FANDOM


The Community Calendar is a reoccurring segment on Night Vale Community Radio, wherein a list of municipal goings-on and general town events are listed.

Occurrences Edit

Episode Community Calendar
2 (Glow Cloud)

Saturday: The public library will be unknowable. Citizens will forget the existence of the library from 6 AM Saturday morning until 11 PM that night. The library will be under a sort of renovation. It is not important what kind of renovation.

Sunday: Dot Day! Remember: red dots on what you love, blue dots on what you don't. Mixing those up can cause permanent consequences.

Monday: Louie Blascoe is offering bluegrass lessons in the back of Louie's Music Shop. You should bring your instrument to the crumbled ashy shell of where his shop once was, and pretend that he is there in the darkness teaching you. The price is $50 per lesson, payable in advance.

Tuesday afternoon: Night Vale PTA bake sale to support Citizens for a Blood Space War. Proceeds will go to support neutron bomb development and deployment to our outer solar system allies.

Wednesday: Cancelled due to a scheduling error.

Thursday: A free concert.

10 (Feral Dogs)

Sunday: Free event: Bi-Weekly Fire Person Appreciation Parade. The Fire Department will not be fighting fires during the parade and would like to remind Night Vale citizens to check your coffee makers and gas stoves before you leave home.

Monday: The staff of Dark Owl Records will be wearing sweater vests.

Tuesday evening: The Boy Scouts' Court of Honor. The BSA will name its first-ever Blood-Pact Scouts — the rank just above Eagle Scout.

Wednesday afternoon: The City-Wide Fitness Fair at the Rec Center. Sponsored by The Intelligence Group International, who will provide free prostate screenings, mammograms, and surgically-embedded government monitoring devices.

Thursday morning: A giant sandstorm, as scheduled by The National Weather Service and National Security Agency.

Friday: [Friday] is an oasis. Only a metaphor for something unattainable. A haunting dream of meaning for our lives, but don't look! Turn your head. Your life is here. Stay here. You are alone. You are so peacefully alone. That's it. Yes. Goooood.

18 (The Traveler)

Thursday 8 P.M.: At Dark Owl Records, Curtis Mayfield reads from his new book, Where Am I? I Cannot See, Cannot Feel, Do Not Know Where I Am Or How Long I Have Been Here: A Memoir.

Friday afternoon: Free admission day at the Children's Science Museum.

  • New exhibit: Frogs: Truth or Legend?
  • Recently installed: Interactive learning room, where young scientists can play freely with such scientific items as paint thinner, nail polish remover, glass cleaner, and a half-empty bucket of grout starter.



Superday: Saturday has been merged with Sunday.

Monday: [Monday] will not harm you, but you should stock up on latex gloves, nonetheless.

Tuesday: Hornet-free dining at the Olive Garden.

22 (The Whispering Forest)

Monday: Children's Science Museum opens new exhibit, The Moon Is A Lie. It explores how the moon is a government-created myth to keep us all from knowing about the ancient alien machinery that controls the oceans. In the hands-on learning room, children will be able to make their own moons out of styrofoam and aggressive propaganda, just like the Masons did.

Tuesday: Buddy Holly returns to Dark Owl Records. There will be no performance or book signing, and no one will see him. He will just hover over music lovers' shoulders and disapprove of their misguided musical tastes. Incorrect shoppers will receive a bout of uncontrolled sobbing and a horrifying chill up their spine from the legendary rock-n-roller himself.

Thursday: Recycling Pickup Day. Paper goes in blue bags, plastic in clear, and any teeth you have lost because of last week's public water mishap should be gently placed in a wooden box and set afire.

Friday: Cooking classes for beginners at the Night Vale Recreation Center. Amateur chefs can learn about knife skills, the basics of baking, and a seminar about whether or not deer feel pain or are just sad.

Saturday afternoon: A secret parade. You will know where and when it is if and when you are chosen to see its secret floats and hear its secret songs.

Sunday: The day we decided last fall we would clean up around here. You promised. We need to clean up, okay? And that's this Sunday! Don't make other plans, you always do that! You are always doing that!"

27 (First Date)

Monday: The annual Bluegrass Festival, held in the burned-out shell that used to be Louie Blasco's music shop. Participants can huddle among the ashen remains, casting haunting looks at each other and sharing some of their favorite bluegrass dirges. Legend has it that if you look into a mirror and say absolutely nothing three times, Louie himself will appear and teach the crowd some simple, easy bluegrass licks before taking your soul back with him into the dark of the mirror.

Tuesday: [Tuesday] is a holiday. Make sure you have adequate emergency supplies and plenty of clear plastic sheeting. We're not sure which holiday it is, so have all possible antidotes on hand.

Wednesday: The staff of Dark Owl Records are getting a band together. "We know a lot about music," they'll say, grabbing knives and hammers. "We should start a band, definitely!" they'll continue, over the screams. "Let's get a band together. We should do that!"

Thursday through Sunday: A blur of routine and practicalities, a series of moments and actions that we will fail to notice as we experience them and will forget the moment they are gone.

34 (A Beautiful Dream)

Friday: The staff of Dark Owl Records will be putting on a live concert. They will be scratching madly at the sides of a deep pit in a rarely-traveled part of the desert. They will also be screaming, and starving. They will be crying and clawing; no one will hear them for days. They will be found, but they will not be the same. Tickets are not available, and never were.

Saturday afternoon: Amnesty Day at the Night Vale Public Library. Librarians request that if you have overdue books, or have committed any high-level international crime, or domestic treason, or space-travel felony, you should just come to the library, and all will be forgiven.

The Librarians say that they will not harm you. In fact, they add, "It doesn't hurt at all. Amnesty is actually quite freeing, quite delicious." the Librarians explained. "You will never have to worry about anything else. Just come to the library and let us see you. Let us see you!" they added for emphasis, and a long string of spittle flew sideways from their great yellow and gnarled teeth.

Sunday night: Completion of a very ancient prophecy.

  • Cecil could not read it aloud "for fear of a curse of misfortune". He gave a hint: "...comets, burning rain, animal uprising..."



Monday: [Monday] was never meant to be, but it will be anyway. We will wander within its moonlit beginning, and end, wondering how such a thing could happen – how anything could happen. We will be appreciative, but a little frightened, completely ignoring the persistence of time and the limitations of our own understanding.

Tuesday: [Tuesday] is a joke. A terrible, terrible joke."

Live Show 1 (Condos)

Friday: The staff of Dark Owl Records will be holding a clearance sale. Banners at the store will read:

  • "EVERYTHING MUST GO!" in a thick font
  • "Music is old! It’s ancient! It cannot tell the stories of our lives, our souls, our societies any longer!"
  • "It cannot mean anything! It cannot give you what you need! Buy this music, and eat this music!" in bright yellows and blues.
  • "Tear it into plastic shards and swallow it! It knows not what it has wrought on our world!"
  • "Let it shred you from within as we laugh from without!"
  • "40% off all CDs, 70% off all posters! Friday only!"



