is screaming about.|
|Episode 31: A Blinking Light up on the Mountain||Our god is an awesome god. Much better than that ridiculous god that Desert Bluffs has.||Throw your hands in the air. Now your arms. Keep detaching limbs and throwing them in the air. Hopefully, the birds will be sated and leave.|
|Episode 32: Yellow Helicopters||A lonely heart, a wandering eye, an empty stomach, a shoulder to cry on - this is what makes us, us. Welcome to Night Vale.||Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never quite describe the pain.|
|Episode 33: Cassette||Perhaps you noticed something strange yesterday. And perhaps you have forgotten it. Welcome to Night Vale.||You can lead a horse to water, and you can lead a horse into water, and you can swim around with the horse and have fun.|
|Episode 34: A Beautiful Dream||Life is like a box of chocolates; Unopened. Dusty. And beginning to attract a lot of insects. Welcome to Night Vale.||Thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. We're not accepting applications at this time. Please try again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again...|
|Episode 35: Lazy Day||No one has seen the trees this week. Hopefully they'll come back soon. Welcome to Night Vale.||On this day in history: mundanity, and terror, and food, and love, and trees.|
|Episode 36: Missing||Red sky at night. Sailors delight. Red sky at night. The sailors are howling and laughing. The sailors begin to surround us and the night sky is so very red. Welcome to Night Vale.||Look. Up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. No. It's just the void. Infinite and indifferent. We're so small. So very very small.|
|Episode 37: The Auction||Velvet darkness. Silken light. The rough burlap of evening. The frayed cotton of daybreak. Welcome to Night Vale.||Listen. I'm not a hero. The real heroes are the people that point out to us when protesters have smartphones, thus invalidating all concerns.|
|Episode 38: Orange Grove||You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both, and there you have spiders crawling out of a red velvet cupcake. Welcome to Night Vale.||
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single command from a satellite-activated mind control chip.
|Episode 39: The Woman from Italy||Flying is actually the safest mode of transportation. The second safest is dreaming. The third safest is decomposing into rich earth and drifting away with the wind and rain. Welcome to Night Vale.||Your Bitcoin address is your middle name, followed by the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.|
|Episode 40: The Deft Bowman||The riddle says: “He walks on four legs in the morning. He walks on two legs at midday. And at night, he slithers from dream to dream effortlessly, like the air we breathe. And we love him.” Welcome to Night Vale.||You can’t get blood from a turnip. Listen, you need some blood? I can totally get you some blood. Set that turnip down and follow me to the blood. There’s a lot of blood.|
|Episode 41: WALK||At a loss for words? Here's a few you can use: Welcome to Night Vale.||Please move your brain so we can get to the drugs. And stop leaving it there. We've talked about this.|
|Episode 42: Numbers||I sing the body electric. I gasp the body organic. I miss the body remembered. Welcome to Night Vale.||Ignore all the haters telling you that everything isn't a sandwich. Everything is a sandwich.|
|Episode 43: Visitor||Listen to your heart. You can hear it deep under the earth. Creaking and heaving. With roots snapping and birds flapping quickly away. Welcome to Night Vale.||You won't sleep when you're dead, either.|
|Episode 44: Cookies||All that glitters is not gold. Particularly that thing over there. That's maybe a giant insect of some sort. It's really too dark to tell. Welcome to Night Vale.||At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire.|
|Episode 45: A Story about Them||This is a story about them, says the man on the radio, and you are concerned, because this is not a story you were ever supposed to hear.||Knock knock.
Orange you glad I didn't say your mother's in the hospital. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Listen. I'll drive you over there. We'll leave right now. Grab a coat; it's a little cold out. I'm so sorry.
|Episode 46: Parade Day||Just act natural. Just act like all of nature. Just act like the entire cycle of life and death and change and rebirth. Welcome to Night Vale.||If you love something, set it free. If it starts flying around and chirping, it was probably a bird.|
|Episode 47: Company Picnic||Snow is falling somewhere. Many things are falling, or will fall, or have fallen, but temporary triumph is still triumph. Welcome to the Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area.||There's a difference between you're, your, and yarn. Yarn isn't even pronounced the same way. It's a completely different word.|
|Episode 48: Renovations||True beauty is on the inside, where everything is red and glistening and full of practical organs and sharp rocks. Welcome to the Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area.||Feeling lost? Like you have no goal in life? Like you're covered in dirt and wet leaves? Like you're an earthworm? Are you an earthworm? Kinda sounds like you're an earthworm, actually.|
|Episode 49: Old Oak Doors||The sun is bright, the moon is irrelevant and we are light and light and light and light. We're light.
