The horoscopes are a recurring segment on Cecil Palmer's show on Night Vale Community Radio. While they generally follow the pattern of regular horoscopes, Cecil occasionally uses them for personal attacks or subtle requests. Through this, we have learned some characters' signs.
Similarly macabre horoscopes are sometime shared on the official Night Vale Podcast Twitter account, @NightValeRadio.
|Virgo: Go see a movie today. It’s a great escape! Especially from all this pollution and dangerous UV radiation! Say, is that mole new?
Libra: Your dreams will be filled with prophetic visions. Write them down. Hopefully, there are some lottery numbers or sports scores in there!
Scorpio: Curse you. Curse your family! Curse your children! And your children’s children! Vile, vile Scorpio.
Sagittarius: Eat well today! You’ve earned it! And by “it,” I mean “massive food allergies”! And by “earned,” I mean “acquired”. I should proof this stuff before I read it out loud. Let’s try that again. “You’ve acquired massive food allergies!” Yes, much cleaner. Eat well!
Capricorn: Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning. Best not think about this again…
Aquarius: The white ball will be under the middle shell. Trust the stars. Invest all your money in this lucrative street game.
Pisces: YOU’VE WON A BRAND NEW CAR!
Aries: You will feel a haunting sadness about times gone by. Today’s smell is wheat grass and toast.
Taurus: Today is your annual Crime Day. All Tauruses are exempt from laws today.
Gemini: You will meet someone today who will have no effect on your life, and who you will immediately forget. Retain hope for a possible future.
Cancer: “I’ve gotta pay my phone bill, and also get some more milk.” That wasn’t me talking. That is what the stars say today. Interpret it as you will.
Leo: It’s better that I don’t read this aloud. Better that you not know. Tell your family that you love them.
|Leo: Need a penny, take a penny. Have a penny? Take another penny! Pennies are worthless, but go ahead and take them all. Build a great fortune only to have its great copper weight crush your lifeless pauper body.
Virgo: Don’t shoot the messenger, Virgo! It’s noisy, and will alert others of your crime. Lure the messenger inside. Make sure no one saw him come in. Choose something quieter than a gun. Perhaps suffocation, or an accidental fall. Really plan these things out. Stop being so trigger happy, Virgo!
Libra: Do you believe in ghosts? You don’t? Well, won’t you be surprised when you wake up in the middle of the night tonight! Scream loud enough so the neighbors can hear you.
Scorpio: You are respected by your peers. You are a great thinker and leader. You…wait, what is this? This is definitely not the right reading for a Scorpio, it must be a typo. I bet the stars meant to say: You should hear what they’re saying about you. Very funny things, Scorpio! They’re saying very funny things at your expense, you jerk! Yep, that’s definitely what the stars meant to say.
Sagittarius: The best revenge is living well. The second-best is tasteless slow-acting poison. Maybe it’s more of a tie. Either way, you got wronged, and you need to set things right, Sagittarius!
Capricorn: ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, which is better than to have never loved at all, but also somehow lost a love, thus creating a paradox. Paradoxes are bad, Capricorn. Be careful, or logic will destroy you.
Aquarius: Your boyfriend is trapped in an alternate desert dimension. It is difficult to say when he will return. Perhaps take up drinking while crying in a quiet room. Wow! That’s a very specific and…painful horoscope. Thanks for nothing, stars!
Pisces: A train leaves a station traveling west at 40 miles per hour. Another train leaves a station traveling east at 60 miles per hour. These two trains left on different days, in different years, in different countries. How long until the passengers acknowledge their own impermanence?
Aries: I think they saw you, Aries. Hold still. They cannot see you if you do not move. Shhhhhh! Don’t move! Don’t move! Don’t– Nope, they saw you. So long, Aries!
Taurus: Someone misses you a lot, Taurus. And even though you have nothing but endless time trapped out in a nightmarish desert hellscape, you have a hard time making a phone call longer than ten minutes. Maybe call a bit more than you do, Taurus! Yep, that’s just some astrological advice from the stars.
Gemini: You know those eight spiders a year you eat in your sleep? Well, they add up. They are all organizing a pretty dramatic escape. Very soon, Gemini! Very soon!