Saturday afternoon: The opening of the new Kid’s Unlearning Wing at the Museum of Forbidden Technologies. Well, this wing has been built, but no one is certain where. The museum staff says that they kids interested in unlearning all about forbidden technologies, as well as those kids who are uninterested…well, in fact, all children, the museum says, will eventually be chosen during sleep. They will wake up late one night in this new wing, experiencing all the magic and wonder of unlearning.

Sunday morning: The Night Vale PTA will be holding a raffle. Tickets are only $2 each, and the winner (as usual) will never be heard from again.

Monday: [Monday] as been rescheduled to Wednesday.

Tuesday: [Tuesday]...you don’t even want to know. Or, you do want to know, but the powers that be don’t even want you to know, so you can all just be properly surprised.

Wednesday: [Wednesday] has been doubled, due to rescheduling of Monday.

36 (Missing)

Tuesday: [Tuesday] there is a false start. A mistaken understanding of time. We will wake, and walk to our normal places – our showers, kitchens, cars, desks – only to find the day never began. We will slowly notice an absence of all matter, all light, all time. And then, as suddenly as we false-started, we will begin our actual day. And everything will happen the same. Only, because of our awareness of it all, it will happen differently. Less differently at first, but more differently later.

Wednesday: [Wednesday] will take forever. Foreeeeeeevvvvvveeeerrrrr. Not literally, but very near literally. Ugh! Wednesday hasn't even gotten here, and I already want it over with!

Thursday: A faint outline of a dull face will appear in the dark as you try to sleep. You will notice its blank stare; its straight, expressionless lips; its thick brow; and the subtle hint of slow collected breaths. It will seem to be watching you, curious about you, as if it were not from here. It is not from here. You will lock eyes. You will barely be able to make out the face's humanoid features but you will know, deep down, it is not human. Not human at all. "What does it want?" you will think. Probably nothing. Let it go. Get some sleep.

Friday: An open house at the Night Vale Community College. Thinking of furthering your education? Considering taking winter semester classes? Well, it's a trap! Do not go near the Night Vale Community College this Friday. Ha! Nice try, giant worms, but we know your tricks! Faking a Community College open house is very obvious, don't you think? I mean, it was a nice touch, creating a fake press release to get into various news outlets like ours, but we see through you! No, we really do. Your skin is translucent, and it's kind of gross. No offense.

Saturday: Everyone is their own person. You are free to disregard others and recognize yourself as one, for once. Pour some wine, draw a bath, light some incense, and grab a city-approved novel. It's your time.

Sunday: [Sunday] will be full of regret. Also, joy. Also, laughter. Also, conversation. Also, long stretches of unmemorable moments. It will mostly be that last thing. In your old age, as you look back on your life, if someone were to ask what happened on that Sunday – you remember, that one Sunday, with the regret, and joy, and laughter, and conversation – if someone were to ask you that, you would be hard-pressed to come up with a single memorable moment from this coming Sunday.

41 (WALK)

Thursday: [Thursday] is a lost cause, but we will keep on fighting. We will get up, say “Yes! Today is a different day than before!” believing this against all evidence, eating food like that matters. Going to jobs that mean the same thing as they did before, but cast in a new light by our own optimism, which will slowly drain away until all that is left is the movements and thoughts we’ve had before. Echoes of ourselves, underlined to emphasize the lack of emphasis. Coming home, drifting home. Aimless homeward wandering into a kitchen that is too small for our needs, and eating food that isn’t what we imagined it would be. And watching television that means more to us than our jobs. And, finally, falling asleep – in which we dream of the Thursday that could be…if only we lived Thursday to the full potential of its Thursday-ness, not expecting it to be anything but Thursday, embracing every inch of its Thursday reality, and living each Thursday moment anew, only to wake the next Thursday, and again impose, unsuccessfully, our imagined Thursday onto the unyielding frame of Thursday. Our Thursday. A lost cause.

43 (Visitor)

Wednesday night: The Night Vale Community Theater will be holding auditions for the musical “Into the Woods.” Interested thespians should bring night-vision goggles, glass cutters, a breathable ski mask, and quiet shoes to the First Night Vale Bank.

Thursday: The Museum of Forbidden Technologies will open their new exhibit, called “Thought Crimes.” Anyone who attends the exhibit is obviously interested in learning about forbidden technologies, and will be arrested immediately. Tickets are available on the museum website, and…here’s a tip: They can’t arrest you for buying tickets if you’re in your own home. They can, however, use tear gas to flush you out, and then arrest you.

Friday afternoon: The staff of Dark Owl Records will be wearing black pants and chain mail veils.

Saturday night: The grand opening of Night Vale’s newest restaurant, Tourniquet, featuring Executive Chef LaShawn Mason, who was previously a sous chef for Night Vale’s top-rated fine dining establishment, Shame. LaShawn hopes to bring classical French cooking into the 21st century, with a mix of molecular gastronomy and human remains. Tourniquet offers a prix fixe menu for $35, featuring choice of appetizer, entree, dessert, and sudden awareness of a hideous suppressed memory.

Sunday morning: [Sunday morning] is. Period. It just is.

47 (Company Picnic)

Tuesday: Work Day! All StrexCorp-owned homes and businesses, which is to say all homes and businesses, should work all day in their most productive and enthusiastic way. Work is how we all become better people! You do want to become a better person, right? You want to be valued, you want to have value, you want your value, numerically speaking, to increase? Then work! It’s Work Day!

Wednesday: Work Day. Keep working, StrexCorp employees! Don’t stop!

Thursday through Sunday: Work Days.

Monday: [Monday] is a lie that someone told you in order to poison you against the idea of starting your work week. Who told you this lie? Point them out to us, and we’ll make sure that they don’t tell you any more lies. Isn’t that nice? Just honest folks, dealing honestly with other honest folks. Just point out the liar, and denounce them.

55 (The University of What It Is)

Monday: The annual Barista Cultural Fair, located in the barista district. The baristas will be performing traditional barista dances like the twice-dip and the mustache snort, and serving traditional barista foods, like lemon poppy seed scones. There will be a showing of barista-themed movies, like Jaws and Jaws 2. And, Nora Jones will make an appearance via a photo of her tacked up on a wall so you can say, “Oh, look! That’s Nora Jones!” while pointing at that photo.

Tuesday: [Tuesday] is a day for trying to find what you’ve lost. Tear through your house, dress in clothes you haven’t worn in years, reenact situations from your childhood, and try to get them to turn out differently. You will get it all back! You will finally have lost nothing! It’s all possible, and it’s all healthy.

Wednesday: [Wednesday] is a secret that has been badly kept.

Thursday: [Thursday] is a day of remembrance and memorial, dedicated to all the people who will happen to die on that Thursday.

