Welcome to Night Vale Wiki
A list of cold openings spoken by Cecil, preceding the phrase "Welcome to Night Vale", by episode
Episodes with a diamond (♦) do not fit this format.
Episode No. Title Release Date
1 "Pilot" 15 June 2012
A friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.
2 "Glow Cloud" 1 July 2012
The desert seems vast, even endless. And yet, scientists tell us that somewhere, even now, there is snow.
3 "Station Management" 15 July 2012
The Arctic is lit by the midnight sun. The surface of the moon is lit by the face of the Earth. Our little town is lit too, by lights just above that we cannot explain.
4 "PTA Meeting" 1 August 2012
The sun has grown so very, very old. How long, cold, fading death? How long?
5 "The Shape in Grove Park" 15 August 2012
Close your eyes. Let my words wash over you. You are safe now.
6 "The Drawbridge" 1 September 2012
Rabbits are not what they seem to be.
7 "History Week" 15 September 2012
It is almost complete. It is almost complete at last.
8 "The Lights in Radon Canyon" 1 October 2012
Silence is golden. Words are vibrations. Thoughts are magic.
9 ""PYRAMID"" 15 October 2012
Weird at last! Weird at last! God Almighty, weird at last!
10 "Feral Dogs" 1 November 2012
Regret nothing. Until it is too late. Then, regret everything.
11 "Wheat & Wheat By-Products" 15 November 2012
Today's air quality is mauve and speckled.
12 "The Candidate" 1 December 2012
The policeman in that intersection is not directing traffic. He's coding an urgent message to all of us.
13 "A Story About You." 15 December 2012
This is a story about you," said the man on the radio, and you were pleased, because you always wanted to hear about yourself on the radio.
14 "The Man in the Tan Jacket" 1 January 2013
Look to the obelisk. We don't know where it came from, but it's attracting a lot of cats.
15 "Street Cleaning Day" 15 January 2013
Bananas are hardly that slippery. But watch your step anyway.
16 "The Phone Call" 1 February 2013
Your existence is not impossible. But it's also not very likely.
17 "Valentine" 15 February 2013
Trust everyone.
18 "The Traveler" 1 March 2013
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. It is only the truth-seeker who wonders, 'Why is the glass there? Why is there water all over the floor? Why is it covering every other surface of the house? Who -- or what -- is doing this to us?'
19A "The Sandstorm (Part A)" 15 March 2013
Blinking red light in the night sky. The future is changing, but it's hard to tell.
19B "The Sandstorm (Part B)" 15 March 2013
The future is what you make of it. Just know that your supplies are limited. Welcome to Desert Bluffs.
20 "Poetry Week" 1 April 2013
"You'll be safe here," says a whisper behind you.
21 "A Memory of Europe" 15 April 2013
Hang a map of a place you'll never go on your living room wall. Draw new streets. Tear off bodies of water. Wait for news crews to arrive.
22 "The Whispering Forest" 1 May 2013
There is a thin semantic line separating weird and beautiful. And that line is covered in jellyfish.
23 "Eternal Scouts" 15 May 2013
We report only the real, the semi-real, and the verifiably unreal.
24 "The Mayor" 1 June 2013
The sun has risen. You are awake. This symmetry is not without meaning.
25 "One Year Later" 15 June 2013
A friendly desert community, where the sun is still hot, the moon still beautiful, and mysterious lights still pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.
26 "Faceless Old Woman" 1 July 2013
Trumpets playing soft jazz from out of the dark desert distance. They come tomorrow. It is too late for us.
27 "First Date" 15 July 2013
Mountains. Endless mountains. Peak after barren peak. And what lies, restless, in the shadowed valleys? I cannot say. I cannot say.
28 "Summer Reading Program" 1 August 2013
Does it even matter how many living things you touched today? Or where they all are now?
29 "Subway" 15 August 2013
Our black suns move erratically like drunken bees, and each of them stings. Now more than ever we are full of blood and honey.