Think back, look forward, listen timelessly. Welcome to Night Vale.
|Wonderwall is the only '90s song visible from space.|
|Episode 50: Capital Campaign||Home is where the heart is. We found it one day in the sink. It hums things late at night, but they are not songs. Welcome to Night Vale.||Soccer is also commonly known as football, Canadian baseball, American football, violent jogging and World War II.|
|Episode 51: Rumbling||Look. Up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's a cloud! It's a moon?! Also, some stars. There are so many things in the sky. Welcome to Night Vale.||Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Except ostriches. What the hell, man?|
|Episode 52: The Retirement of Pamela Winchell||Now is your chance. Well, that was it. It's over. Did you do it? Have you achieved what you wanted? No? Oh well. Welcome to Night Vale.
||Most people think pit bulls are dangerous dogs, but, biologically speaking, most pit bulls are just three shih tzus wearing a trenchcoat.|
|Episode 53: The September Monologues||The wind out of the desert is changing. I feel it; you feel it. A shiver in the midday heat. A crackle in the television broadcast. A shift in your immune system. It is September, and something is different. It is September, and the days have gone sinister – from first eye’s open to last slow breathing. It is September, and so, listeners – dear listeners – Night Vale Public Radio is proud to introduce The September Monologues.||(static)|
|Episode 54: A Carnival Comes to Town||The secret to a long life lies in how acutely you perceive time. Welcome to Night Vale.||Say what you will about dance, but language is a limited form of expression.|
|Episode 55: The University of What It Is||Let me be brief. Let us all be brief. Let us briefly be. Welcome to Night Vale.||Language will evolve irregardless of your attempt to literally lock it away in a secluded tower, obvs.|
|Episode 56: Homecoming||It is autumn, and nature is vanishing. It is autumn, and nature is beautiful. Welcome to Night Vale.||I’ve got more rhymes than the Bible’s got Psalms. 151. I’ve got 151 rhymes.|
|Episode 57: The List||Breathe deep. Deeper than that. Get far below sea level and breathe. Breathe in a cave. Breathe in a deeper cave. Breathe deeper and deeper until you can’t find your way back. Welcome to Night Vale.||Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Also beware of gifts of Greek bears. Gifted and bare Greeks are totally OK.|
|Episode 58: Monolith||If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions. Welcome to Night Vale.||It’s not the size of the dog in the fight. It’s the size of the other dog in the fight.|
|Episode 59: Antiques||It’s not darkest before the dawn. It’s actually darkest after all the stars have gone out. It’s very dark then. Welcome to Night Vale.||If you want a picture of the future, imagine a person writing headlines about millennials forever.|
|Episode 60: Water Failure||See some evil, hear some evil, speak some evil. Welcome to Night Vale.||The reason we say “bless you” after someone sneezes is because we know they will die someday.|
|Episode 61: BRINY DEPTHS||There’s nothing under your bed. Nothing in your closet. Nothing waiting in the hall. You are surrounded by nothing. You cannot escape it. Welcome to Night Vale||I let my haters be my motivators. Mostly they tell me I suck, and then I get sad. This was a terrible idea.|
|Episode 62: Hatchets||Dare to dream. Do it. We dare you. Go ahead, dream. It’ll be fine. We promise. Welcome to Night Vale||Ask your doctor, just who he thinks he is. Say it just like that. Say, "Who do you think you are?" See if he starts crying. I know I would.|
|Episode 63: There is No Part 1: Part 2||There is no Part 1. This is Part 2. Welcome to Night Vale||History is written by the victors. And then forgotten by the victors. And then the victors die too.|
|Episode 64: WE MUST GIVE PRAISE||Don’t judge a book by its cover. Judge it by the harmful messages it contains. Welcome to Night Vale.||Don’t bring a gun to a knife fight. Don’t bring a knife to a knife fight, either. Stop going to knife fights altogether. What’s your deal with knife fights?|
|Episode 65: Voicemail||You have reached the voicemail of Cecil Gershwin Palmer. That might seem like an easy thing to do, but think about how long you had to stay alive just to learn how a phone works and who I am. Congratulate yourself on that. Give yourself a vigorous pat on the back, and…don’t forget to leave a message after the heavily distorted sample of a man saying “I just couldn’t eat another bite.”