The City Council would like us all to take a moment and think about the many, many people who will just happen to die in that particular frame of time, for unrelated reasons, and adding up to no coherent picture of human existence. Please, find the time within your life to mourn those who will, by complete chance, be gone.

Unless you turn out to be one of those people. In which case, hey! You’re off the hook on all this tedious grief stuff!

Friday: [Friday] is a plan that has been poorly thought through.

Saturday: “Saturday is absolutely nothing you should be worried about,” say hulking, buzzing figures hiding in all of our attics, in a statement that they issued today, thus revealing to us, for the first time, their existence.

Sunday: [Sunday] is a lie that has been foolishly believed.

Live Show 2 (The Librarian)

Thursday afternoon: At the Rec Center is the Sheriff’s Secret Police’s semiannual gun buy-back program. If you have an illegal or unregistered gun, bring it to the Rec Center, and the Secret Police will buy it from you with full amnesty, no questions asked.

A Secret Police representative said it’d be “especially cool” if you had fully-automatic rifles and some hand grenades. “Like, really cool!” she repeated, here eyes darting about, her knuckles rhythmically cracking. “Also,” she added, “please don’t tell anybody we’re doing this. It’s totally covert.”

Thursday night: A private event: The staff of Dark Owl Records will try to discover fire.

Friday night: All lanes of Route 800 will be shut down in both directions as work crews stand in the middle of the empty, dark highway, repeating “Bloody Mary!” three times, just so we can settle this thing once and for all!

Saturday afternoon: The annual Children’s Fair on the great lawn near City Hall. There will be face painting booths, street food, balloon animals, real animals, hungry animals, feral wild animals that fear no humans. Children and adults are prohibited from attending until they get all of these animals under control.

Saturday night: The PTA’s annual fundraiser benefit to raise money to increase the number of school clubs.

Sunday morning: The Night Vale Junior League will be opening the one hundred year time capsule that was buried there by disgruntled Subway employees all the way back in 1915. And it is just so exciting to see what kinds of bread and cold cuts that have been buried in that little cardboard box for an entire century! And we are all certain to learn a lot…and then forget it, only to have it resurface subtly couched in horrifying Jungian dream imagery for the rest of our lives. Because that is how time works, hmm?

Monday: [Monday] would like for you to leave it alone. It is not its fault that you are emotionally unprepared for your own professional lives!

64 (WE MUST GIVE PRAISE)

Thursday night: Dark Owl Records will be holding an open mic for anyone who promises not to play any music, perform any poetry or comedy, or produce any kind of art at all. Dark Owl owner Michelle Nguyen says she hopes to not have to listen to or see any more art for as long as she lives, which she is sure will be for a really long time.

“It’s taking forever, this life!” Nguyen said, before inserting an AOL Free Internet for 30 Days disc into her antique CD player. “This is the only thing I can listen to anymore,” Nguyen added.

Friday morning: The Society for a Blood Space War will be traveling back in time and eliminating several future enemies before they gain training and grow powerful. According to the group’s press kit, Friday is the official day of the event, but since they’ll be traveling back in time, it’s kind of moot because they’ve already done it. It’s just that they recently hired a new PR manager, and he’s being all, like, “you can’t announce an event without a date.”

Anyway, they’ll have preemptively assassinated all future enemy leaders by Friday morning.

Saturday afternoon: The Ennui Fair on the Great Lawn, sponsored by the Last Bank of Night Vale. There will be some pouty clowns, indifferent to simplistic balloon shapes of dogs. There will be local merchants and artisans, standing hopelessly in small lots where they should be setting up booths to showcase their wares, but can’t bring themselves to do so because they’ve lost the thread…not just of the fair, but of their careers and lives.

Organizers say they expect cold rain that day, so you should……

Sunday all day: The First Annual Ultimate Frisbee Tournament at the Softball and Field Hockey Grounds, which were discovered last fall by archaeologists over near the Olive Garden in the Problematic Birds District. The archaeologists determined this ancient site was built over four years ago by natives of this town, who enjoyed outdoor activities like amateur softball and field hockey.

Tuesday afternoon: [Tuesday afternoon] is a pretty decent classic rock song.

67 (Best Of?)

Monday through Sunday: [Monday through Sunday] this will be a barren stretch of desert, strewn with human debris shot out by a population explosion back east. These shiftless fellows will mope around and complain about the heat and lack of water. The shadows up on the hills will watch and watch, but will come no closer. Squinting, the newcomers will see the shadows in the hills and then they will squint further and further, until their eyes are closed. And then they will hum until their minds are empty, and sit dreaming until their dreams are clean, and they will never look at the hills again. They will cease to believe in hills at all. Elevation will become a laughable thing. The sky, a starry stranger. The ground, a barren friend. The cliff dwellings are empty now, but their scattered children are manifest, and filled with love and mirth and grief.

69 (Fashion Week) Corrected Community Calendar:

Monday: A great craft crashes down from the heavens, and we all will surround the ominous bulk of it, still glowing hot and smoking from the impact, whispering and wondering, helpless to act.

Tuesday: There will be an event in the park, but this event will be a creature emerging from the craft, towering over us and, in a language we should not understand and yet, and yet we do understand, demanding that we worship it.

Wednesday: The day we will stage a brief but ultimately unsuccessful resistance against the horde of slimy, many-appendaged alien warriors pouring out from the landing craft.

Thursday: The day that beings from another world fully defeat us. And we will line the roads and avenues on our knees, heads bowed in recognition of our new masters, our new gods.

Friday: Instead of turning your citizen renewal packet in to the City Council, who will at that point be locked in a hyperdimensional prison by the occupying extraterrestrials, you will instead turn it in to the supervisor of your assigned human pod, so that they can gauge how much energy can be extracted from your body.

Saturday: The invading aliens start feeding on us.

Sunday: The day that Tamika Flynn and the beings who claim to be angels team up to lead a dramatic attack against the occupying force with the help of every Night Vale citizen, driving away our new masters and reinstating our old masters, who are brutal and awful, but who at least are a brutal and awful we know and understand.

71 (A Stranger)

Thursday afternoon: Free ice cream social for all members of the Illuminati. If you are Illuminati, please go to the secret underground bunker. There will be ice cream, streamers, and, of course, a bocce ball tournament. If you are not Illuminati, please disregard this notice. Maybe just stock up on some bottled water and bullets, and hope for the best.

Friday night: CANCELLED – Dark Owl Records will host a 90s fashion night. Everyone is required to non-ironically wear t-shirts and hats from the 1990s, which were originally ironically worn t-shirts and hats from the 1970s. Owner Michelle Nguyen asked that everyone be as sincere as they can be. Irony will not be tolerated, only studied, museum-like, on puffy truck hats with clever witticisms like “HEY, BEER!” or “I LIKE HIGHWAY” or “DOG,” along with airbrushed pictures of rattlesnakes, eagles, hot glue guns, and screen doors.

