The advertisements on Night Vale Community Radio are very strange, and often have little to do with the business itself.
Cecil takes his journalistic integrity seriously and very rarely interferes with the ad copy he is given to read; he will even make a point of giving the endorsement when he is personally devastated. However, he will sometimes offer his own contributions, after being careful to mark them out as his own: he once offered a personal recommendation in lieu of an ad, once registered his personal objection to the contents of an ad, and once rewrote ad copy on the grounds that the original was too confusing to be useful.
|2||Coca-Cola||an abstract poem describing a walk on the cool sand dunes||N/A|
|3||Big Rico's Pizza||The flavor (and taste) of Big Rico's are scrumptious. The Hooded Figures and the City Council endorse Big Rico's, and all Night Vale citizens are mandated to eat there once a week. It is a misdemeanor not to.||No one does a slice like Big Rico, folks. No one.|
|5||Hole in the Vacant Lot Out Back of the Ralphs||Very little information is conveyed about the hole. A series of questions are posed, and then never answered.||Come to the Hole in the Vacant Lot out back of the Ralphs and huddle with Us. Or else.|
|6||N/A||Cecil simply moans for several seconds.||N/A|
|7||N/A||The word from our sponsor is "carp".|
|8||Subway||Fairly standard endorsement except the vegetables include "french fries and Nutella", Subway locations are accessible through witchcraft and chanting, and if you buy 9 "reverse colonics", you're eligible for a free 40-oz soda or tobacco cookie.||Devour your own empty heart.|
|9||audible.com||Cecil tries to look up audio books related to the Dog Park, but audible simply produces a flashing black and red screen that says "THOUGHTCRIME", plus an adorable animation of two digging workers: "Under Construction". New Audible members can get a free audio book by "smudging their computer monitors with baby's blood" and humming "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" in Spanish.||You can't burn what you can't even touch.|
|10||Tropicana||Second person narrative about coming home, forgetting to turn the lights on, hearing the phone ring, forgetting you own a phone, remembering you own a phone, answering the phone, and hanging up, glad you at least remembered to buy Tropicana.|
|11||none, but Cecil reads a message that sounds like a sponsorship for wheat and wheat by-products|
|12||Direct TV||A warning against wishing for immortality.||Immortality is stupid. Think before you wish.|
|14||the physical act of gulping|
|15||Target||A meditation on the various types of silence in this world.||Shop. at. Target.|
|17||none, but the mention of amazon.com||The only website now. Where did the rest of them go? Do not ask. Do not ask.|
|18||yelp.com||a "paid editorial" consisting of humming and whistling||N/A|
|19A||The Home Depot||A series of questions that start off normally enough, focusing on home improvement then devolve into things like "Ever wanted to touch something because you feel things because touch is the only sense you trust?". All punctuated by the repeated question: "Incomplete?"||You can do it. We can help.|
|19B||StrexCorp Synernists Incorporated||Very similar format to 19A's, except the question, repeated over and over again is "Unfulfilled?"||We are you.|
|20||Greater Night Vale Realty Association||an encouragement to buy a home, some reasons it's a good idea, and where to find a realtor (inside a deer)||Streets swallow their own tails and choke.|
|21||Taco Bell||A poem in which every three phrases is a number counting down from 7 to 1.||Live más.|
|22||Red Lobster||Nightmarish second-person narration of being trapped in a room where the walls move while something grabs your leg.||Come see what's fresh today.|
|23||Six Flags Desert Springs||Series of questions about whether you are lost and trapped in a featureless spiral cavern.|
|24||Wendy's/The Brown Stone Spire||Discussion of how much trouble you should be in before you seek its help.||While The Brown Stone Spire does have a slogan, it cannot be pronounced.|
|27||Denny's Restaurants||Short statement about the illusion of safety.||Why not?|
|28||unknown||ad for a "free 30 day trial" including free arrest, charges, arraignment, and conviction, guaranteed.|
|29||none, but Cecil endorses a service that delivers feelings, whether you want them or not||(Cecil specifies that this is his personal endorsement, not a paid ad--the only time that he has done this.)|
|30||McDonald's||Description of your morning ritual of staring into the mirror until you dissociate.||I'm lovin'!|