30 "Dana" 1 September 2013
It takes heart. It takes guts. It also takes cash. It just needs your payment immediately.
31 "A Blinking Light up on the Mountain" 15 September 2013
Our god is an awesome god. Much better than that ridiculous god that Desert Bluffs has.
32 "Yellow Helicopters" 1 October 2013
A lonely heart, a wandering eye, an empty stomach, a shoulder to cry on - this is what makes us, us.
33 "Cassette" 15 October 2013
Perhaps you noticed something strange yesterday. And perhaps you have forgotten it.
34 "A Beautiful Dream" 1 November 2013
Life is like a box of chocolates; Unopened. Dusty. And beginning to attract a lot of insects.
35 "Lazy Day" 15 November 2013
No one has seen the trees this week. Hopefully they'll come back soon.
36 "Missing" 1 December 2013
Red sky at night. Sailors delight. Red sky at night. The sailors are howling and laughing. The sailors begin to surround us and the night sky is so very red.
37 "The Auction" 15 December 2013
Velvet darkness. Silken light. The rough burlap of evening. The frayed cotton of daybreak.
38 "Orange Grove" 1 January 2014
You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both, and there you have spiders crawling out of a red velvet cupcake.
39 "The Woman from Italy" 15 January 2014
Flying is actually the safest mode of transportation. The second safest is dreaming. The third safest is decomposing into rich earth and drifting away with the wind and rain.
40 "The Deft Bowman" 1 February 2014
The riddle says: “He walks on four legs in the morning. He walks on two legs at midday. And at night, he slithers from dream to dream effortlessly, like the air we breathe. And we love him.”
41 "WALK" 15 February 2014
At a loss for words? Here's a few you can use: Welcome to Night Vale.
42 "Numbers" 1 March 2014
I sing the body electric. I gasp the body organic. I miss the body remembered.
43 "Visitor" 15 March 2014
Listen to your heart. You can hear it deep under the earth. Creaking and heaving. With roots snapping and birds flapping quickly away.
44 "Cookies" 1 April 2014
All that glitters is not gold. Particularly that thing over there. That's maybe a giant insect of some sort. It's really too dark to tell.
45 "A Story About Them" 15 April 2014
This is a story about them, says the man on the radio, and you are concerned, because this is not a story you were ever supposed to hear.
46 "Parade Day" 1 May 2014
Just act natural. Just act like all of nature. Just act like the entire cycle of life and death and change and rebirth.
47 "Company Picnic" 15 May 2014
Snow is falling somewhere. Many things are falling, or will fall, or have fallen, but temporary triumph is still triumph. Welcome to the Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area.
48 "Renovations" 1 June 2014
True beauty is on the inside, where everything is red and glistening and full of practical organs and sharp rocks. Welcome to the Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area.
49A "Old Oak Doors Part A" 15 June 2014
The sun is bright, the moon is irrelevant and we are light and light and light and light. We're light. Think back, look forward, listen timelessly.
50 "Capital Campaign" 15 July 2014
Home is where the heart is. We found it one day in the sink. It hums things late at night, but they are not songs.
51 "Rumbling" 1 August 2014
Look. Up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's a cloud! It's a moon?! Also, some stars. There are so many things in the sky.
52 "The Retirement of Pamela Winchell" 15 August 2014
Now is your chance. Well, that was it. It's over. Did you do it? Have you achieved what you wanted? No? Oh well.
53 "The September Monologues" 1 September 2014
The wind out of the desert is changing. I feel it; you feel it. A shiver in the midday heat. A crackle in the television broadcast. A shift in your immune system. It is September, and something is different. It is September, and the days have gone sinister – from first eye’s open to last slow breathing. It is September, and so, listeners – dear listeners – Night Vale Public Radio is proud to introduce The September Monologues.
54 "A Carnival Comes to Town" 15 September 2014
The secret to a long life lies in how acutely you perceive time.