Saturday: StrexCorp will be the headline sponsor of a new program called “Free Opera Day,” a weekly community event where anyone can hear opera at no cost. In fact, you don’t even have to go to the New Old Opera House to hear it! Opera will be broadcast from the municipal loudspeakers, which are located on every residential block in the city, and within most residential homes.

Sunday: The Night Vale Opera will be running their most popular weekly program, “Opera Free Day,” where citizens are relieved of all opera for 24 hours. No one is allowed to play any opera at all. Armed soldiers from a private armed soldier corporation will walk the streets making sure no one is playing any opera.

“What is opera?” one armed soldier will ask the others.

“I don’t know,” another will reply.

“Could that be opera?” another will ask.

“Let’s go check it out,” they’ll all say, lifting their rifles and approaching what will appear to be an automated car wash.

Monday morning: [Monday morning] doesn’t really matter. Nothing ever did. Be silent, and look upward to the sky as if it had your answers. It does not. The sky is as dumb as rocks. Really dumb. You’ll figure that out early Monday morning, as you passively choose to experience the day in spite of its pointlessness, mumbling, “naught else remains to do,” while brushing your teeth.

72 (Well of Night)

Wednesday night: The staff of Dark Owl Records will be holding a seance to try to reach the ghost of Taylor Swift. They’ll be lighting candles and holding hands and playing Swift’s newest album, “1879,” which was named after the year she was born into a human body. For the fifteenth time.

Record shop owner Michelle Nguyen says it’s important that they get a hold of Swift’s ghost so they can ask her detailed questions about what kind of music she was into back then, because…well, the Dark Owl staff is running out of music that no one else has heard of. They want to find music that no longer exists, so they can get into that.

Nguyen also wants to trash-talk Emil Burliner, who was Swift’s ex-boyfriend and who totally stole Swift’s idea to invent the gramophone.

“He hated music,” Nguyen said. “He had some pretty fly ties, so like…I could see him inventing a pocket square, but not a turntable. Ugh! Did I just use the word ‘fly?'” Nguyen added.

The seance will be from 10:00pm to 2:00am, and there will be a live DJ, snacks, whispering, and darkness.

Thursday afternoon: The Night Vale Community Players will hold auditions for their fall production of David Mamet’s “Oleanna.” Director Chandra Richardson wants to take a fresh approach to this controversial play, stating that she plans on removing all of the words and stage directions. Instead, simply presenting a stage full of actors juggling and/or eating things like candles, and fruit, and rodents. Richardson says that the original 1992 play took a literal approach to the broad topics of gender and power, and she wants to find a more challenging metaphorical approach to this difficult material.

“Talking in English directly about a subject is a very 1990s thing to do. I think we can update this story by stripping it of its language and narrative, and just juggling, and eating things,” Richardson said.

Hopeful actors should meet at 2:00pm at the Rec Center, and bring their own candles and rodents. Fruit will be provided. No previous acting experience or understanding of any specific language is necessary.

Friday night: The Night Vale Alive Fireworks Spectacular, put on each month by a Vague, Yet Menacing, Government Agency. Representatives for the event, speaking through other representatives, who we met in disguise, using code names, in an undisclosed location, said this month’s fireworks spectacular promises to be the largest and most exciting of the year.

“You won’t want to miss it!” the representative whispered from behind a granite-colored Dodge Grand Caravan. “But unfortunately, you will have to miss it, because it is a covert and secret fireworks show. Everyone must stay inside. And close all doors. And window coverings.”

So, prepare a picnic and gather the family into the panic room this Friday night!

Saturday: [Saturday] is already over before it’s even begun. Where does the time go?

That’s not even a metaphor. This coming Saturday ended weeks ago, but no one knows where it went. Or why.

81 (After 3327)

Monday: The Museum of Forbidden Technologies will be hosting a lecture by Night Vale High’s A.P. auto shop teacher, Nick Teller. He will be demonstrating some fun devices he came up with while tinkering around in his garage. As usual for talks at the museum, Nick will be covered with a burlap tarp, and a white noise machine will be played through a state-of-the-art surround sound system, so that no dangerous and secret technology can accidentally be learned about.

Tuesday: Annual day in which we leave offerings of fruit and Rolaids for the Eternal Scouts on display in front of City Hall. These brave children rose through the ranks from Boy Scout, to Eagle Scout, Blood Pact Scout, Weird Scout, Dreadnought Scout, Dark Scout, and Fear Scout, before finally achieving the rank of Eternal Scout.

Frank and Barty, stand in their glass cases, as they have for almost three years, with wide unseeing eyes, wide unseeing mouths, and long unseeing hair.

It is rumored that one day, in Night Vale’s hour of greatest need, the Eternal Scouts will awake and walk among us once again. Until then, we all bow our heads in silent reverence so that we don’t have to look at them because they are very creepy. We all look at the ground instead, because the ground it not creepy, except that it consumes your body when your body no longer belongs to you.

Wednesday: “Take Your Daughter to Work Day.”

“Put Your Daughter to Work Day.”

“Teach Your Daughter How to Do Whatever Simple Task It Is You are Paid to Do and Then, Once She has Mastered It, Slip Away and Leave Her as Your Replacement Day.”

If you do not have a daughter, one will be assigned to you. If you do have a daughter…are you sure you do?

Thursday: [Thursday] is a lost cause. Why even bother with Thursday? We all tried and tried, and still Thursday is what it is. Let’s all give up hope for today and just let it do its thing.

Friday evening: Legendary rock band The Clash and the great Amy Winehouse are joining together for a free concert in your imagination.

Saturday: A sale at Dark Owl Records, with everything wildly reduced in price. Cheapest of all, said Dark Owl owner Michelle Nguyen, will be the idea of art, which has been degraded to a point where it holds no recognizable value.

Statement by Nguyen burned into Cecil's lawn: “It’s like, what does art even mean outside of the intention to make art? And does the intention to make art alone define what it is? Anyway, you can take art for all I care. I moved on to the intricate fractal happenstance of nature, like, years ago,"

If there’s any particular album you’re looking for, please do ask for it by name so that Michelle can know the album is too well-known now, and she can put every copy she owns in the garbage, with all the rest of the popular music.

Sunday: [Sunday] is someone else’s problem. What, you have to worry about every day yourself?

Live show 3 (The Investigators)

Wednesday evening: Tourniquet, will be hosing a special chef’s table dinner. This exclusive event costs $500, and is limited to only 13 attendees. Diners will enjoy a special tasting menu personally curated and prepared by chef LaShawn Mason. The five course menu will center around quail. Chef Mason rediscovered the joy of quail meat, and would like to share this joy with Night Vale. Sous chef Earl Harlan will recite instructions for gutting and cleaning, and each diner will be given a live quail and a brick. The chef’s table dinner begins at 7:30, at which time all diners from last year’s event will finally be released from the kitchen back to their old lives.