I just couldn't eat another bite.
Hey friend, we haven't spoken in a while, not since all that unpleasantness happened. I hope everything has been super pleasant since then. Oh! But hey, I've been working on something I'd like to show you. I think you'll be just jazzed about it. Get back to me ASAP, okay? until next time Cecil, until next time.
|Episode 66: worms…||We all lie dreamily upon damp earth, spotting clouds shaped like animals we have yet to invent. Welcome to Night Vale.|
When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true, but because of distance, not for millions of years.
|Episode 67: [Best of?]||The sun is actually cold! It's cold and empty, and all is lost. Greetings from Night Vale!||"I'm all business," I say, peeling off my skin strip by strip, showing you what oozes out. Business to my core.|
|Episode 68: Faceless Old Women||Get the body you’ve always wanted. We know where it’s buried, and can lend you a shovel. Welcome to Night Vale.||Don't be afraid of the dark. Be afraid of all of the terrible things hiding there, and the terrible things they will do.|
|Episode 69: Fashion Week||But don’t you see? You never needed anything else. The weird was within you the whole time. Welcome to Night Vale||Dress your dog for the job you want, not the job you have.|
|Episode 70: Taking Off||We all have to start somewhere. We all have to end somewhere, too, but let’s concentrate on the other thing. Welcome to Night Vale.||A rose by any other name is called something else.|
|Episode 71: Review||If you love something, set it free. If it doesn’t come back, it probably died of sadness because it thought you loved it. Welcome to Night Vale.||You say potato, I say potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Yes, this is very good. Let’s keep going. Potato. Potato. Potato.|
|Episode 72: The Registry of Middle School Crushes||I trip the light fantastic, and then I offer to help it up. And when the light fantastic is halfway up, I let go, and it falls again. Me and the light fantastic do not get along at all. Welcome to Night Vale.||I had a dream in which cow-sized pugs existed. I was on a train, and one loped along outside my window. I’m sorry your dreams aren’t as good.|
|Episode 73: Well of Night||Kill it with kindness. And if that fails, kill it with sharp sticks or knives. Welcome to Night Vale.||When someone says “I’m a dog person,” I always reply, “Yeah? Well, I’m a lizard person.” And then I peel off my face.|
|Episode 74: Tryptich||What’s past is prologue; what’s future is epilogue. This, right here, is maybe Chapter Four or Five. Welcome to Night Vale.||Candles lit, runes drawn upon the floor, sacrifice prepared. Everything is ready for the summoning. I begin the incantation: "Shakira, Shakira!"|
|Episode 75: Civic Changes||Remember that you are a beautiful person. You’re a weird-looking tree, but you’re a beautiful person. Welcome to Night Vale.||The word "motel" is an amalgam of the words "hotel" and "murder".|
|Episode 76: Through the Narrow Place||Today’s proverb: The word "motel" is an amalgam of the words "hotel" and "murder". Welcome to Night Vale.||Drake would like to add you to his professional network on LinkedIn.|
|Episode 77: An Epilogue||In just a few days, the whole story will be known. This is what happens after. Welcome to Night Vale.||"Late capitalism” is such a sweetly optimistic phrase.|
|Episode 78: A Stranger||When a window closes, so does a door. So do all the other doors and windows. The house is alive, and it doesn’t know you, and it is scared. Welcome to Night Vale||I’m a single issue voter. If the candidate is not a baby polar bear, I straight up cannot support them.|
|Episode 78: Cooking Stuff: Thanksgiving special||Cook a feast no family could fully eat, recite prayers no family could fully believe, and acknowledge a frightful history no family could fully comprehend. Welcome to Night Vale.||If a car flashes its brights at you, it’s probably a gang. And if you flash your brights back, the gang gives you cake. It’s a cake gang.|
|Episode 79: Lost in the Mail||We brought something back with us, something we cannot escape: memories of a great vacation to deepest space! And the merciless Distant Prince. Welcome to Night Vale.||Ever wondered how a plane flies? Well, the answer is that no one knows. Pilots are scared to ask. If we ask, maybe it'll stop working.|