Cancer: “The ocean is vast,” you convince yourself, walking alone between the trees. “The sky is endless,” you mutter repeatedly, trying to finally lull yourself to sleep. “Matter can neither be created nor destroyed,” you contemplate, despite not understanding the first part of the statement. “What’s on the Food Network tonight?” you say aloud to a stranger you have known for years.
|Live show 2
|Aries: Aries, you have much in common with a tree. A sadness that no one can see, or understand. Communication only through silence and wind. Skin made of wood. The way you collect sustenance through roots buried in soil. You are very, very much like a tree. Almost impossible to tell the difference.
Taurus: Taurus, today is the day that you change everything. Oh, I’m sorry. I misspoke, I’m sorry. Uh, let me try that again, OK? *Ahem* Today is the day that everything changes you. You will be completely unrecognizable. Yeah, that’s it. There ya go.
Gemini: How scared are you of centipedes, Gemini? I mean, no reason. The stars are just asking. Like, are you super super scared, because I can’t say for sure, but you’re pretty brave, right? Like, you could handle a couple of centipedes! You could handle a bunch of centipedes! Right, Gemini? No reason. I’m just asking.
Cancer: Today is an excellent day for you to demand a promotion, to approach the one that you’ve been secretly thinking about for years, to try your hand at that new hobby that you are considering. Unfortunately, it is a terrible day for getting that promotion, having that person say yes, and not injuring yourself badly on a power sander. But you should at least feel great about the attempt.
Leo: There’s just a thick, green smudge here, and the word “cryptotoxicology.” So I guess that’s a good thing, right?
Virgo: Now, wait. There are still some of you left? How did you survive the great culling of Virgos that swept through – oh! You know what? I’m sorry, that’s not ‘til next week. Sorry, I got confused there. Oh, yeah, today looks very good for you, Virgo! Maybe use this lovely day to get all your affairs in order. Just a thought.
Libra: All your dreams will come true today. Or…I mean, one of them will. You know that recurring dream where you’re chased through a house that seems like your own, but it isn’t quite, by a swarm of bees that you can’t see even though you totally know that they’re there? Well, it’s not that recurring dream, it’s the other one. And I am so, so sorry.
Scorpio: Your arms look weird. And your face is a natural irritant. And your personality leaves much to be desired, the principal desire being your immediate absence. You disgust me, Steve Carlsbe–…I mean, Scorpios? Ugh. Scorpios, right?
Sagittarius: Buy a tourniquet. The best that money can buy.
Capricorn: Today’s lucky number is imaginary! But, coincidentally, so are you, and your entire experience of the world.
Aquarius: You wanna make some money fast? I don’t know, rob somebody. Commit fraud. There’s lots of ways.
Pisces: You’ve just won another brand new car! You stare bleakly at your home filled with stacks upon stacks of new cars, occupying every possible space at impossible angles. Today’s brand new car is wheeled in and as you feel its bulk pressing up against you, taking the last bit of your home that had still been yours to live in, you feel tears hot upon your cheeks. Congratulations on your prize!
"Through the Narrow Place"
|Virgo: You should check under your bed before you go to sleep. That way the thing hiding in your closet will think you haven’t realized where it is yet.
Libra: All eyes are on you. Gross! Give them back.
Scorpio: Mars is intersecting with Mercury, which means your head is weirdly big for your body, and no one wants to tell you because they don’t want you to have the grace of self awareness. Ugh! Scorpios.
Sagittarius: You worry too much about earthquakes and plane crashes. You’re going to die of heart disease or cancer, just like everybody else.
Capricorn: Stop throwing your money away on expensive cars and nice clothes. The owners of those cars and outfits do not appreciate the crumpled dollar bills you keep throwing on them! And anyway, if you want to throw something away, that’s what garbage cans are for.
Aquarius: You’ve been so stressed lately. Why not just sit outside tonight, relax, look up at the stars, and know basically nothing about the world you live in.
Pisces: Scorpions are not as dangerous as everyone thinks. Try to concentrate on that. It’ll help you feel a little calmer tomorrow.
Aries: I know this is a hard time for you, Aries, but remember: 'tis better to have loved and lost. It’s really great, just the best.
Taurus: Step on a crack, break your mother’s back. Pick up the phone, break your mother’s tailbone. Take your coffee with creamer, break your mother’s femur. The wizard’s spell has gone terribly wrong, and you must not move at all until it is reversed.
Gemini: You will meet a tall, handsome stranger. He will introduce himself, you will come to know him well, and he will know you well. He will grow older. His skin will sag and thin. He will no longer be handsome. He will no longer be a stranger. He will no longer be most of the things he once was. He will be a close friend, an old friend, one you’ve known for years, and with whom you are settling down into that final stretch of life. But he will always be tall. So tall. Very, very tall.