Thursday night: The Night Vale Tourism Board is holding an opening night party to celebrate the new artwork on display at the Night Vale Visitor’s Center – you know, out by Radon Canyon. The theme of this gallery collection is “Pain. Internal, External, and Beyond!” and it features work by several local artists, expressing a wide array of popular art techniques from postmodern monochromatics to outdoor rock sculptures, and even a few interactive exhibits like “Put Your Foot In There” and “Hurts, Don’t It?” and “Stop Hitting Yourself! Stop Hitting Yourself! Stop Hitting Yourself! Why Do You Keep Hitting Yourself?”

Say, did you know that it is completely possible for the human body to survive unprotected in space for several seconds? No, it’s true! And this information will be super useful to you this Thursday night at 8:00pm, so…lock it in, all right? Cool.

Friday at noon: The eastbound lanes of Route 800 will be closed between exits 17 and 19. All traffic will be rerouted onto side streets. Highway crews will be posting signs with “All Roads Nowhere and Every Path DEATH” and also just a couple of frowny faces to help you with your morning commute.

Saturday afternoon: The Night Vale PTA is hosting its third annual youth arts fair. Diane Crayton, Susan Willman, and Steve Carlsberg put together a lot of new activities this year. Activities stations include: finger painting; pace painting; casting bronze idols; a death pit, filled with plastic balls. The youth arts fair focuses on creativity, fun, and personal expression for kids.

Warning: There will be clowns at the youth arts fair. However, for the sake of the easily frightened kids, the clowns will not be allowed into the actual fair. They’ll have to stand inside the elementary school, watching from the darkened rooms. Peering through the narrow gaps in the blinds. The clowns will be just barely discernible in the shadows, and thus not a distraction for the children, who’ll only be able to see the faint shadows of curly wigs and round noses and sharp yellow teeth, from behind the breath-frosted glass of the rooms the children must sit in day after day.

Principal Angela Slenderman is going to be there.

Sunday afternoon: The Night Vale Community Players will be hosting auditions for their next show, which is called “Oklahoma.” It’s an old musical about people from a fictional U.S. state that must fight off an attack from ballet dancing farmers – farmers that ride a herd of elephants with corn husks for eyes. This controversial musical has been lauded and derided by theater critics for its graphic and gory death scenes. Auditions are from 2:00pm to 2:05pm, and a postcard announcing the exact location of the auditions will be sent the day before, so make sure that you wait silently in the shrubbery for your mail carrier.

Tuesday: [Tuesday] is a lie! Calendars are propaganda! Days and times are just artificial walls built to divide us! [Cecil makes an explosion sound] It’s true.

89 (Who's a Good Boy? Part 1)

All events this week are canceled. This week is also canceled. You might be canceled, too.

96 (Negotiations)

Sunday: We will be holding a parade to celebrate the fact that the world probably won’t end in the next few days.

Monday: Cloud Amnesty Day, the one day a year in which all Night Vale citizens are allowed to acknowledge and talk about clouds. Common topics of discussion include what clouds are made of, what their intentions might be, and why talking about them can result in fines and jail time. The day will end with the usual ceremony, in which the Sheriff’s Secret Police will do their best to arrest the cloud, marking the reinstatement of the cloud ban. Of course, the only exception to this ban is the Glow Cloud, who is almighty and gracious in its cruelty. All hail, as everyone in town says every day, at the exact moment of midnight.

Tuesday: Gino’s Italian Dining Experience and Grill and Bar will be closed for a private event. This private event will be a celebration of Bart Mentenya’s 60th birthday. Bart is only two days old, so the private celebration will last just short of 60 years. Gino’s Italian Dining Experience and Grill and Bar will be back to regular business once it’s over.

Wednesday: Only available to paid subscribers. Please join the Days of the Week membership program to receive this member-exclusive day.

Thursday: Take Work to Your Daughter Day. Gather up all your coworkers, the furniture and appliances that make up your workspace, all the petty office politics and backroom bickering, the contents of the supply closet, the structure of the supply closet, the entire building that houses your work, and bring it all piece by piece to your daughter. And then reassemble it for her saying, “See? See?” over and over as she, gape-mouthed, watches your work transplanted monstrously into a place it was never meant to be. Be sure to send us cute pictures of her weeping over what you have done.

Friday: The Museum of Forbidden Technologies will be opening its newest exhibit: Lie detectors! A hands-on, interactive and completely mandatory exhibition organized by a vague, yet menacing government agency. Remember: if you have nothing to hide, then you haven’t confessed yet. We will break you. Children and anyone with an implanted government monitoring chip gets half off admission.

108 (Cal)

Thursday afternoon: The Faceless Old Woman and the Woman from Italy will be at the Night Vale Mall from noon to 4 PM, offering bespoke tortures for anyone who walks by. The Woman from Italy will recite the unlucky passers-by future pain, in the form of a catchy poem like:

The Woman from Italy will leave you in stitches. Not laughter, though she’ll laugh. A sound which is full of diabolical torment And wicked behavior, As she flays you before your friends and your neighbors. You’ll yet be alive when she opens your chest, The wet beat of your heart and the choke of your breath. She coos, “Don’t fear! It’s as quick as can be.” But in truth, there’s years left to this misery.

The Faceless Old Woman will simply write some harsh insults in silver sharpie on the side of an eggplant and hurl it at your family.

Saturday afternoon: The Night Vale PTA will be holding an emergency bake sale to raise money for the elementary school gym, recently burned down by Hadassah McDaniels. It’s also a clearance sale to finally get rid of the store room full of baked goods that have gone unsold the past two years.

Monday: Another hole will open in the sky, and then another. Things will come, other things will go. Cecil will remember that Michigan is a real state and its capital is Lansing. And that he once when camping with Cal and my mother, and some family friends, up near Higgins Lake when he was 9. Soon after knowing this, Cecil will stop knowing it again.

113 (Niecelet)

Monday night: The annual Night Vale Science Fair. Every fourth grader is expected to report to the Rec Center for a fun-filled evening of free programs and live demonstrations. Organizers say the kiddos will have a chance to make a 1:1 scale volcano, that spews real ash and molten igneous rock. They’ll learn how a pile of pennies can be transformed into a battery, simply by taking those pennies to Walgreens and exchanging them for a pack of Duracell double A’s. They’ll learn about about centripetal force by pouring a bucket full of water, and then filling out a worksheet on centripetal force. They’ll plant a bean sprout in a Styrofoam cup that won’t disintegrate until their grandchildren have set off on exploratory missions to find another planet that can support bean sprouts.

Tuesday night: Head over to the Band Shell to hear a set from Ouroboros, the rock band that only plays covers of their own songs. Wednesday, Ablution in Fresca to celebrate the start of the Andorran New Year. Thursday is Thirsty Thursday. Consume no liquids. You’re gonna get real thirsty! Friday has been indefinitely delayed by weather at O’Hare, and is now pleading with a United representative for a hotel voucher to avoid sleeping in a plastic chair in Concourse C.