55 "The University of What It Is" 1 October 2014
Let me be brief. Let us all be brief. Let us briefly be.
56 "Homecoming" 15 October 2014
It is autumn, and nature is vanishing. It is autumn, and nature is beautiful.
Bonus Ep. 1 "Minutes" 1 November 2014
If you're worried your writing isn't good just remember the earth is warming and soon good and bad writing alike will all be underwater.
57 "The List" 1 December 2014
Breathe deep. Deeper than that. Get far below sea level and breathe. Breathe in a cave. Breathe in a deeper cave. Breathe deeper and deeper until you can’t find your way back.
58 "Monolith" 15 December 2014
If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.
59 "Antiques" 1 January 2015
It’s not darkest before the dawn. It’s actually darkest after all the stars have gone out. It’s very dark then.
60 "Water Failure" 15 January 2015
See some evil, hear some evil, speak some evil.
61 "BRINY DEPTHS" 1 February 2015
There’s nothing under your bed. Nothing in your closet. Nothing waiting in the hall. You are surrounded by nothing. You cannot escape it.
62 "Hatchets" 15 February 2015
Dare to dream. Do it. We dare you. Go ahead, dream. It’ll be fine. We promise.
63 "There Is No Part 1: Part 2" 1 March 2015
There is no Part 1. This is Part 2.
64 "WE MUST GIVE PRAISE" 15 March 2015
Don’t judge a book by its cover. Judge it by the harmful messages it contains.
65 "Voicemail" 1 April 2015
You have reached the voicemail of Cecil Gershwin Palmer. That might seem like an easy thing to do, but think about how long you had to stay alive just to learn how a phone works and who I am. Congratulate yourself on that. Give yourself a vigorous pat on the back, and…don’t forget to leave a message after the heavily distorted sample of a man saying “I just couldn’t eat another bite.”
66 "worms..." 15 April 2015
We all lie dreamily upon damp earth, spotting clouds shaped like animals we have yet to invent.
67 "Best Of?" 1 May 2015
[Leonard Burton speaking] The sun is actually cold! It's cold and empty, and all is lost. Greetings from Night Vale.
68 "Faceless Old Women" 15 May 2015
Get the body you’ve always wanted. We know where it’s buried, and can lend you a shovel.
69 "Fashion Week" 1 June 2015
But don’t you see? You never needed anything else. The weird was within you the whole time.
70(a) "Taking Off" 14 June 2015
We all have to start somewhere. We all have to end somewhere, too, but let’s concentrate on the other thing. Welcome to... well... hrmm. Welcome to a Desert Otherworld.
70(b) "Review" 14 June 2015
If you love something, set it free. If it doesn’t come back, it probably died of sadness because it thought you loved it.
71 "The Registry of Middle School Crushes" 31 July 2015
I trip the light fantastic, and then I offer to help it up. And when the light fantastic is halfway up, I let go, and it falls again. Me and the light fantastic do not get along at all.
72 "Well of Night" 15 August 2015
Kill it with kindness. And if that fails, kill it with sharp sticks or knives.
73 "Tryptich" 1 September 2015
What’s past is prologue; what’s future is epilogue. This, right here, is maybe Chapter Four or Five.
74 "Civic Changes" 15 September 2015
Remember that you are a beautiful person. You’re a weird-looking tree, but you’re a beautiful person.
75 "Through the Narrow Place" 1 October 2015
It's not the destination, it's the endless exhausting journey.
76 "An Epilogue" 15 October 2015
In just a few days, the whole story will be known. This is what happens after.
77 "A Stranger" 31 October 2015
When a window closes, so does a door. So do all the other doors and windows. The house is alive, and it doesn’t know you, and it is scared.
78 "Cooking Stuff: Thanksgiving Special" 15 November 2015
Cook a feast no family could fully eat, recite prayers no family could fully believe, and acknowledge a frightful history no family could fully comprehend.