Cancer: I’m not saying this is bad news, but the stars just say “Aaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!” I mean, maybe that’s a good sign, right? Right? It’s a very inexact science.
Leo: Today is your lucky day! Which is good news, because tonight is your unlucky night. But enjoy this lucky day until the sun goes down. Until the very second the sun goes down. And then…and then…
"Who's a Good Boy? Part 2"
The stars are silent. They have been absent from the sky for weeks now. They refuse to tell us anything. Perhaps the silence is for our own protection.
|Live show 6
|Leo: Bet all your money on red! All those material possessions were only weighing you down. Soon you will be in many ways freer than the rest of us.
Virgo: You know that one spot on your back that itches and itches and itches and you just can’t stand it? Well, good thing: you won’t have to deal with that or anything else after tomorrow night.
Libra: Draw your loved ones closer to you. That first drawing you did was no good. No, draw them closer to you. There’s too much white space on the page! How are your loved ones supposed to love you if you can’t even draw them right?
Scorpio: OK so, I think we all know by now that this is the sign of... ughhh, Steve Carlsberg. Who is my sister Abby’s husband. Now, usually the horoscope just happens to turn out something quite mean for Scorpio. Purely through the unknowable combination of fate and random chance that is the meeting of the stars. But, Abby said that the stars had better knock that off! Especially if they want to be invited to their niece Janice’s first ballet fight. So, let’s see how this goes. Scorpio. Things are looking bright. What a great day you have before you! Look how clear the sky, how green the grass, how dumb and oversized your feet look. No really, I hope you don’t trip or rip your pants not even once! How terrible it would be if that happened. But, it probably won’t through, so there you go. Scorpios…
Sagittarius: Ahahahahahaha, aahahahahahaha, aaahahahahahaha!
Capricorn: Things fall apart; the center cannot hold; mere anarchy is loosed upon the world. The blood-dimmed tide is loosed upon the world and everywhere. So, your home carpentry project will not go well next week. There’s just too much blood.
Aquarius: OK, you are just two dogs in a trench coat, Aquarius. I mean I hate to break it to you, but you have no opposable thumbs, or language skills. And you’ve always been two dogs in a trench coat! Yes you are, yes you are! [kissing noises] Now go outside! Good dogs!
Pisces: If you don’t have anything nice to say, try saying something mean. I mean there are lots of options for things to say.
Aries: Ooh. OK, so this horoscope is just a picture of a bear. And next to the bear is a lizard and next to the lizard is a pelican. And there’s a combined speech bubble above them all that says, “We regret the storm that took your lives.” And they’re each smiling and cheers-ing some mugs of beer together. And they have their feet up on skulls. And if you look really closely you’ll notice that they’re not standing on a pile of sticks, but on a pile of human bones?! And unfortunately I believe that in this cartoon, Aries – you’re the pelican!
Taurus: No sunshine for you, Taurus! Nope! The sun’s light has been blocked, but only for you. Oh yes, everyone else will walk in sunny rays, sunshades and shorts, wide smiles and hat brims, SPF 50 and a Frisbee at the beach. You will likely lose feeling in your skin due to the cold of a sunless world. Good luck!
Gemini: They say an onion has many layers. Gemini, you are like that onion. Time has peeled away, one after the other, each of your hard, pungent layers: snap, snap, snap! They pry off and urgent fingernails pry away the remnants as you grow smaller, wetter, less complex. Ooh, also like an onion, your odor makes us cry.
Cancer: Well this just says “chainsaw accident”. So I bet that’s a metaphor for something really good!
|Live show 7
|Aries: Isn’t it funny how you drive on a parkway, but then according to your horoscope you’re going to die on a driveway? It’s weird, right?
Taurus: Today will be lots of things for you, Taurus. Blood-free will not be one of those things. No.
Gemini: There are many organ donors, but did you know you can also register to be an organ collector? Yeah, it’s actually very easy, all you need is a scalpel and some clay jars. But anyway, you should definitely register as an organ donor. By next Thursday. At 11 AM. If you can.
Cancer: Aim for the moon, Cancer! Even if you miss, you’ll still hurdle forever through the silent vacuum of space. Cold and alone. So really, aim for that moon, OK?
Leo: Lend someone a hand, Leo. You have a whole trunk full of hands, don’t be greedy.