Saturday early morning: The Earth will fully eclipse the Sun, blotting out its light completely, so that only a ring of wispy blue remains visible against the blackness. Now this eclipse will not be observable on Earth, of course, and to our knowledge there is no planet on which this phenomenon could be observed. There’s just nothing on that particular vector in space, but at 4:13 AM on Saturday morning, the total eclipse will occur, and that blue corona will shine softly in the dark, like a delicate smoke ring. And that dim blue halo will represent the entirety of us. Our dramas, dreams, and disappointments. The first ride without the training wheels. Our 8th grade dances. Our double Windsors and our veils, our sleepless nights in waiting rooms. Our rush hour commuters, our dozing through recitals til the one we love goes on. Our crying in the car as the one we love leaves home. Just that thin filament of blue, on which we wage our peace.

Sunday: Tacos and gun safety with Three-eyed Bill at First Methodist.

121 (A Story of Love and Horror, Part 1: “Barks”)

Tuesday evening: The Night Vale Football Boosters Club will hold their meeting at the Applebee’s that we’re all pretty sure was a Chili’s just yesterday, but now is an Applebee’s, and all records show it has always been an Applebee’s even though we remember it as a Chili’s. The subject of this week’s meeting will be the timing of football games, which all members agree are too long. “Hey, I like football as much as the next guy,” said Hannah Gutierrez, “but a whole sixty minutes of play? Plus all the breaks and starting and stopping? We’re busy people. Football should take less time.” The Booster Club will be working on their new proposal to get games done in a tight 15, so everyone can get home to watch the newest episode of Stop Chef, in which a group of contestants compete to prevent a chef from cooking.

Wednesday: Love Day at Dark Owl Records. Owner Michelle Nguyen explained that after recent love-focused events, she wanted everyone to understand that love is a laughable concept. And she wanted to highlight its absurdity by selling albums with songs that ruthlessly mock love using subtle irony, like “I Will Always Love You” and “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”. My former radio intern Maureen, who was in the store too and was holding hands with Michelle, agreed that love is stupid, and funny. And fun and ridiculous, and all-encompassing and revitalizing. Then Michelle said, “What?” And Maureen said, “What?” And then they both got embarrassed and asked me to leave.

Thursday: The Safety Parade, which the Sheriff’s Secret Police hold each year in order to highlight safety. Of course, no one is allowed to march in or attend the parade for their own safety. As Secret Police Mascot, Barks Ennui, always says: “Woof woof! The biggest danger to you – is you! Woof woof.”

Friday: A meeting at town hall to discuss the problem of entrances to other universes, and the question of whether all of us even ended up in the right universe after that whole recent mix-up. There will be light snacks as well as blood tests and surprise interrogations about our version of history, in order to trip up intruders from parallel universes. Attendance is mandatory.

Saturday and Sunday: The Brown Stone Spire will be offering powerful gifts in exchange for great sacrifices. The larger the sacrifice, the more powerful the gift. For instance, if you give it a DVD you got for Christmas five years ago and have never even taken out of its shrink wrap, it’ll give you a well-worn copy of “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets” that is missing its cover. But if you give it an offering of your own blood and fervent chanting, the copy of “Chamber of Secrets” it gives you will have an intact cover.

Monday: Night Vale cinemas will be hosting a showing of that classic comedy caper, “The Grift of the Magi”, in which two con artists run scams in order to get one another Christmas gifts, only to find that they have accidentally each stolen the money from the other.

130 (A Story About Us) Last week's community calendar. Community History:

Saturday: At noon, we all went to the Botanic Gardens, for the opening of the new exhibit called (Sedum Fields). One of us who is a docent at the gardens named Halla Darwish, explained to us that these succulent plants are excellent for private gardens, as they are affordable, easy to maintain, beautiful, and require little water. Sedum are often referred to as “stone crops”, Halla tells us before it means anything. She then thanked Thomas George Fleming and an anonymous benefactor for funding the Botanic Gardens.

Monday: We attended an emergency press conference at the site of City Hall, where no mayor currently presides. Before an empty mic, reporters asked questions and then tried to transcribe the occasional sounds of wind and crickets onto their notepads. One of us, Pamela Winchell, uncharacteristically tamped down her usual bluster and allowed someone else to speak for her, in this case the incidental sounds of nature.

Tuesday: We took a longer than usual lunch break to go look again at the Sedum Fields exhibit at the Botanic Gardens, and we saw the sunny summer blooms, which are elongated pink tubes billowing at the top, looking ready to burst. But in the middle, there are asymmetrical bulges, like small crouching humans inside. A docent who was not Halla Darwish, and who was not any of us, and who was neither tall nor short, told us to look at another plant. These were not for us. As we got back into our vehicles, cranberry spinach salads with sesame vinaigrette only half eaten, we caught a glimpse of this new docent plucking the unopened blooms and placing them gently into crates. We heard one of us on the radio say this aloud, as we scattered back to our desks and counters and warehouses and trucks and kitchen.

131 (Brought to You by Kellogg’s)

Wednesday evening: The monthly school board meeting. Topics covered will include updating text books to contain words, rather than runes and diagrams of ritual dances. Hiring a new vice principal after that whole endless cave of suffering mess a few weeks ago, and replacing all food in the cafeteria with cereal. Scientists from the Kellogg’s Institute say that most food has no nutritional value at all. Oh, wow. I did not know that. And that only cereal contains all the protein, vitamins and corn that a body needs to live. Yeah, that seems right.

Thursday: The Boy Scouts are holding their summer bake sale. They will have bowls of cereal and nothing else. The cereal is not available to you. You are available to the cereal.

Friday: [Friday] is now called Kellogg’s day. Mentioning the outdated name for Kellogg’s Day will result in severe fines and disappearances.

Saturday morning: [Saturday morning] is the summer softball league’s weekly game, pitting Steve Carlsberg’s Happy Hyeenas against Susan Willman’s Garbage Dump Team. That’s not the actual name of the team, but it should be. Kellogg’s will be sponsoring the game by replacing the softballs with fistfuls of Apple Jacks and sending employees to hurl boxes of cereal at players.

Sunday afternoon: Sarah Sultan will be offering free meditation classes in Grove Park. Sarah is, of course, a fist-sized river rock, and so is extraordinarily good at staying still and silent. And she wants to pass these skills onto you. Kellogg’s will place a six-inch deep layer of Special K over the entire park, for reasons that are their own.

Monday: The Night Vale Metereological Society has issued an extreme heat watch, saying, “Hey, it’s a desert. In August. It’s probably going to be hot as heck on Monday, and all other days.” Kellogg’s suggests using the sun to cook up some Rice Krispie treats by building a simple solar energy panel and using that to power an electric oven.

Tuesday: Set aside all of Tuesday, as Kellogg’s has indicated that they have use for us, all of us, on Tuesday. And then Kellogg’s made this hollow dry laugh that sounded like it came from a long dormant stone well.