79 "Lost in the Mail" 1 December 2015
We brought something back with us, something we cannot escape: memories of a great vacation to deepest space! And the merciless Distant Prince.
80 "A New Sheriff in Town" 15 December 2015
I fought the law, and the law won. I ignored the law, and the law won. I abided by the law, and the law won.
81 "After 3327" 1 February 2016
To err is human, but to err is also computer. We'll have to find another test to reveal which of us are secretly bots.
82 "Skating Rink" 15 February 2016
If you're happy, and you know it, then the chemtrails are finally working.
83 "One Normal Town" 1 March 2016
Breathe in. Breath out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe. Don't breathe.
84 "Past Time" 15 March 2016
Dress for success. Put on your tall hat, and rubber gloves, and long grey coat. Success requires this specific outfit.
85 "The April Monologues" 1 April 2016
Once again, the turning of the seasons, nearly imperceptible here, a shading of the desert heat, but we feel the change, in the thrumms of our bodies, in the texture of the sand. There is rain, once in awhile. If not here, than somewhere else, surely. Wild spring has stepped in for her stolid winter sister. It is April, and something is different. It is April, and the days have depth, and vibrance. It is April and so, dear listeners, Night Vale Community Radio is pleased to present The April Monologues.
86 "Standing and Breathing" 15 April 2016
I believe the children are our future. They are also our past, and our present. This is how children work in linear time.
87 "The Trial of Hiram McDaniels" 1 May 2016
Numbers don't lie, but humans using numbers lie all the time.
88 "Things Fall Apart" 15 May 2016
City-wide utility failures continue to haunt us, but not as much as the strangers who do not appear to move. Welcome to the Night Vale Public Utilities Phoneline.
89 "Who's a Good Boy? Part 1" 1 June 2016
Who's a good boy? Who's the good boy? Who is it? Who is it?
90 "Who's a Good Boy? Part 2" 15 June 2016
You wanna go outside? Outside? You wanna go outside? You do? You do? I bet you want to go outside. I bet you do.
91 "The 12:37" 1 August 2016
Do not bite the hand that feeds you. Grab it first. Take the keys. Set yourself free. Then bite the hand, and run.
92 "If He Had Lived" 15 August 2016
Which came first? The chicken, the egg, or airplanes?
93 "Big Sister" 1 September 2016
Find it in your heart. You'll need to break past the ribs and then scoop it out, but it's in there, and you need to find it. Quickly.
94 "All Right" 15 September 2016
It’s all right. All right. Allll right. Allllllll right.
95 "Zookeeper" 1 October 2016
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a cursed talisman must be in want of a hex reversal.
96 "Negotiations" 15 October 2016
You are statistically likely.
97 "Josefina" 1 November 2016
Why do birds appear every time you are near? It's likely they planted a tracking device on you.
98 "Flight" 15 November 2016
Those who remember history are also doomed to repeat it.
99 "Michigan" 1 December 2016
Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun. It does not stop.
100 "Toast" 15 December 2016
I know many of you have a few things you'd like to say. So let me start things off: Welcome to Night Vale.
101 "Guidelines for Disposal" 1 February 2017
You are swimming distance from a shore you cannot see. If you choose the wrong direction, you will drown. If do not make a decision, you will drown.
102 "Love Is a Shambling Thing" 15 February 2017
Look at it from the raindrop's point of view.
103 "Ash Beach" 1 March 2017
We make money the old-fashioned way. We chemically convert lead into gold.
104 "The Hierarchy of Angels" 15 March 2017
I know you are, but what am I? What am I? What am I. What AM I?
105 "What Happened at the Smithwick House" 1 April 2017
If you could press a button that would give you a great deal of money, but it would cause someone you don't know in a distant part of the world to die, then you would have a good model for how our current economy works.
106 "Filings" 15 April 2017
Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near? Tell me more about your special bird powers.