|Episode 80: A New Sheriff in Town||I fought the law, and the law won. I ignored the law, and the law won. I abided by the law, and the law won. Welcome to Night Vale.||There are hot singles in your area, and they all died exactly 20 years ago, on a night just like tonight.|
|Episode 81: After 3327||To err is human, but to err is also computer. We'll have to find another test to reveal which of us are secretly bots. Welcome to Night Vale.||You know what would be great? If someone made a movie showing Spiderman's origin story. I'd love to finally see that on the big screen.|
|Episode 82: Skating Rink||If you're happy, and you know it, then the chemtrails are finally working. Welcome to Night Vale||Be careful what you wish for, because it probably won't come true, and life is mostly about expectation management.|
|Episode 83: One Normal Town||Breathe in. Breath out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Welcome to Night Vale||Actually, it's Property's Brother.|
|Episode 84: Past Time||Dress for success. Put on your tall hat, and rubber gloves, and long grey coat. Success requires this specific outfit. Welcome to Night Vale.||Dance like the government is watching.|
|Episode 85: The April Monologues||Once again, the turning of the seasons, nearly imperceptible here, a shading of the desert heat, but we feel the change, in the thrumms of our bodies, in the texture of the sand. There is rain, once in awhile. If not here, than somewhere else, surely. Wild spring has stepped in for her stolid winter sister. It is April, and something is different. It is April, and the days have depth, and vibrance. It is April and so, dear listeners, Night Vale Community Radio is pleased to present The April Monologues.||Put your (static) in, take your (static) out, Put your (static) in, and (static) All about.|
|Episode 86: Standing and Breathing||I believe the children are our future. They are also our past, and our present. This is how children work in linear time. Welcome to Night Vale.||Call me old fashioned, but I believe there should be only one continent.|
|Episode 87-The Trial of Hiram McDaniels||Numbers don't lie, but humans using numbers lie all the time. Welcome to Night Vale.||"Them's the brakes, kid," said the most annoying driving instructor ever.|
|Episode 88: Things Fall Apart||City-wide utility failures continue to haunt us, but not as much as the strangers who do not appear to move. Welcome to the Night Vale Public Utilities Phoneline.||Wanna feel old? People born in 2014 have already graduated college, don't know what a trombone is, and are all named after gourds.|
|Episode 89: Who's a Good Boy? Part 1||
Who's a good boy? Who's the good boy? Who is it? Who is it? Welcome to Night Vale.
|Remember to compliment sandwich when critiquing. For example: That's an okay shirt you have on. Everything you wrote was bad. You're wearing a shirt.|
|Episode 90: Who's a Good Boy? Part 2||You wanna go outside? Outside? You wanna go outside? You do? You do? I bet you want to go outside. I bet you do. Welcome to Night Vale.||You can tell a lot about someone by coming into our office and confessing everything you know about them.|
|Episode 91: The 12:37||Do not bite the hand that feeds you. Grab it first. Take the keys. Set yourself free. Then bite the hand, and run. Welcome to Night Vale.||Here is the church. Here is the steeple. Open it up, and see all the people screaming about the giant that just tore their roof open.|
|Episode 92: If He Had Lived||Which came first? The chicken, the egg, or airplanes? Welcome to Night Vale.||Writing rules: One, write a lot. Two, read a lot. Three, if someone tells you not to use adverbs or some other Elmore Leonard thing, swiftly kick them.|
|Episode 93: Big Sister||Find it in your heart. You'll need to break past the ribs and then scoop it out, but it's in there, and you need to find it. Quickly. Welcome to Night Vale.||Drive it like you stole it, but you stole it because you really loved it and you would not like to see it damaged. Basically, drive carefully.|
|Episode 94: All Right||It’s all right. All right. Allll right. Allllllll right.