133 (Are You Sure?)

Monday night: Pizza night at the Last Bank of Night Vale. Come by for this fun community event that features free pizza, a DJ, and paperwork that looks like a softball signup sheet, but actually commits you to a predatory loan.

Monday night: Karaoke night at the Last Bank of Night Vale. Come and join our employees in song. Unfortunately we planned this slightly last minute, and so the only CD we could find was a collection of nature sounds. So do your best to sing along to such hot numbers as “Rustling Leaves #5”, “Miscellaneous Beach Noise”, and “Two Hours of Burbling Brook”.

Monday night: Art gallery night at the Last Bank of Night Vale. Do you make art? [chuckling] Why? Just what are you trying to prove? Do you think you’re better than us? Yeah, come-come try to justify yourself this Monday night at the Last Bank of Night Vale.

Monday night: The annual kids fundraising dinner at the Last Bank of Night Vale. Catered by Night Vale’s own Earl Harlan. Join this fun and delicious celebration as we raise money to kids. Which we will then give to the kids, no strings attached. I wonder what they’ll spend it on?

Monday night: Garage Sale hosted by the Last Bank of Night Vale. They have all sorts of weird stuff, people are put in safe deposit boxes, and it feels like a waste leaving them sitting there. Come and make an offer.

135 (The Mudstone Abyss Part 1)

Thursday night: The Desert Bluffs Limestone Appreciation Society will get together in back of the Jewel Osco, to look at a piece of limestone that Gerardo Diaz found under his own tongue! Gerardo will show any member of the society and their guests the limestone nugget, but he will not remove it from his mouth. So if you wanna see it, you need to request a viewing by pinning Gerardo’s arms behind his back and then prying open his jaw.

Friday: The Smile Parade, as we do every Friday in Desert Bluffs. We will shut down all businesses and schools and come together on Pleasant Street, right in front of City Hall, that beautiful mound of mud we built last spring. And we will all stare deep into each other’s eye sockets and smile. Smile so hard we weep, as loud dance music plays and we all stand still. Tears streaming down our cheeks and onto our teeth. See you there!

Sunday afternoon: The Desert Bluffs Community Players will be putting on Arthur Miller’s classic play “Death of a Salesman”, an immersive bit of theater where the audience gathers at the bedside of a gravely ill person who worked in sales. The crowd stands and watches the person until they die.

137 (The Mudstone Abyss Part 3)

Monday:

Tuesday:

Wednesday afternoon: At Morning Bird Records, the Society for Painless Living will be holding a protest march against the construction of the Mudstone Abyss. Well, I don’t usually read press releases for such tiny events, but I guess there might be one or two people who want to exercise their right to assembly. So if this sounds like something you’re interested in, I guess you should go to the march, and then think about all the joy the Smiling God has give you and question your motives for refusing to appreciate it.

Thursday morning: The Citizens of Free Will will host a sit-in at the Sunlite All-day Diner to demonstrate their opposition to the Mayor’s order for mandatory labor on the Mudstone Abyss.

Thursday afternoon: The Natural Smiles theatre company is opening their new play, “The Pit of Ruin”. Playwright Danika Lopez says her work is an agitprop parable about the arrogance of religion, government and media. Lopez’ play, according to their press material, tells a story of a bloviating radio host.. who overreaches his position, enslaving an entire town in order to feed his hunger for religious power.

Friday morning: The People for Clean Sharp Teeth will be burning Kevin the radio host in effigy.

138 (Harvest Time) "Now the community calendar. Let’s see. Um… it’s all just notations in a childlike scrawl about how harvest time is coming. Oh wait, here’s something else.

Uh, there’s a spaghetti feed tonight at the Elks Lodge. If you’ve never been to the spaghetti feed before, you’re really missing out. It’s all about folks in the community coming together and eating and eating and not knowing when it’s over, because the spaghetti just keeps coming. It’s about commitment and dedication. It’s about not being a quitter. Remember when they called you a quitter growing up? “Quitter,” they said, pointing at you and your half eaten sack of pasta. Don’t you wanna prove them wrong? Keep feeding! Feeding isn’t about nourishment, not anymore. It’s about quantity, mass, volume, and proving you’re no quitter. It’s about commitment! Tonight at the Elks Lodge."

152 (The Great Golden Hand)

Friday: Martin McCaffrey is presenting an art show in the grain silo out back from the old Cooper farm. The silo will be kept in absolute darkness, and each viewer will be shoved into the abandoned tower all along. They will not be able to see anything except the dancing light that lives in their eyelids. But they will know that they are with art, that art is indeed there, just beyond their fingertips in the darkness watching them. Suggested donation is five dollars, as in Martin suggests you donate that or you won’t be able to get in.

Saturday morning: The annual grudge match between Steve Carlsberg’s Happy Hyenas, and Susan Willman’s Bad at Softball Losers. Not their real team name, but the name was kind of forgettable, and I think this one is more catchy.

Sunday: Leopold Tuesdale has called for a community meeting. Leopold is the former CEO of the former cereal company Flaky-O’s, until both were acquired in a hostile takeover by Kellogg’s. Leopold was last seen being pulled into a van by Kellogg’s executives, but he has returned. His face is gaunt and it appears he has aged several decades, or perhaps a few very stressful years. He wears a cape and one big leather glove. The topic of the community meeting is the labyrinth that lays just beyond human sight, and the harbingers of that labyrinth, who drive vans full of wooden grates. He also want to discuss parking for the antiques fair, which he feels has gotten out of hand on Grub Street.

Monday: Monday is a fun dinosaur presentation from local dinosaur expert Joel Eisenberg. This is part of the Applebee’s visiting experts program that invites local scholars to share their knowledge, and also prices jalapeno poppers at in irresistible 3,99 for 12. Wow! With a deal like that, I can’t wait to learn more about those big spitty lizards, or whatever they were.

Tuesday: [Tuesday] is the day you’ve been waiting for. Yes, you could have achieved your dreams earlier, but it always seemed easier to plan to do them some day. Well, Tuesday is that day, and now it’s time to finally buckle down and get those dreams going. Stay positive, and get it done quickly.

Wednesday: [Wednesday] is the day you die.

Thursday: The Night Vale municipal fire authority is holding a mandatory fire drill. When you hear the siren, burn as many things as you can.

155 (The Heist, Part 3)

Saturday: the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex opens its annual Haunted Halloween Hayride. There was complications this year, because Ghost Union Local 31 went on strike for an increase in pensions and maternity leave. Teddy Williams, owner of the Desert Flower, argued that ghosts cannot retire nor get pregnant, but the union countered with vaguely human faces muttering in the shadows while Teddy screamed, and eventually, a deal was truck.

Sunday morning: The pie eating contest at the Night Vale fair. Contestants will be competing for a top prize of a 1991 Buick Le Sabre, autographed by former US presidential hopeful and Illinois governor, Adelai Stevenson.