107 "The Missing Sky" 1 May 2017
The best strategy for a labyrinth is to put one hand on a wall and follow that hand until you reach the exit. The second best strategy is screaming.
108 "Cal" 15 May 2017
There’s a billboard along the highway that reads: “Everything. Must. Go.”
109 "A Story About Huntokar" 1 June 2017
(Huntokar speaking) This is a story about Huntokar, said a voice on the radio. A voice you had never heard before, though she has been speaking to you your whole life.
110 "Matryoshka" 15 June 2017
I once was lost. But now I’m fine with that.
111 "Summer 2017, Night Vale, USA" 1 August 2017
A friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we lay open eyed, watching it all.
112 "Citizen Spotlight" 15 August 2017
If you see something crawling across your floor in the dark, don't worry, its probably just a tarantula.
113 "Niecelet" 1 September 2017
Gooooooood eevening, fine citizens. I’m your late night host this week, here to keep you company after sundown.
114 "Council Member Flynn, Part 1" 15 September 2017
At least their heart’s in the right place, I say, softly running my hand across a plastic takeout container.
115 "Council Member Flynn, Part 2" 1 October 2017
Paint a picture. It’ll last longer.
116 "Council Member Flynn, Part 3" 15 October 2017
Good hidden recording devices make good neighbors.
117 "eGemony, Part 1: “Canadian Club”" 1 November 2017
The suffocation of the ego. The eternal silence of the void. Faceless, yet screaming. And now serving orange wine on tap.
118 "eGemony, Part 2: “The Cavelands”" 15 November 2017
Time is irrelevant and imaginary. And yet, somehow it seems we are out of it.
119 "eGemony, Part 3: "Love, Among Other Things, Is All You Need"" 1 December 2017
The captain has turned off the seatbelt signs, and has turned on the ceaseless anxiety signs. Feel free to brood about the cabin.
120 "All Smiles' Eve" 15 December 2017
(Kevin speaking) How do I love thee? Let me count your teeth. Happy All Smiles’ Eve, Desert Bluffs!
121 "A Story of Love and Horror, Part 1: “Barks”" 1 February 2018
The password is “mudwomb”. The username is “mudwomb”. The website is “mudwomb”. Where did the rest of the Internet go?
122 "A Story of Love and Horror, Part 2: “Spire”" 15 February 2018
Do you hear that sweet melody? That sweet melody on the breeze? No one else hears that sweet melody, That sweet melody on the breeze.
123 "A Story of Love and Horror, Part 3: “Frances”" 1 March 2018
Who was that whistling, whistling in the dark? Was that you, my love, whistling, whistling in the dark?
124 "A Door Ajar Part 1" 15 March 2018
Anxiety is just your body's way of telling you something really, really terrible is about to happen.
125 "A Door Ajar Part 2" 1 April 2018
When one door closes, another opens. That’s why there are so many raccoons living in your house.
126 "A Door Ajar Part 3" 15 April 2018
Always keep your eyes closed during a storm. Otherwise your soul will get all wet and mildewy.
127 "A Matter of Blood Part 1" 1 May 2018
Sleep like there’s nobody watching.
128 "A Matter of Blood Part 2" 15 May 2018
As a matter of fact, the facts don’t matter.
129 "A Matter of Blood Part 3" 1 June 2018
We make our own luck. Which is to say, things randomly happen and we apply our personal ideas about luck to that randomness.
130 "A Story About Us" 15 June 2018
This is a story about us, said the man on the radio. And we were pleased, because we always wanted to hear about ourselves on the radio.
131 "Brought to You by Kellogg’s" 1 August 2018
Today as all days, as every day of your life, has been brought to you by Kellogg's. Are you worthy?
132 "Bedtime Story" 15 August 2018
This is a bedtime story my mother used to tell me.
133 "Are You Sure?" 1 September 2018
Is this the first time you've heard me say this? Are you sure?