Welcome to Night Vale.
|This is Doritos’ world. We just live in it.|
|Episode 95: Zookeeper||
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a cursed talisman must be in want of a hex reversal. Welcome to Night Vale.
|Wanna feel old? People born in 2014 have already graduated college, don't know what a trombone is, and are all named after gourds.|
|Episode 96: Negotiations||You are statistically likely. Welcome to Night Vale.||The children were right. The floor is lava. But they were wrong about the heat resistance of sofa cushions.|
|Episode 97: Josefina||Why do birds appear every time you are near? It's likely they planted a tracking device on you. Welcome to Night Vale.||If there's not a race to get to the dance competition on time, then your screenplay isn't finished.|
|Episode 98: Flight||Those who remember history are also doomed to repeat it. Welcome to Night Vale.||
So there's this commercial, and it's like this-the baby and she's not getting along with the dog she's like a little afraid of the dog and the dog is like a big, beautiful golden retriever and, um, so like the golden retriever really feels sad because he can't be with his family because the baby doesn't like it but so the dad sees that, um, the baby likes the - the, the, um... the stuffed animal that she has which is a lion so the dad goes and orders a lion mane for the dog and then he puts it... he puts it on the dog and then the dog, um, the dog walks in as the lion and the baby loves it and the dog is happy 'cuz it can be part of the family again as a... as a lion.
|Episode 99: Michigan||Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun. It does not stop. Welcome to Night Vale.||A four-star hotel will put mints on your pillow, whereas a five-star hotel will put candy bars in your butt.|
|Episode 100: Toast||I know many of you have a few things you'd like to say. So let me start things off: Welcome to Night Vale||It's always darkest before the dawn, we are often reassured by people who are totally wrong about how the sun works.|
|Episode 101: Guidelines for Disposal||You are swimming distance from a shore you cannot see. If you choose the wrong direction, you will drown. If do not make a decision, you will drown. Welcome to Night Vale.||There's no harm in trying. Really depends on what you're trying. Either way, give it a go. It's probably fine.|
|Episode 102: Love is a Shambling Thing||Look at it from the raindrop's point of view. Welcome to Night Vale.||Live every day like it's your first.|
|Episode 103: Ash Beach||We make money the old-fashioned way. We chemically convert lead into gold. Welcome to Night Vale.||If you're not wearing a denim vest, then this conversation is over.|
|Episode 104: The Hierarchy of Angels||I know you are, but what am I? What am I? What am I. What AM I? Welcome to Night Vale.||A million dollars isn't a sandwich. You know what's a sandwich? A taco.|
|Episode 105: What Happened at the Smithwick House||If you could press a button that would give you a great deal of money, but it would cause someone you don't know in a distant part of the world to die, then you would have a good model for how our current economy works. Welcome to Night Vale.||You are what you eat. That's very confusing phrasing; let me simplify: You consume your own flesh. Much clearer.|
|Episode 106: Filings||Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near? Tell me more about your special bird powers. Welcome to Night Vale.||Good things come to those who wait. Good things come slithering down the unctuous brown stone walls to those who wait alone in the dark pit.|
|Episode 107: The Missing Sky||The best strategy for a labyrinth is to put one hand on a wall and follow that hand until you reach the exit. The second best strategy is screaming. Welcome to Night Vale.||Top of the morning to you. The rest of the day to me. I never said this was fair.|
|Episode 108: Cal||There’s a billboard along the highway that reads: “Everything. Must. Go.” Welcome to Night Vale.||You’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but you’ll catch even more with a corpse of some sort.|
|Episode 109: A Story About Huntokar||This is a story about Huntokar, said a voice on the radio. A voice you had never heard before, though she has been speaking to you your whole life.||Less is more. Simplification is the way to happiness. You are not your things. Anyway, thanks for your wallet, byeee!|
|Episode 110: Matryoshka||I once was lost. But now I’m fine with that. Welcome to Night Vale.||If you only read one book this year, then you have reached your approved book quota.|
|Episode 111: Summer 2017, Night Vale, USA||A friendly dessert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we lay open eyed, watching it all. Welcome to Night Vale.||There is no proof you exist. Only evidence.|
|Episode 112: Citizen Spotlight||If you see something crawling across your floor in the dark, don't worry, its probably just a tarantula. Welcome to Night Vale.||Be yourself, as if you had any choice in the matter.|
|Episode 113: Niecelet||Gooooooood eevening, fine citizens. I’m your late night host this week, here to keep you company after sundownn. Welcome to Night Vale!||Follow your heart; you need it. Where did it ever learn to walk?|
Council Member Flynn, Part 1
|At least their heart’s in the right place, I say, softly running my hand across a plastic takeout container.