Tuesday afternoon: [Tuesday afternoon] is a tedious song.

Wednesday night: The high school dance team’s statewide semifinals at the rec center. Our own Night Vale High School is competing that night. Their top rival is Red Mesa High School, who will be performing a jazz routine called Tommy Tunes Broadway: an upbeat medley of classic show tunes. Night Vale’s dance team will present Ohad Naharin's postmodern masterpiece Anaphase, a contemplative blend of sculpture opera and dance defined by its explosive physical bursts, chanting, and contrapuntal movements born of a 22-member ensemble, who express the human body as a multidimensional art installation. Good luck to all dancers!

Thursday: [Thursday] is sick.

Friday: [Friday] is covering Thursday's shift.

159 (Cat Show)

Friday: This Friday night is the Tour of Lights in Old Town Night Vale. Participants can meet at Galway and 1st at 7 PM, where a tractor pulling a trailer full of hay will drive you around to look at the bright and festive holiday lights adorning the various historic homes. Last year’s favorite, the Victorian mansion owned by Harrison Kip, included a 40-foot tall Santa, his arms outstretched overseeing a vast army of toiling elves, while an old Victrola played “Ave Maria” over crackling speakers and clowns leapt suddenly from the thick shrubs, handing unsuspecting but delighted guests red and blue balloons shaped by long dead family members. Tickets are five dollars and go to support the Bilderberg Group.

Saturday evening: The bi-monthly pub crawl in downtown Night Vale. Every eight weeks or so, every bar in town becomes overrun with 7 inch long bugs that look like… a bit like earwigs but with human faces. All participating bars and pubs are offering two for one specials on well drinks and bottled domestics.

Sunday afternoon: The Tamika Flynn book club will be meeting to discuss their most recent book, the 2018 Husqvarna YTH-24K 14-inch riding mower owner’s manual. This month’s book was chosen by John Peters – you know, the farmer? They’ll be discussing the themes, symbolism and subtext of this seminal work of contemporary technical literature. The book club is open to anyone and there will be a potluck benefit.

Monday: [Monday] is running a few minutes late, but wants everyone to know we can go ahead and start without it.

Live Show (A Spy in the Desert)

Monday night:A blood drive in the Ralphs parking lot. There’s gonna be a van parked in the far corner, like just beyond the trees, and if you go inside that van, some blood will be taken from you. “Oh yeah, (she’s) gonna come out of you one way or another, man!” said a rapidly talking man in a dirty T-shirt, who I am not sure is connected to the blood drive at all. “Oh yeah, we’re just gonna do amazing things with your blood, man! Don’t worry about what, [disturbing voice] we’re just gonna do really good things with your blood!” and then he finished up by saying the national blood drive slogan: “Bloooooooooooood!!!” So I guess just, get on into the blood van!

Tuesday: [Tuesday] was lost last night by Bernadette Flynn, as she was watching the newly released remake of last year’s Spiderman movie. She thinks maybe Tuesday fell behind the seat during the film or something. So if anybody sees Tuesday, please let Bernadette Flynn know, as it was an old family heirloom, and her favorite day of the week.

Wednesday night: 80’s night at Dark Owl Records.

Thursday night: The adopt a pet fair at the Last Bank of Night Vale. There’s gonna all sorts of animals, and they will come home with you. You don’t even have to go to the fair. They already know where your home is. And they’re gonna be waiting for you. When you open your door that night, there’s gonna be panting and snarling and two little blinks of light, right inside your darkened doorway.

Friday: Bring Your Issues to Work Day. So really dig deep there, people! Let ‘em loose!

172 (Return of the Obelisk)

Friday night: Opening night of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Tony-winning musical “Sunset Boulevard” at the Night Vale Community Theatre. It will be a really lavish production, based on a Billy Wilder film about an aging silent movie star who finds an amulet that lets her travel in time, but whenever she moves through time, she enters someone else’s body and can’t leave until she saves her life. This staging of “Sunset Boulevard” is directed and produced by Susan Willman. Go see “Sunset Boulevard” on Friday if you want to watch uninspired actors and muddled blocking.

Saturday afternoon: The PTA bake sale fundraiser to send our Academic Decathlon team to a tournament in our state’s capital. The PTA secretary Susan Willman, says this money will go toward hotel and bus travel for our brilliant and talented Ac-Dec squad. “Academic Decathlon is about intelligence and perseverance,” says Willman in this overwrought press release. “Ac-Dec is about freedom and fastidiousness. It is a celebration of hard work, and we want Night Vale to show the rest of the state that...” Go buy a cake to support those amazing students, even though I’m sure Susan will still manage to mess up a box mix.

Sunday: Youth Reprogramming Day at the Night Vale Museum of Forbidden Technologies. Does your child love learning about new gadgets and advancements in technology? Well, come on down to the Museum of Forbidden Technologies on Sunday for a day-long reprogramming event. Docents and curators will engage those curious kids through hands-on unlearning. They’ll take their patented mindwipe beam and point it right at each child’s forehead until all interest in forbidden technology has been removed. Kids love the mindwipe beam, because it smells like grapes, and they don’t feel any pain for weeks after.

Youth Reprogramming Day is a family friendly day of discovering that you know too much, and knowledge is treason.

173 (The Hundred Year Play)

Tonight: School board meeting to discuss the issues of school lunches. It seems that some in power argue that it isn’t enough that for some reason we charge the kids actual money for these lunches. They argue that the students should also be required to give devotion and worship to a great glowing cloud, whose benevolent power will fill their lives with purpose. Due to new privacy rules, we cannot say which member of the school board made this suggestion. The board will be taking public comment in a small flimsy wooden booth out by the highway. Just enter the damp, dark interior and whisper your comment, and it will be heard. Perhaps not by the school board, but certainly by something.

Tuesday morning: Free acting classes at the Rec Center hosted by Lee Marvin. The class is entitled “Acting is just lying. We’ll teach you how acting is just saying things that aren’t true, with emotions you don’t feel, so that you may fool those watching with these mistruths.” Fortunately, Marvin commented: “Most people don’t want to be told the truth and prefer the quiet comfort of a lie well told.” Classes are pay what you want, starting at 10,000 dollars.

Thursday: Josh Crayton will be taking the form of a waterfall in Grove Park, so that neighborhood kids may swim in him. He has promised that he has been working on the form and has added a water slide and a sunbathing deck. He asks that everyone swim safely and please not leave any trash on him.

Friday: The corn field will appear in the middle of town, right where it does each September, as the air turns cooler and the sky in the west takes on a certain shade of green. The corn field emanates a power electric and awful. Please, do not go into the corn field, as we don’t know what lives in there or what it wants. The City Council would like to remind you that the corn field is perfectly safe. It is perfect and it is safe.

Saturday: [Saturday] never happened. Not if you know what’s good for you. Got it?

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.