134 "Fall Football Preview" 15 September 2018
There is no I in "team", this has been a partial list of letters not found in the word "team".
135 "The Mudstone Abyss Part 1" 1 October 2018
The phrase beautiful smile is redundant. Welcome to Desert Bluffs.
136 "The Mudstone Abyss Part 2" 15 October 2018
Age is just a number that counts quickly up to an ending point. Welcome to Desert Bluffs.
137 "The Mudstone Abyss Part 3" 1 November 2018
If this had been an actual emergency this signal would have be followed by screaming and chaos. Welcome to Desert Bluffs.
138 "Harvest Time" 15 November 2018
Everything old will be new again, except for when it's so old it disintegrates at your touch and scatters into oblivion.
139 "The Birthday of Lee Marvin" 1 December 2018
To err is human, to forgive is also human, the possibilities of human action are multitude.
140 "A Blood Stone Carol" 15 December 2018
It's winter and the weather is freezing, quite appalling. You stay in, aloof, but foot steps yes that's someone creeping, crying, calling a stranger up upon your roof.
141 "Save Dark Owl Records" 1 February 2019
The prison of your own mind is undergoing budget cuts.
142 "UFO Sighting Reports" 15 February 2019
As above, so below, as for the middle, well... who knows?
143 "Pioneer Days" 1 March 2019
We are thirsty, we cannot see, we don't know what time it is, we are nearly here.
144 "The Dreamer" 15 March 2019
It's turtles all the way down, but man, it's kittens all the way up.
145 "The Veterans" 1 April 2019
Fake it 'til you make it, mic it 'til you like it, book it 'til you look it.
146 "The Birthday of Lee Marvin" 15 April 2019
[Lee Marvin speaking] Every evening’s disappointment is the next morning’s hope. I’m Lee Marvin. Welcome to my birthday.
147 "The Protester" 1 May 2019
Hot singles in your area are staring into the forest and grinning absently.
148 "The Broadcaster" 15 May 2019
[Leonard Burton speaking] The opposite of war is not peace, it is tedium. Greetings from Night Vale.
149 "The General" 1 June 2019
If you can dream it, you can wake up in a cold sweat screaming about it.
150 "The Birthday of Lee Marvin" 15 June 2019
[Alternating Computer, Dana, Deb, and Steve] Heyy everyone! Oh uh, oh man, I’m supposed to prepare some sort of a start for this thing, huh? Dangit, forget every time! Every time! [chuckles] Come on, Steve! You have a responsibility here, Steve! You’re better than this, Steve. Sorry. God, sorry! Oh. Uh, Welcome to Night Vale!
151 "The Waterfall" 1 August 2019
One morning, as Josh Crayton was waking up from anxious dreams, he discovered that in bed he had been changed into a towering, gushing waterfall.
152 "The Great Golden Hand" 15 August 2019
Here it comes! Here is comes! The great golden hand! Hurrah! Rejoice! It nears, it nears!
153 "The Heist, Part 1" 1 September 2019
Constellations are fan art depicting ancient gods.
154 "The Heist, Part 2" 15 September 2019
You have orbited the sun. You have been to the Milky Way galaxy. you have seen the moon. You are an astronaut.
155 "The Heist, Part 3" 1 October 2019
Leave no stone unturned. Leave no rock unpivoted. Leave no pebble untwirled.
156 "The Trouble with Time" 15 October 2019
'Tis better to have loved and lost, than to be slowly eaten while still alive. There are, on the whole, many things worse than having loved and lost.
157 "The Promise of Time" 1 November 2019
If it walks like a duck and sings like a duck and excretes slime like duck, then it's a- uh, you know, I don't think that's a duck.
158 "The Battle for Time" 15 November 2019
The future wants you. The future needs you. The future will have you whether you like it or not.
159 "Cat Show" 1 December 2020
Be the annoying goose you want to see in the world.
160 "The Weather" 15 December 2020
No man is an island. Some men are fjords. Most men are oxbows. All men are ravines.