Welcome to Night Vale.
|The seven habits of highly effective people are;
Council Member Flynn, Part 2
|Paint a picture. It’ll last longer. Welcome to Night Vale.||Pull this lever. Don't worry, you will never know the result. There will be a result.|
Council Member Flynn, Part 3
|Good hidden recording devices make good neighbors. Welcome to Night Vale.||We are all (an elite few) in this (a secret underground emergency bunker) together (on our own without public knowledge).|
eGemony, part 1: “Canadian Club”
|The suffocation of the ego. The eternal silence of the void. Faceless, yet screaming. And now serving orange wine on tap. Welcome to Night Vale.||People always say "before I die" as if they haven't already begun the process.|
eGemony, part 2: “The Cavelands”
|Time is irrelevant and imaginary. And yet, somehow it seems we are out of it. Welcome to Night Vale.||Why would you wanna think outside the box? The box is steel, and locked, and buried deeply underground. It's so safe here. Why would you want to leave?|
eGemony, part 3: “Love, Among Other Things, Is All You Need”
|The captain has turned off the seatbelt signs, and –has- turned on the ceaseless anxiety signs.
Feel free to brood about the cabin.Welcome to Night Vale.
|For softer bones and a tenuous smile, drink malk. Got mock? It's here. Drink it. ([high-pitched] Drink it.)Drink this muelk. Mmmm. (Garbled noise). ([high-pitched, again] Drink it.)|
All Smile's Eve
|How do I love thee? Let me count your teeth. Happy All Smiles’ Eve, Desert Bluffs!||Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, now you're just being an asshole.|
A Story of Love and Horror, part 1: "Barks"
|The password is “mudwomb”. The username is “mudwomb”. The website is “mudwomb”. Where did the rest of the Internet go? Welcome to Night Vale.||Welcome to 2018. The year we finally do it. The year we eat the sun.|
A Story of Love and Horror, part 2: "Spire"
|Do you hear that sweet melody? That sweet melody on the breeze? No one else hears that sweet melody, That sweet melody on the breeze. Welcome to Night Vale.||I'm going to give you a piece of my mind! It's in this clay jar. Keep it in a cool, dark place, and away from cats.|
A Story of Love and Horror, part 3: "Frances"
|Who was that whistling, whistling in the dark? Was that you, my love, whistling, whistling in the dark? Welcome to Night Vale.||We regret to inform you that this entire podcast series has been viral marketing for Dippin' Dots. We don't think we made that obvious enough and we're panicking a little. Please tell someone to try Dippin' Dots today. We are going to be in so much trouble.|
A Door Ajar, part 1
|Anxiety is just your body's way of telling you something really, really terrible is about to happen. Welcome to Night Vale.||Bite your tongue. Fun, right?|
A Door Ajar, part 2
|When one door closes, another opens. That’s why there are so many raccoons living in your house. Welcome to Night Vale.||I believe in tough love. Also, tough tenderness, tough vulnerability, and a daily session of tough mindfulness meditation.|
A Door Ajar, part 3
|Always keep your eyes closed during a storm. Otherwise your soul will get all wet and mildewy. Welcome to Night Vale.||Pick a company and invest all your money in it. The absolute worst that could happen is that you’ll lose every cent and it would be terrifying and life-changing, so give it a shot.|
A Matter of Blood, part 1
|Sleep like there’s nobody watching. Welcome to Night Vale.||Hey, what’s your sign? Mine’s a stop sign. I stole it from an intersection, and I hold it up every time someone tries to talk to me.|
A Matter of Blood, part 2
|As a matter of fact, the facts don’t matter. Welcome to Night Vale.||Our money back guarantee: when you die, the world gets your money back.|
A Matter of Blood, part 3
|We make our own luck. Which is to say, things randomly happen and we apply our personal ideas about luck to that randomness. Welcome to Night Vale.||My name for the pony I have been planning to get one day has been 'Ponye West', for years, but for obvious reasons I have recently changed it to 'Janelle PoNeigh'. This wasn't written for me by Joseph, these are the actual names I've made up for my dream pony.|