|33||unknown, but the best choice in whatever industry they are in||discussion of how your death will not change anything about the moon|
|34||Samsonite||Discussion of fire and smoke.||Travel safe.|
|35 (1)||Costco||How much could a body even weight?|
|35 (2)||StrexCorp Synernists Incorporated||Distrust all that you previously trusted.|
|36||StrexCorp Synernists Incorporated||Brief rhyme about grass, followed by "Strex" pronounced with increasingly rolled Rs.||Working hard so you can work harder.|
|38||stamps.com||You live in a dying world. We love you.|
|39||Starbucks||Reminder to the ad-writer to write the ad copy. (Cecil reads this out verbatim.)||none|
|41||Mountain Dew||Description of a monk slowly making his way across a meadow, ringing a bell.||Do the Dew.|
|42||hulu.com||Increasingly abstract discussion of abstractions.|
|43||StrexCorp Synernists Incorporated||Believe in a smiling God. Believe in your perfect self. Strex. Strex.|
|Live show||N/A||Offers help with web design but retracts the offer as the listener had a much better website. Sponsor didn't bother offering its name.|
|46||Irish Spring||Second-person discussion of how unfamiliar you are with the mundane aspects of your life.||Whose hands are these?|
|47||StrexCorp Synernists Incorporated|
|48||Best Buy||Discussion of how cold you're getting.||Conserve your oxygen!|
|49A||Whole Foods||(Deb reads this ad, interspersed with encouragement from Cecil.)||Why in the world would we poison our frozen dinners? We definitely do not do that!|
|52||the concept of itching|
|55||Outback Steakhouse||Statement of how much the sponsor despises rules.||"Do what thou wilt" shall be the whole of the law.|
|56||Staples||Worship Old Gods|
|57||PetCo||Where did the pets go?|
|60||Chevrolet||Advertisment for Chevorlet’s new line of all-electric cars, made entirely of electricity, one of which is currently in the listener’s home, despite not having paid for it.||We're trying to be reasonable here!|
|61||Kobe beef||N/A||The beef that makes you fresh!|
|62||We cannot tell you.|
|63||Unknown; the name of the product was presumably introduced in part 1|
|66||Craigslist||We sold your stuff while you were gone.|
|71||Venom Box||A monthly subscription service that sends you a box of venomous creatures every month. This month's theme is: "Fanged and Impossibly Quick"|
|72||Jo-Ann Fabrics||Because it is Back-to-school season, Jo-Ann's Fabrics is a great choice for one-stop shopping. (Deb presents this ad)|
|74||Knife||Describes all the great uses of Knife, cutting things, poking a hole in things, making one thing become two smaller things, etc.|
|75||that gut feeling that you did something wrong but you can't think of what it could be|
|76||Harper Perennial||(This is the only time thus far that Cecil has voiced a personal objection to the content of an ad.)||No one has to know you are a book reading freak.|
|79||Richter's Eye Glass Hut|
|81||Lists of strange images you can search for.||Search for super-weird stuff. You’ll probably find something at least kind of similar.|
|82||Pfizer||We can’t even with this right now.|
|83||a happy-looking dog that’s woofing and wagging his tail||What a convenient system. What a good boy!
What a good boy.
|84||Dove Campaign for Real Beauty||Lungs on a white table.|
|86||Papa Johns||It'll be fine.|
|87||Kleenex Brand Tissues||The advert describes the different types of noses one might have, and calls attention to your nose which you normally don't notice in your vision.||You have a lot of choices in life. We’re glad you – for some reason – chose the faulty body you have.|
|89||Clorox Bleach||It is possible the world is ending. If you cannot hide, then you must run. If you cannot run, then you must die.|
|92||Delta Airlines||It’s not like you’re safe anywhere else.|
|93||Samsung||Listener is prompted to draw an episode of Castle frame-by-frame. Samsung TVs provide the same result, but faster and higher quality.||Stop drawing on your wall!|
|94||Kleenex||The sponsor makes more than you expect. The listener is prompted to look around and pick up an object that stands out to them. The object is picked up and explored, but turns out to be a wasp nest instead.||Kleenex. We make more things than you think. But not wasp nests.|
|95||Starbucks||A reminder (read: threat) not to enter a Starbucks without feeling happy. Starbucks employees might take it personally. They don't need that. Negativity is infectious.||Cool your hot mess before you show your face around here.|
|97||Walmart||Walmart sells everything. Products you can think of and products you can't think of.