161 "The Space Race" 1 February 2020
Space: The final frontier. The womb: The first frontier. Somewhere between those two: the ocean.
162 "Alpha" 15 February 2020
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, fear makes the heart grow louder, and death makes the heart grow flowers.
163 "Bravo" 1 March 2020
Our moral compass has been demagnetized.
165 "Charlie" 1 April 2020
There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are written about on Wikipedia.
166 "Delta" 15 April 2020
The stars tell us our future. They're rarely correct, but yet there they are blathering on, night after night.
167 "Echo" 1 May 2020
Spring reveals nature's secret that death is reversible.
168 "Secret Blotter" 15 May 2020
Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent false memories of what you think happened to you.
169 "The Whittler" 1 June 2020
Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, and pick up some Del Taco for dinner.
170 "To the Family and Friends" 15 June 2020
Love the winner, hate the win.
171 "Go to the Mirror?" 1 August 2020
What makes you you?
172 "Return of the Obelisk" 15 August 2020
"Nothing lasts forever" is a phrase with two meanings, and they're both true.
173 "The Hundred Year Play" 1 September 2020
Quoth the raven [distant sounds of a raven cawing].
174 "Radio Jupiter" 15 September 2020
This is Radio Jupiter calling out to all who hear. Please respond. Awaiting your reply.
175 "The October Monologues" 1 October 2020
The trees are dying again. You know it. I know it. The trees know it. They have known it for decades, centuries in some cases. The shiver of cyclic, symbolic death. A rattle in the cold night air. A rustle in the footsteps of a hungry deer. It is October and something is different. It is October and the trees draw the crackling red and orange curtain on the year’s final act. It is October. And so, listeners, dear listeners, Night Vale Community Radio is proud to introduce...the October Monologues...
176 "The Autumn Specter" 15 October 2020
Lips are the toes of the face.
177 "Bloody Laws, Bloody Claws: The Murder of Frank Chen" 1 November 2020
One man’s search for justice about one family’s search for justice about one dragon’s search for justice for one man. That’s right. It’s the final episode of Bloody Laws, Bloody Claws. This is the verdict.
178 "Rattlesnake Rest" 15 November 2020
Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to stand by in silent frozen horror that counts.
179 "First Snow" 1 December 2020
Please, stop preventing it from happening. I don’t know how you got this power, but let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
180 "U-View" 15 December 2020
Like sands through the hourglass so are the days of our lives, in that they’re tiny and tumbling out of control.
181 "C****s" 1 February 2021
A horse is a horse of course of course, of course that’s a horse don’t look too closely.
182 "It Sticks With You" 15 February 2021
Today is the third day of the rest of your life.
183 "The Nephilim" 1 March 2021
“It’s very simple,” the doctor said to the man. “You must go see the famous clown Pagliacci.” And the man began to weep and said: “But doctor…you are a clown. An absolute clown. Do you even have a real medical degree, you clown?”
184 "The Fog" 15 March 2021
Congratulations to last night's lottery winners! You will be missed.
185 "Fair" 1 April 2021
Come to the place where the fun never ends. Nonstop fun. Fun all the time. It does not stop. There are no exits. Where are the exits?
186 "The Many Lives of Frank Chen" 15 April 2021
Merriam-Webster defines “love” as “a species of frog found in the Lower Amazon, known for its bright coloration and hideous croak.” Merriam-Webster is not a very good dictionary.
187 "Citizen Spotlight: The Spire" 1 May 2021
This is a no excuses zone. No reasoning is given for anything. Not a single consequence or chronology to be found here.
188 "Listener Questions" 15 May 2021
Uh, hi, it’s me, Joseph Fink, co-writer and creator of this podcast, Welcome to Night Vale.
189 "Megan Wallaby Is Missing" 1 June 2021
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but it brings all the horses to the yard.