Virgo: Happy birthday, Virgo! But, OK today isn’t technically your birthday, but it turns out that any day could be your birthday if you ignore artificial and oppressive ideas about time.
Libra: Authorities found your body last night, Libra. They need you to come downtown to identify it. Yeah. [makes mind-blown-explosion noise]
Scorpio: All of your dreams will come true, Scorpio! We have a super difficult relationship but I still love youuu! [long silence] Ugh, Scorpios.
Sagittarius: Your life is full of endless possibilities. Some of those possibilities are dismal. A few of them are terrifying. And one of them will eventually kill you. But hey, there’s also like a whole bunch where you are just eating a burrito and reading a book by Zadie Smith and just generally feeling OK with the world so hey, at least there’s that.
Capricorn: Some things are better left unsaid, Capricorn. And those things are carved in limestone and buried underneath your home. So please leave them unsaid. Because who knows what you would end up summoning.
Aquarius: There are no dumb questions, Aquarius. Only dangerous ones, so watch your mouth; and watch your neighbors’ mouth--what kind of questions are they asking? Snitches get stitches, Aquarius! Snitches. Get. Stitches!
Pisces: If you believe in infinite possible universes, then hey, somewhere there’s a world where you don’t have a wolf spider on your shirt right now.
"The Promise of Time"
|Leo: This is a fantastic month for new business plans, travels, meeting new people, and breaking out of the windowless prison cell you woke up in this morning. Good luck on all those exciting ventures!
Virgo: I hope you are not too attached to your left hand. Either way, you won’t be soon.
Libra: You will walk out from your house. The sun will look strange to you, even though you think it perhaps always looked like that. It will look like it always has, and it will look so strange. As you walk down the street, you will see a path you’ve never noticed before, leading away from the familiar into a dark and twisted wood. You will follow this path, the warm dirt softly crunching under your feet. At the end of the path, you will come to a small and cozy home. In the window will be a boy, and he will give you a sign. A hand to the side means it is safe to go on, a hand by the air means the burrowers are hungry tonight. A covered mouth means the time is nigh. You may proceed accordingly. Even the stars do not know what happens next.
Scorpio: You’re a great brother-in-law, husband, father and friend. And if it’s up to me - and let’s be honest, it is – the stars will never say another mean thing about you again.
Sagittarius: You are really walking on thin ice here, buddy! No really buddy, you are walking on thin ice, buddy look down, the ice is about to crack and the waters below are so cold and clear. You have never seen anything so beautiful.
Capricorn: You have spent your life searching for your soul mate. Finally, having given up on love, you have volunteered to board a starship destined to never return to our world. You will live out decades on that vast arc, developing close but platonic relationships with the few fellow humans that are with you. Finally, in your 83rd year, you will land on a planet that’s surface will appear to be made entirely of silver. You will step out onto that foreign terrain, and waiting for you will be an alien being made entirely of vapor, a wisp of a creature whose droplets will curl around you, and you will smile and realize that you have finally found your soul mate.
Aquarius: Your lucky number is five, which is also how many days you have left. That’s an auspicious coincidence!
Pisces: Everyone knows your terrible secret, and they think it’s really boring.
Aries: This just says “spiders” in increasingly large fonts for about seven pages. Aww, that’s cute!
Taurus: Turn your eyes to the heavens. Honestly, it’s better not to see what’s approaching from below.
Gemini: There will come a day in which you will have to go to the ocean. Who knows when that day will come. You might be hundreds of miles away form the ocean, you might be in an airplane or working on a farm in Ottawa. But there will come a day in which you will have to go to the ocean, and so you will travel in whatever attire you were wearing when you were called, barefoot and groggy, walking day and night until you see the glitter of water, until you hear the hush of the waves. And then you will walk into the ocean until only your head is above the surface, and you will laugh and laugh and laugh. And the ocean will laugh with you. But today is not that day. Who knows when it will come?
Cancer: Uh huh. OK. Yeah. Everything is basically fine with you, yeah. You’re good. Nothingggggg tooo report.
Gemini: Bury yourself in your work today, Gemini. Pile that garbage high and rest your weary head beneath its odorous, but comforting weight.
Cancer: No more Mr. Nice Guy, Cancer. Today you are Mrs. Disinterested Lady. Get out there and be uninvolved in everything.
Leo: You’re the talk of the town, Leo. Word after word is about you, and it is juicy! Like a rare steak, like a blood orange. Juicy like 2008 coutoure. Whew! You should hear what they’re saying.