Disclaimer: Apocalypse avoidance not guaranteed. Lack of climate change does not preclude nuclear winter, asteroid impact, or solar flares. Please consult the oracle before making any purchases off Walmart. Low price guarantee not available in Michigan.
|Save money, live in an alternate timeline.|
|102||Sears||The advertisement sent in was a video, which Cecil described to the listeners. The ad centers around a woman who purchases something online instead of going outside in bad weather. The delivery driver gets injured and both he and the woman end up in court, both devastated by the tragic turn of events.||Next time, get in your car and go to Sears.|
|106||A grey pigeon named Alfonso|
|107||Ace Hardware||The store is described as a real store, alternating with dismissive comments about it not being a camouflaged snake pit.|
|113||Equinox Gym||The gym has dieticians, cleanses, calorie burners, and a Judgment Spa.|
|114||The new green market co-op||You're not safe anywhere but here.|
|121||Ford||In a monster-truck advert tone, Cecil described Transformers.||Drive weird bones.|
|127||N/A||Cecil describes a vase in an outdoor scene. The message alternates between calling attention to the vase and dismissing its importance.|
|131||Kellogg's||The entire episode is sponsored by and about Kellog's.|
|133||N/A||The sponsor sent in a 3 hour long video about a man continuously restarting his day, becoming more frightened and getting gravely injured before each restart.|
|134||Diet Pepsi||Humans are a knock-knock joke of the gods.|
|136||Bed, Bath and Beyond||You’re going to need some new sheets.|
|141||Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express|
|154||Budweiser||Be glad today is not the day.|
|156||Lotion||The advertisement describes the horrors and fears of ageing.||You can’t stop ageing, so settle on mitigating the surface appearance of ageing.|
|161||Borders Books and Music||What you are now, we used to be. What we are now, you will be.|
|Live show||Folgers brand coffee|
|168 (1)||TickTock||TickTock tells you how long you have to live, and with paid upgrades you can learn more details about your death.|
|168 (2)||Royal Crown Cola||RC Cola – the drink of ruthless monarchs.|
|170||White Claw’s new line of non-alcoholic alcoholic Seltzer beverages.||Everyone likes seltzer beverages but not everyone drinks alcohol. White Claw's new line of non-alcoholic alcoholic Seltzer beverages have all of the appeal of alcoholic seltzer beverages but without the alcohol. "It’s water and it’ll make you burp without making you drunk."|
|172||Tide pods||Cecil angrily describes the frustration of having staticy, wrinkled shirts that do not smell of seafoam mist. You can't get a promotion at work wearing clothes like that, but Tide Pods will make you look like you deserve a promotion, even if you don't get it.||Remember when we seemed like a big problem?|
|173||The Night Vale Medical Board||Drink more water. Drink until you burst. Drink lakes, oceans, the universe.|
|174||Nature’s Caress Fountain of Youth Gentle Flushable Wipes||The most eco-friendly method of cleaning your hands after using the toilet is washing your hands. Soap and water does not generate waste, unlike "flushable" wipes.||Clog the world with your debris.|
|177 (1)||FruitBox||What’s in the box? What’s in the box?!? Relax buddy, it’s just fruit.|
|177 (2)||MeUndies||MeUndies: It’s underwear, you know?|
|179||Sharpies brand Indelible Marker Pens||Nothing is forever.||Sharpies Brand Indelible Marker Pens. Always and Ever After.|
|180||Coke Zero Cherry Vanilla||Abandon old gods.|
|181||Clorox||Clorox: You will be born anew. You will be clean.|
|183||Kirkland Signature Whiskey Type Beverage||There is a hole in the sky.|
|184 (1)||Capital One Financial||Capital One Financial sees you. They hear you. They feel you.
Capital One Financial declares its love of the listeners, despite having only just met.
|184 (2)||Capital One Financial||Capital One Financial sees you. They hear you. They feel you.
Capital One Financial tries to make up with the listeners, offering themselves to talk after an argument.
|184 (3)||Capital One Financial||Capital One Financial sees you. They hear you. They feel you.
Capital One Financial re-declares its love of the listeners.
|Capital One Financial: Don’t be mad, but we got a dog.|
|191||The Summer Sales Event in the Woods.||Everything must go, and it will, sooner than we think.|
|194||Last Bank of Night Vale||We were here for the beginning, we shall be here for the end.|
|197||Disney Brand Synergistic Family Entertainment|
|200||DuoLingo||Sure, you could learn a language by taking classes at a community college. Or by walking out of your house, getting on a bus, riding, forehead pressed against the cold glass, until you cross a border, and then another border, and maybe a third.|
- Episode 67 "Best Of?"
- Episode 29 "Subway"
- Episode 76 "An Epilogue"
- "Thrilling Adventure Hour & Welcome to Night Vale Crossover"