|Episode 130: A Story About Us||This is a story about us, said the man on the radio. And we were pleased, because we always wanted to hear about ourselves on the radio. Welcome to Night Vale.||Anything is a piñata if you hit it hard enough.|
Brought to You by Kellogg's
|Today as all days, as every day of your life, has been brought to you by Kellogg's. Are you worthy? Welcome to Night Vale.||Keep your eye on the ball. Keep your lungs on the court. Leave your stomach in the locker room.|
|This is a bedtime story my mother used to tell me. Welcome to Night Vale.||Live every moment as if it were just one of the two and a half billion moments you have in your life. Seriously, pace yourself.|
|Episode 133: Are You Sure? (Earl Version)||Is this the first time you've heard me say this? Are you sure? Welcome to Night Vale.||This one weird trick doesn’t seem to have any real purpose. But maybe give it a try anyway.|
Are You Sure? (Leann Version)
|Is this the first time you've heard me say this? Are you sure? Welcome to Night Vale.||True change starts with the person in the mirror. He’s standing far behind you, barely visible. He’s really going to change things.|
|Episode 133: Are You Sure? (Telly Version)||Is this the first time you've heard me say this? Are you sure? Welcome to Night Vale.||How do I love thee? Let me tally up all the points I’ve assigned to your personal value with respect to my needs.|
|Episode 134: Fall Football Preview||There is no I in "team", this has been a partial list of letters not found in the word "team". Welcome to Night Vale.||Dress for the job you want (sports team mascot), not the job you have (customer service manager).|
|Episode 135: The Mudstone Abyss Part 1||The phrase beautiful smile is redundant. Welcome to Desert Bluffs.||On second thought, a million dollars is cool. Finger guns to you, million dollars!|
|Episode 136: The Mudstone Abyss Part 2||Age is just a number that counts quickly up to an ending point. Welcome to Desert Bluffs.||Girl, did you fall from heaven? 'Cause there's a giant crater where you landed and radiation levels are spiking.|
|Episode 137: The Mudstone Abyss Part 3||If this had been an actual emergency this signal would have be followed by screaming and chaos. Welcome to Desert Bluffs.||Kangaroos are deer, abbreviated.|
|Episode 138: Harvest Time||Everything old will be new again, except for when it's so old it disintegrates at your touch and scatters into oblivion. Welcome to Night Vale.||If you circle the letters in the Bible just right, you get the phrase "lightly dressed kale." Still don't know what that means, but it's direct from God.|
|Episode 139: The Birthday of Lee Marvin||To err is human, to forgive is also human, the possibilities of human action are multitude. Welcome to Night Vale.||Every example of irony in the song "Ironic" is completely correct, because that song single-handedly changed the common parlance definition of irony.|
|Episode 140: A Blood Stone Carol||It's winter and the weather is freezing, quite appalling. You stay in, aloof, but foot steps yes that's someone creeping, crying, calling a stranger up upon your roof. Welcome to Night Vale.||The universe contains, among other things, black holes, vast clouds of gas and light, a planet made of diamond, and your tiny body.|
|Episode 141: Save Dark Owl Records||The prison of your own mind is undergoing budget cuts. Welcome to Night Vale.||A good way to tell if an artistic idea is worthwhile is to remember that the most successful video game of all time is "a plumber steps on turtles." So, who knows.|
|Episode 142: UFO Sightings Report||As above, so below, as for the middle, well... who knows? Welcome to Night Vale.||In Europe, instead of cell phone, they say mobile. Instead of arugula, they say rocket. Instead of letting you die because of lack of health insurance, they take care of you when you're sick. It's a weird place.|
|Episode 143: Pioneer Days||We are thirsty, we cannot see, we don't know what time it is, we are nearly here. Welcome to Night Vale.||The leading cause of death is having a body.|
|Episode 144: The Dreamer||It's turtles all the way down, but man, it's kittens all the way up. Welcome to Night Vale.||Talk to your kids about the birds and the bees, "never look directly at birds" you should say to them, "and bees... don't get me started."|