190 "Listeners" 15 June 2021
[Intro to Criminal podcast]
191 "The Many, Many Lives of Frank Chen" 1 August 2021
The coldest temperature is absolute zero. The hottest temperature is 103 degrees Fahrenheit. Trust me, I took a hike in that once and it definitely is the hottest it can be.
192 "It Doesn't Hold Up" 15 August 2021
There are no atheists in foxholes. There are lots of agnostics in pantries. There are only a couple of deists in dirt bike racing.
193 "Team Having Fun" 1 September 2021
Live, laugh, love. Or die, cry, despise. Your call.
194 "The Nearly Infinite Lives of Frank Chen" 15 September 2021
Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are, an Aries? A Gemini? I’m kind of getting Gemini vibes.
195 "Silas the Thief, Part 1" 1 October 2021
This is not your home. This is my prison. Wash your hands before you touch me.
196 "Silas the Thief, Part 2" 15 October 2021
He’s not a real doctor. Don’t let him near me. Don’t let him--
197 "The Life of Frank Chen" 1 November 2021
Did you know that over 50% of people who eat legumes end up dying someday? It’s true!
198 "Them Woods Are a Maze" 15 November 2021
Those who live in glass houses should at least hang curtains around their bathroom.
199 "Guidelines for Retrieval" 1 December 2021
It’s that time of year again. The days are getting shorter—minute by minute, hour by hour. Decade by millennia. The darkness grows ever closer. And pumpkin spice lattes are back!
200 "Susan Willman Comes Clean" 15 December 2021
Who is that tap-tapping, tap-tapping in my walls? I hear someone rap-rapping, rap-rapping in my walls.
201 "The Delivery Man" 1 February 2022
It’s today! It’s today! The Delivery Man comes today!
202 "The Day After the Day" 15 February 2022
Let’s have a heart to heart. It’ll be quick. I don’t think I’m supposed to have it outside my body for too long.
203 "The Kareem Nazari Show" 1 March 2022
It’s midnight Saturday in Ann Arbor, Michigan and you’re listening to the Kareem Nazari Show on 1080 KMCG. I’m your host, Kareem Nazari.
204 "Audition" 15 March 2022
Choose the least important day in your life. It will be important enough…. But still, you know, at the bottom of the list.
205 "The Moon Is Gone" 1 April 2022
"One day you will die." Not true! It will likely take several days.
206 "The Great Librarian of the Western Sands" 15 April 2022
Call me Cecil.
207 "LOST: CAT" 1 May 2022
Lost. Cat. (Cat? Probably a cat.) Last seen hovering 4 feet off the ground in the radio station bathroom. Reward if found.
208 "Cecil in The Big City" 15 May 2022
I scream. You scream. We all scream. Then a long moment of dawning horror as our mouths remain open but no sound is left to save us.
209 "The Black Coat" 1 June 2022
What’s the difference between a horse and an attic? What’s the difference between an electric shaver and a driveway? What is the difference between anything and anything? Why won’t anyone answer me?
210 "Ten Years Later" 15 June 2022
Ten years ago we were a friendly desert community, where the sun was hot, the moon was beautiful, and mysterious lights passed overhead while we all pretended to sleep. Now we’re still all of those things but we also have the new Adidas outlet at the mall.

Live Shows
Show No. Title Release Date
1 "Condos" 25 September 2013

At last, we are alone. At last we are, all of us, alone together. At last, every human, alone together, on this earth.

2 "The Debate" 10 October 2013
We found a little piece of heaven here. It is black, smooth, oblong. It hums a soft, but discordant note, and we are afraid to touch it.
3 "Thrilling Adventure Hour & Welcome to Night Vale Crossover" 1 October 2014

Today you will meet a beautiful stranger. Actually, hundreds of beautiful strangers. Everyone is beautiful and you know almost none of them.

4 "The Librarian" 1 March 2015
If wishes were horses, those wishes would all run away, shrieking and bucking, terrified of a great unseen evil.

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