Virgo: You are not what you seem to be, Virgo. You seem to be a blackberry shrub, overreaching and prickly. But really you are a human, squishy and small. Continue to be the thorny fruit-bearing bush, though.
Libra: You seek balance, Libra, but you are as lopsided as wealth disparity graph in an economist’s classroom. Share your worth, distribute your value fairly and compassionately, Libra, for the villagers are sharpening their tools.
Scorpio: Hey Steve, love you pal!
Sagittarius: Your opacity in relationships is going to be your downfall, Sagittarius. You’re an obsidian monolith, towering over everyone, absorbing all light, except the faint reflection of those who want to know what glows inside your stony façade. You don’t have to be a diamond, Sagittarius, or even quartz. Just try for salt lick, OK? I think you can achieve that.
Capricorn: Oh the games you play, Capricorn, you wicked little sea goat! You naughty caprine ocean dweller with your horns and scales, vexing us with your riddles and labyrinthian logic! The stars offer no advice for you, Capricorn, only envious praise.
Aquarius: Put your money where your mouth is, but wash that money first, Aquarius. It’s been in so many other people’s mouths, ever since we added Jolly Ranchers as legal currency.
Pisces: You’re swimming upstream, Pisces. Figuratively speaking, of course. I mean you are a human who does not need to actually swim upstream for food or a mate. Get out of the metaphorical stream and avoid the damage you’re going to do to your body and soul. Except for you, Tim. You’re a woodchuck, who is literally swimming upstream. I don’t like you, Tim, because you are eating my tulips. You can drown.
Aries: Fake it til you pretend to make it, Aries.
Taurus: Don’t hide your feelings, Taurus! Frame them! Display them ostentatiously on the wall. Mount them on plinths behind velvet robed stanchions. Curate an exhibit of your feelings, Taurus. Charge admission.
LEO: Stop itching it. I think you’re just making it worse. Oooh, that color is definitely not good. You should have a doctor look at that. Doctors love to look at gross things.
VIRGO: Word to the wise: Pelican. That’s this month’s password to get into the club where the wise people hang out. If you don’t know where the club is, then well, probably isn’t meant for you. Maybe hang out at the TGI Fridays instead.
LIBRA: Everything you needed was inside you all along. You only had to look within. Use a surgical scalpel and this flashlight. The stuff you’re looking for will be in a blue velvet bag. Good luck.
SCORPIO: The fates would like you to know that while your scones are definitely delicious, they are maybe a little dry. Just a little more milk, maybe? It is fated that you make less dry scones, ok Steve?
SAGITTARIUS: While usually “How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?” is a fun children’s riddle, today it will become, for you, a life or death question.
CAPRICORN: You will achieve your dreams. Every single night, you will fall asleep, and achieve dreaming your dreams. Good job! Everything else is up in the air, but at least you have that.
AQUARIUS: This one just says “What’s the worst that could happen?” and “How hard can it be?”
PISCES: Follow your passions. Success is entirely based on luck and generational wealth, so you might as well.
ARIES: Winking smile emoji. Graveyard emoji. Thumbs up emoji. 100 emoji.
TAURUS: Today will be a good day. Not necessarily for you, but for someone, surely.
GEMINI: In answer to your next five questions: 1. Yes 2. At the bottom of the sea. 3. An off-brand lemon soda. 4. No, no, please no. 5. Your twin brother, Phillípe
CANCER: No horoscope today. Your fate is boundless. The world is yours. Sounds terrifying. Better you than me.
- Tentacles. (Doesn't matter your sign. The stars all say "Tentacles.")
- The constellations have all fled. A new, huge constellation has appeared on the horizon. Where can we hide. 
- VIRGO: It's not to late! It's not too early, either! Time does not exist for you. Unfortunately, you are immortal.
- SCORPIO: Money doesn't grow on trees. Your progeny do. You're a tree now. We wish we knew which one. We miss you.
- GEMINI: What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 in the afternoon, and 3 at night? This weird dog that needs a good home!
- CANCER: Stop and smell the flowers. Nope those aren't real either. Where are you? What is this strange, lonely world? Hello? *echoes*
- CAPRICORN - If you believe in infinite possible universes, then there's a world where you don't have a wolf spider on your shirt right now.
- AQUARIUS - Look in your heart for the answer. (The answer involves a whole lot of blood.)
- VIRGO - You have been granted three wishes. I mean infinite. I mean condemned to. I mean lives. You've been condemned to infinite lives.